Sunday again...

Looking for a reason So not only is it Sunday Sophee girl but tomorrow will have been 6 months!  Six months of agony, of heartache and pain. Trying to find my place in this world.  Trying to find peace and joy for the boys.  I can not believe that Christmas is only 2 weeks away.  I went ahead and told Santa to bring you a little something that boys can tinker with when they are missing you! On top of all of this it was a long weekend...it was Riley and Jackson's birthday...so a party Friday night and then another on Saturday and the Riley had dance competition today(which lasted something like 6 hours!) She rocked, she really did and she has a passion for it...but the place I found myself in of that wishing I could one day put the glitter and hairspray and make cute little dance outfits and headbands was almost unbearable.  I would love to put you in dance and watch you shine...it is sweet watching Riley light up.  She loves dancing and has a passion for it.  I love the bond that sisters share.  It is so sweet to have a little brother and sister and only wish there was more time I could spend with them...but I have the boys and they have their own activities.  I so desperately want to be a mom to a girl...I know one day when the boys grow up I will have 3 daughter in laws (and can only hope they will love me) But I want you.  Which is not an option so another baby is all I can hope for and I just have to pray that the Lord wants for me what I want...sometimes He says no and that is a very scary thing for me....We went to church last night and we listened to the Pastor share about how facebook is taking time away from our special people...those closest to us.  Our husbands, wives and children becasue we are too busy on phones or computers...I don't want to be that mom...Anthony will be out of the house if I am lucky in no less then 9 years!  Time flies...I want to invest in those around me.  I want daddy to know he is loved and supported and the boys to know they are more important then a "hold on", while I finish checking someone else's page...He also spoke of feeling important because we have the info first and how a family had had a family member pass at 3:00 am and that the family woke the next day to read this member had passed becasue it was all over facebook and was immediately thrown back to the day you died and how boundaries were lost that day...that we were trying to make your last hours, minutes here with us as quite and peaceful and memorable as possible and the phones wouldn't stop, and how I have lost friends becasue I didn't call them first after she passed or haven't healed fast enough...I don't need space, or tough love just simple unconditional love becasue I am going through the valley of the shadow of death...the Lord promises us deliverance but not in a certain amount of time...Jesus when Lazarus died could have gone to those who were grieving him and said to them "Hey you dummies, quit crying he is going to be raised from the dead" but he didn't he went and he grieved with them.  Life looks a lot different, my tolerance is much lower and sometimes have lost my filter but fake is something that bugs me...genuine politeness is one thing but to walk around smiling and shining when I feel a shadow cast upon me isn't all that real...wouldn't you wonder if mommy actually loved you if I carried on with my life as I did before I ever even knew you existed?  I am not that woman anymore, God didn't bring me through this to be the same woman but to grow me, to mold me, to shape me! Someone once said to me they loved me and were just waiting for things to get better in my life before they had anything to do with me...so how is someone who isn't talking to me, calling, writing, coming by going to know when "things get better?"  No! No one has the right words to say, no prophetic words that will heal me or take away my pain but the simple knowing that you are there and you are thinking and praying for me is all that matters...  People need to realize I expect your life to go on as is was before, but you can't expect mine to carry on as it was.  I have forever been changed, Sophee you grew me in a whole new way, you made me aware of so many things I had never been before.  You were an angel sent to help grow me spiritually!  You gave me life lessons most will never have which makes me a more compassionate, sympathetic, empathetic understanding person.  I will never regret that!  I will never regret my greiving you, you were a part of me...not just that place you hold in my heart but you grew in my womb....I carried you as the Lord breathed the very breath of life into you...why would I not want to grieve such a special person...you were a miracle.  I had another angel momma say to me recently that when people say to her that "her child is in a better place" she wants to just say to them, well then let us send your child there and see how you feel...see if you feel they are in a better place.... Of course believing in Jesus I know you are with Jesus walking and dancing on streets of gold! and would never desire to return here but it doesn't fill my empty arms or heart...they are still missing you!  Oh Sophee I love you and you have just helped me realize what is important and what is not...pretending that any amount of clothes or money would fix my heart...pretending life is great, smiling when I feel  like shedding tears and hiding from the world becasue my grief is unacceptable...it is not worth it!  Nor is the silly feuding that has carried on for years...if you want to continue to hate me, fine so be it but understand that you have no place in our live and don't be angry about it.  If you yell and scream and cuss every time we see you, then we don't want to see you.  Your daddy, your brothers and I have an appreciation for things some don't and never will...not saying that makes them less of people but it does allow us to help others, draw boundaries (that many will judge) and I have always been careful about what I blog about knowing that family and friends read it and don't ever want to harm anyone but there comes a point when serving the Lord and protecting our hearts is the most important even if that means you can't be apart of our lives...it doesn't mean you aren't loved, love doesn't mean letting someone walk all over you...For crying out loud even the Lord allows consequences for our actions to happen...so why as people can we not draw boundaries and say "No more"  This blog has been all over the place and it is becasue I haven't been blogging enough!  This is the only way I can talk to you, forever! and I deserve to say whatever I want...if I have to seek the Lord's forgiveness after writing something then that is between me and the Lord!  Shut your eyes and close your browser!  Sophee I love you dearly, you are our girl, our angel...not many ever get to live a completely clean (never sinned or harmful) life but you did and there was something to take from you...lots of somethings!  You had the strength to live 201 days the doctors aid would be cruel and inhuman!  But you lived it loved and loving!  I have to say until you are the parent or family who wakes up to the Lord saying I am taking my child home and begging Him not to, but knowing you have to hand your child back over to Him...then you just don't even get to wonder about me or my family!  We have done everything we ever have including fundraising for other families...out of love for our God and our daughter! Sophee I love you...Blessings my sweet child...blessings sweet Jesus~ I love you!

I just looking, trying to find my place in this world again...
what is my ministry
why did the Lord bring me through the heartache and pain
can you hear me asking you to place me where I belong
I want to bring you glory
that I know you can bring us to defeat a 50 foot tall and 50 foot wide wall
but where can you use me
you wouldnt have brough tme thruogh all of what I have been through breathing if it wasn't to glorify your kingdom
now help me Lord find my place again
help me know where to go and what to do
who to help
and how to help them
Lord you are our Lord...if you are for us who can stand against us?
Now take me as I am broken and in pieces...wishing for my heart to be put back together
and mend me and shape me as you see fit for your kingdom and your glory

a quick post...

I wanted to post something real quick for those who had left ugly messages my last blog...I  hope that you who said you weren't reading any more actually are...here is something another mom who lost her daughter posted today...You don’t know how I feel; please don’t tell me that you do.
There’s just one way to know–have you lost a child too?
“You’ll have another child” – must I hear this every day?
Can I get another mother, too, if mine should pass away?
Don’t say it was “God’s will” – that’s not the God I know.
Would God, on purpose, break my heart,
then watch as my tears flow?
You have an angel in heaven – a precious child above.
But tell me, to whom here on earth shall I give this love?
“Aren’t you better yet?” Is that what I heard you say?
No! A part of my heart aches and I’ll always feel some pain.
You think that silence is kind, but it hurts me even more.
I want to talk about my child who has gone through death’s door.
Don’t say these things to me, although you do mean well.
They do not take my pain away; I must go through this hell.
I will get better, slow but sure – and it helps to have you near.
But a simple “I’m sorry you lost your child” is all I need to hear.

I have more to post later...including some sites of what not to say to greiving parents, the fact that my feelings are my feelings and for those who constantly walk around offending me with their words I usually keep my mouth shut but sometimes I just can't...I could have responded to my ugly messager last week who has a toddler...well lets send your daughter to heaven and tell you you you need to heal at "god speed"! I also want to share a devotion that was sent to me becasue this person had commented on how I had said about wanting for people to gift in Sophee's name, or start a tradition in her honor...a godly woman has asked the same 13 years ago!  I am not crazy...and I guess that is why I am typing this becasue I had taken the last couple of weeks off from facebook and my blog, questioning myself over and over had the things I had said been offensive and hurtful and should I apologize....I am not crazy or have I done anything wrong for missing my Sophee and wanting and wishing and praying! That these two people in particular were offering me tough love...I don't need tough love right now, I need real friends who offer unconditional love! But one of these girls I actually thought was a wonderful friend so I pondered and prayed about her words...but the Lord did not impress any of what she said on my heart as truth...so with that said I also have a place in my heart for grace and giving forgiveness.... My little brother and sister turn 7 today and I have to shower for their birthday party later...so until I return later...have a blessed day ...Sophee I love you, Jesus I praise you! Blessings~

an ugly message

I received an ugly comment on my blog tonight and they informed me of how they no longer would read it which was interesting becasue it was someone whom I already blocked from facebook and have no other relationship with! I am hurting..its my first all coming at once without Sophee and so maybe my feelings are not graceful but they are mine and all of it is a part of the greif to get to a place where the pain is bearable...this person has said several times that she hope I heal soon from Sophee's death...hey p.s. I will always have a scar! And birthdays, holidays may aggrevate the wound.  I am so sorry to the Lord only for not always being graceful...but He loves me and He forgives me.  I was thrown off by the fact that Sophee's first birthday had no baby in a high chair, no gifts on the table and no candles on a cake.  I am very grateful for though those who prayed for us thru the week...it got us thru it ALIVE!  and our hearts are pieced a chip back (with glue and all around the edges) knowing that we are going to get through all of these tough times!  I am always thrown off when someone says to me I should be healed or Sophee is in a better place...I believe in Jesus Christ!  Of course Heaven is a better place and I am sure she doesn't want to be back on this Earth but for a grieving momma...simple statements that say I am thinking of you or praying for you are all that is needed sometimes!  My feelings are raw and certain things do bother me...such as a comment someone had left about how sick Sophee looked (this was even after she was home from the hospital from her heart surgery) and that they were glad she was no longer here...I know they didn't mean harm by it...but I commented to what the person said about at least she wasn't suffering anymore...how many of you Trisomy mommies would have thought your child was better off becasue they look sick to someone else...To us she looked perfect and good and they hadn't even ever seen the bad...and the friend who was actually a real friend just took Sophee's picture down and got angry at me! Until you have lost a child judgment should be far from you!  Even then everyone grieves differently! The only hope we have is to keep our angel's memory alive in the hearts of those who loved them and that one day we will be reunited with them.  I got a thoughtful card, several beautiful messages on facebook from lots of people for warm wishes for Sophee and how much she meant to them, even got a few gorgeous gifts and Sophee got balloons galore and flowers at her grave! I don't care if I ever receive gifts on her special days but it is a gut wrenching pain knowing that she doesn't get them...one of the people who I am referring to would have been at her first birthday with a card I am sure but she didn't even say happy birthday on my or Sophee's wall...My mom wouldn't have been out of town, she would have been here to celebrate a miraculous first birthday! And I have the right to grieve all of that! And grieving all of that is part of my healing...and I no matter how long will always miss the baby I held and cuddled and nursed! So for those of you who don't like my blog please do not read it...I don't want to hurt you and my blogs up until this one have not been directed to anyone...just my plain and ugly emotions!  People can handle the happy feely stuff but the ugly parts about life, such as choosing em-bombing fluid for your child or not...or how to pick the perfect bow to go on her in her casket...hush Summer hush!  They actually have written books about what not to say to a grieving parent!  Published books!  So why is it that I am targeted for saying that something bugs me? It's my life, I try to tread lightly and again I am not always graceful!  But to want to start a war on a blog of a dead child is insanity! Quite reading!  Thank you to all of you who just love me  no matter how ugly things seem!  I love you Sophee~Blessings to you and Jesus

It was a tough week!

So all the anxiety leading up to your birthday, I believe lead me to be ill.  The amount of stres my body has been under has taken a physical toll on my body and had one infection after another that I have had a difficult time fighting off! So becasue I was sick I didn't get your ballooons a head of time, I didn't do any of the things I wanted to...so what we did do...we went and took your brothers to eat dinner and the stopped at party city spent $50 on 4 balloons and glow sticks becasue by the time we released them it was 9:00 p.m.! We had the cutest abbcadabby cake pops and ice cream...I yelled at the boys and Jimmy, the boys fought, Jimmy aggravated and after it all was over and my head hit the pilllow I was grateful it was over! Since your birthday fell the day before thanksgiving I didn't get to have the actual birthday party I had hoped to have with family and friends! I was angry that there were no gifts for you!  And that angers me for Christmas too!  I buy things in memory of you for your special days...why can't others...I do have to say that Aunt Jane and family brought us necklaces with your picture on them, I got a few gifts in the mail from wonderful, perfect strangers that I call friends that I met on facebook!  But if you had been here in a high chair their would have been toys galore in front of you or cards with money...well why not still give those gifts?  Why not give the money in the card for us to donate in your name, or make shadow boxes for the walls with your things hanging in them...Things that will keep you alive in our home and bring our family comfort?  The boys love your stuff!  It is so special, it is almost like your things to them are belongings of a princess and are treated with such care!  Or why not let us donate to other organizations in your name?  I don't even want to be a part of Christmas with anyone if it is the same as your birthday was!  You still deserve the best!  We can't buy you clothes and bows and tutus but we can do things that will bring everyone comfort and peace and joy!  When we look around our house we see you every where and it feels good!  The boys love making you memory boxes and putting special things in them.  I love beautiful picture frames, I love unique things that say your name!  Those are the types of things we can buy for you now and that is it!...so why not!  Thanksgiving was not what I expected either...it wasn't bad but there was an emptiness and it sure didn't feel like Daddy's birthday which is so unfair!  I dread this for year after year now...all of it will always fall as it did this year just give or take a few days! Sophee I am praying for our Christmas present we get to have another baby! I know I may have to wait longer but I am praying...doesn't hurt right.  I know that I am still grieving your spirit but I think it is time for mommy to have a new one!  I want to claim healing in my heart and health in my body!  You Sophee are an inspiration...Tadum always calls you "my tiny baby sister"  They love love love you! and I think they too need a renewing of spirit.  The Lord speaks to a downcast soul and that is what I have had!  I was so grateful when you were here, so grateful...so proud, I wanted to share you with the world! And I am trying to rekindle that gratitude...the gratitude that has made me the woman I am right now!  I know the Lord is not done with me...I have been praying for a ministry of my own and that the Lord make it clear where He wants me...now its time to remove myself and let Him in!  God you are good and your mercies endure forever!  I really want to do Christmas different this year but I am not sure if I can handle so many changes at once or is it a good time to change things up a bit and let our family take flight!  To be able to love on the hurting, pray for those in need and show Christ's love!  I want to speak life, not death!  I want to be a servant, not served!  I want God to have the glory forever and ever! I am so very glad the God I serve can handle me breaking down on my knees, shaking my fists at Him and let Him know how very angry I am at Him, then come to my feet and raise my hands to praise Him!  I worship you even in the darkest of dark! Sophee I love you and many blessings~ Jesus I LOVE you and blessings, blessings~we praised you from the beginning of her life, to the end of her life and we still give you praise!

we worship you

Today was your birthday

Well sweet girl, you are officially a 1 year old princess! The day is over and momma is relieved.  I had an awful start to the week.  First the negative pregnancy test, then the infection in my mouth, the cost of the surgery to fix the infection, the financial burden the surgery is causing during the holidays, the fact the infection is getting worse rather then better.  I woke this morning to a call and a trip to the oral surgeon to see why all the sudden my face was swelling. I received an email from a dear woman who has a little boy with Trisomy 18 too...she just wanted to share with me a story of a friend who had lost her daughter in a drowning and that she so desperately wanted another child but it just wasn't happening...well after 2 years she got another daughter and in hind sight she was able to say that the Lord knew she wasn't ready for a new spirit. So the blessing of your birthday today was this email and the realization that I want to be ready for a new spirit so that is what I am going to begin to pray for.  I have been bitter and angry.  And a new spirit does not mean that I will not have bad days and miss you, it does not mean that I won't get mad or miss you but that I can allow a place a in my heart for the Lord to do some healing.  I love you, you will always be mommy's princess!  And I also am not going to put the pressure on myself EVER again to have the perfect party! Your brothers were charged with emotions, as were daddy and I.  All that emotion together made for a miserable experience when all we wanted to do was have fun and enjoy the day together, grateful we are a family including you! So your next birthday I think we will get out picture albums in our jammies and look and talk and eat cake and release our balloons...possibly make a craft for you and just take it easy! I didn't want to make-up today but I made myself thinking it was the right thing to do but now that the day is done...I could have gone without! I am so proud to be your mommy!  We went to diner and the boys all had on their bottle cap necklaces that have your picture on them and Tadum had to tell our waitress that it was our baby in Heaven birthday! and that her name is Sophee!  They are proud of you, proud to talk about you! They think of you all the time! There is no shame in them saying our baby sister is an angel and she made a difference in our life and we still acknowledge her as a part of our family! That Sophee is the beauty of our family! You always will be my daughter, Daddy's princess, and your brothers' pride and joy! I have so much more I want to write but it is really late and tomorrow is Thanksgiivng and Daddy's birthday so I close with a HUGE HAPPY BIRTHDAY and many many blessings~ to you and to Jesus!  P.S. Jesus thank you fro throwing Sophee the most beautiful party ever! I know you are the best Host, the Host of Host!  I love you Lord, I love you Sophee...Dad and Erik I love you too!

Also thank you Lord for the wonderful friends you have placed in my life that took time and used their hard earned money to make sure I had something for Sophee's birthday.  The gifts and the kind words were such a blessing! Thank you for choosing to bless me today with wonderful people and my husband, my kids and my angel who has left an imprint on so many hearts...all for the glory and furthering of your kingdom! Sophee has always been yours, thank you for letting me have her for that amazing 201 days!

you are my sunshine<3

it was a long day...

I sat in church tonight listening to a sermon about coveting/jealousy and I can get with some of that and that sometimes God answers us no becasue of our motives...What was my motive in asking Him to heal Sophee? To prove He could work miracles, what is my motive in wanting another baby? A small piece back of what I lost!  Then the Pastor told us how John and Paul both shared that we could give it all to Him, that we can cast all our anxieties on Him...He can handle that...So I have told God today how much I hate Him, how mad I am and then apologized and started all over again...The good thing is I know He will forgive me, I know I am His but I hurt.  I hurt, I hurt that "friends" get angry at me for standing up for my feelings and that people have moved on with their lives and mine is moving on too and that hurts...That is the part that hurts! That Sophee isn't here with me but her birthday is still going to come, Christmas is still going to help bring in the new year!  It is inevitable! I hurt all together! I have moments of joy, I love my husband and boys but I also love and miss my Sophee...I know that right now I am sitting in the middle of a HUGE unknown but I know my God is the same today as He as yesterday and that I am going to be able to bring more tot he Lord's Kingdom becasue of all I have been through.  Give all your worries and cares to God, for he cares about you. 1 Peter 5:7

this is all I want for next week!

Keeping quite...

I haven't said anything about this to but less then a handful of people becasue I have not wanted to hear the ridiculous comments people have regarding it but I am at a place today where I am so heart broken and desire so much to have another child I am going to share.  I am so angry with God.  Jimmy and I knew before Sophee died that we wanted another baby.  Month after month nothing.  And still month after month nothing...I pray from the puit of my stomach that the Lord bless us with another daughter, one we can watch grow up, one He won't take from us.  I miss Sophee so freaking bad.  I have tried so hard to be joyful in all things including this horrible trial but I am tired of "just keep praying, and have hope and that the Lord knows the desires of your heart" I tell myself this everyday.  There are some affordable medications we stared trying last month and I can use them for a couple more months in hopes that the Lord will work something out but then our next move is back to the REI clinic which is so much money, money we don't have.  And they have these wonderful programs now that you can finance your fertility treatments but you have to have super great perfect credit. And that just isn't something we have.  It was ok until all the bills started piling up with all the circumstances that have occurred in our lives over the past few years.  Some days I wish the Lord would drop a fertility doctor into our lives who had a heart for us and would say "I would love to help you two accomplish your dreams" but that is just wishful thinking.  Then I have heard of people starting a blog about all of this and asking for small donations such as $5 because if everyone of my friends on facebook donated that amount I would so totally have enough money to take to the fertility doctor here and say "Help me heal please!!!" Or something as easy as someone understanding and co-signing but how do you ask for someone for something like that?...you don't!  I cry out to Jesus for these things but it all seems to be bouncing off the ceiling.  I just got done getting dressed so we can head out to church and I had to blog becasue I am not sure I can lift my hands in praise to Him today when all I want to do is drop to my knees.  I want to beg and barter none of which is right. But there is two things right now I want.  One of those things is my Sophee which just plain and simple isn't going to happen or two another baby.  Which seems to be proving pretty hopeless too!  I am just so down right angry...Why can God not hear me....are you there becasue I feel like somewhere shortly before this you quite listening!

this song is called "Father can you Hear me"

a fine line

change my heartI have a draft saved of what I really wanted to write tonight but I feel at a lose for words.  I want to express too many things in one blog and not sure today is the day to say all of.  Sophee I think it is strange the things that upset me lately. So I am actually going to copy and paste the draft from early now...the bible tells us that blood family is not always our family.  That sometimes it is our friends in Him that are our family and I have found that to be true many times.  There is an old saying "blood is thicker then water" but I can not attest to this.  I do not believe this.  I am grateful for the love , the support of so many who are in no way in my family circle.  It is in my mind like this...when I was younger I spent a lot of time with my aunts, uncles and cousins but as the years passed and families were separated and tragedy happened and we began our own families we saw and spoke to each other less and less... now the people who are in my life are people I have met in the past few years and they often no better then my family what is going on in my life.  I have still love and adore my cousins, aunts and uncles and this post is nothing to do with them but rather where do we draw the line when it comes to hurt, abuse and neglect?  The bible also reminds us of how powerful our words are, the power that lies in the tongue.  That we can start a great forest fire with our mouth!  A lot of time things are said that are so hurtful it is hard to ever allow a relationship to be what it was....forgiveness isn't always letting the person come back in and allowing them to treat you however they want but rather setting a boundary and keeping it, then praying blessings over the person who has harmed you.  Sometimes the Lord reconciles those relationships and sometimes He simply heals the brokenness from the hurt.  I can't say I am at a true place of forgiveness...I had a very close family member tell me back in February that Sophee deserved to die, that it was "Karma" and let me tell you Sophee's life had nothing to do with my past mistakes.  She was nothing less then a blessing! I choose to pray blessings over this person every day; and that the Lord would change my heart.  Kind of like a "fake it til you make it" But I am not going to let this person who also is in active addiction walk into my home and abuse me or my family in any way...yet so many are so quick to judge those boundaries.  I am just using all of this as an example to release my frustration with people and their boundaries...how can I go to church make friends but yet if you move churches those people are no longer your friends.  How can people say Sophee changed their life but then in the same breath tell me that I need to heal or that they don't like my hurt.  My hurt is a part of who I am and I know with all my heart that God will work my hurt into something good.  It already has, I can help a momma who lost her baby last week or watching her baby take her last breaths.  I have compassion for and understanding for people I never knew existed.  I have a bond now with my mom that I never had because we are both "mommy to an angel,"  I have so much hurt I want to step outside of myself and help others that are hurting, I appreciate things in life that most people will never even acknowledge as a miracle.  I also write all of this to help let out some of my anger with the people who haven't shown up since Sophee died.  Life went on for them, I am sure they think of her but have you called to tell me you are thinking of her?  it is strange after you loose a child, you need time alone yet you don't want to be alienated and I think so many fall short of showing up at all...I knew that right before and after your funeral I didn't want my house flooded with people because I knew they would all have to return to their lives and I would be left alone.  Well I kind f thought that I would get phone calls every now and then to say how are you, I was thinking of you or something but it rarely happens. But this has also left me a space to reconnect with God.  To begin to pray for a new ministry, where does He want me? I feel like I am all over the place and some of the things I just want to come out and say I shouldn't to avoid creating conflict but then I remembered I created this blog to be real, true to my feelings for you and other things...to be raw and un-cut material!  So I am posting this days after I wrote it and left it saved as a draft on my computer.  Sophee God has brought me through many things addiction, fertility issues, the lose of my father and brother in a tragic accident, horrible abuse, my marriage being nothing close to sacred, your life and your death for a reason...I survived all of this and I can still praise His name! I want to begin working towards a ministry that reaches out to the hurt, the lost, the sick and the broken hearted and let them know that there is hope is the Lord!  I want to serve whole heartedly, I want to further His kingdom.  He is the only one who can work all things together for good...how can good come from loosing my sweet and precious girl?  My heart is on fire for the Lord, to figure out how I can help lost souls meet Jesus and see His face and stand in the light of His glory!  I love you Sophee girl...Blessings~ to you and precious Jesus<3

I haven't ____ in a while...

I haven't been on the blog in a while and I felt like tonight I could clear my mind if I sat here and wrote to you and had the conversation I would have had with you today, of course with no response just those big brown eyes looking up at me intently, watching every move my mouth made.  I muddled through Halloween.  It was fun, it is always exciting to see the boys so excited over small things like tootsie rolls and costumes, it is a blessing!  I enjoy watching the boys get to be kids, to experience life in the moment rather then like I do...always in the past, or panicking about the future.  I lived my life before I knew I was pregnant with you wishing for a girl, for a baby and my every thought was centered on and around this thought..."I WANT A GIRL GOD."  My prayers were for a girl that the boys could learn to be gentle with, to protect, to love and for Daddy to have a princess...that all of them would have a girl to learn compassion, gentleness, tenderness, protection...well let me say that all that praying got me exactly what I asked for.  You were a fragile, little, tiny baby girl that needed to be protected and fought for.  That needed to be treated with the utmost carefulness.  I felt as is God sent me a package that was clearly marked on the outside "CAREFUL CONTENTS ARE FRAGILE!!"  Then I found out I was pregnant with you and I spent the next several months preparing and panicking for what was to come when you were born.  Would you actually have this horrible genetic abnormality, would I love you, would you be healed, would you live????  All these questions lead me to be a wreck, an angry panicked, anxiety ridden mess...Then you came and I have to say I lived a lot of your short life in fear but after you came home from the newborn intensive care unit, I had a hope and a faith that I hadn't had before. A peace that was unexplainable, a trust that everything was going to be ok...Now I lived believing for healing until that Sunday morning when you woke me to inform me that you were heading home.  Now I have spent the past five months almost somewhere between the past and the future....what could have I done differently, did I make the right choices, how much I wish I could turn back time to the polar opposite of wondering will Daddy and I ever have another baby?  Will the Lord bless us with another girl?  Am I broken?  Will having another baby be helpful in the healing or cause more hurt? I stepped out of the bath tub tonight and glanced at a votive that has been sitting on the bath room sink for months now and it reads "Faith makes things possible"...Oh yeah!  How did I forget AGAIN, that God is in control!  He knows the inner most desires of my heart...my God is not a punishing God and how in the world can I pray for all things for others believing in my prayer, that the Lord is hearing us call on Him on these friends behalf but some how doesn't care about me and what I desire.  He provides my every need, He satisfies my soul...when I turn it over and allow Him to be in control and trust that the Lord makes no mistakes and loves His children dearly.   Living in the past and fearing the future has lead me to be bitter and I know what God has to say about bitterness and the warnings He heeds to those with a bitter heart, and here I find myself, not bitter with people, but biter with the cards I have been dealt.  And to stand in a place of surrender and how frightening that is but also the freedom in that!  Knowing that my God is bigger then all of this and He asks me...get that He asks me to share His yolk, that He will carry my burdens and lighten my load.  Now serving a God who is willing to serve is a blessing and I PRAISE HIM FOR THAT!  I think sometimes it is just a small visual reminder that we need.  And tonight all I needed was to remember that God is in control.  I don't have to worry about any of the things from the past, especially when it comes to you becasue I know God lead me in every decision I made for you.  And that I was never really in control in the first place.  He opened doors and hearts when they needed opening...even on Thanksgiving day; 3 days after you were born; when your lungs began to collapse and the doctors told me they wouldn't treat you...and that when they did you probably wouldn't live the intubation process and you did! He lead us to a lovely group of doctors and nurses who were willing to get vulnerable and and let you teach them, He lead us to a heart surgeon who had a special needs child of his own and without hesitation agreed to fix your heart! Sophee God was there, He was present and I let Him be...so why now in a time of despair do I shove and push?  Why not let Him be that same God who comforted and protected us...He hasn't changed, I have, but He hasn't!  

Matthew 6:25-34

New International Version (NIV)

Do Not Worry

    ²⁵ “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? ²⁶ Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? ²⁷ Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life^[a]?

   ²⁸ “And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. ²⁹ Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. ³⁰ If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? ³¹ So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ ³² For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. ³³ But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. ³⁴ Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.



God is in Control 

just blank...

It has been strange the last few days, I have felt blank, empty, not much to feel or think.  I am interrupting my thought for my blog tonight because as I was on here beginning to type when I got a chat message on Facebook from another momma who is holding her daughter fearful that every breath is the last.  I can remember those first few days and weeks, then the hope that came after that that you were just going to be one of the few who lived...what a scary feeling that is and how glad I am I had a certain couple of friends who never told me to live like Sophee was dying but to live as if she was going to live!  They encouraged me Sophee girl...they told me to have hope, to run the race with endurance and I can say I did.  You have always been worth every fight, every heart ache, every moment of joy and peace and every blessing~ Every blessing that is good and perfect comes from above...that is you!  I have had a few days where I wasn't tearing my hair out, and able to control my emotions for the most part and it has been strange.   i should just count it a blessing and tell the Lord Thank you but I am scared something is wrong with me.  I know that I am having some other physical  issues that are making things different and I really want to quit labeling everything good or bad and just call it for what it was.  I wanted to blog about my week but after receiving that message from that mommy everything seems so frivolous..when an innocent life is between this world and the Lord's presence everything is intensified.  You know you need to create a lifetime of memories in anything but a lifetime!  I remember when you were first born I prayed that the Lord would bless me with enough time for you to wear all your preemie outfits!  He answered that pray plus a smidge more time! You got to wear all the extra outfits you were bought...but only in the preemie size!  And since you were irresistible you got I think every outfit the sold in Albuquerque in preemie size!  We even had people give us their coming home outfits for you to wear, that is how special you were! I still just adore the thought o your sweet face.  I don't want to be numb but also know that I am committed to this ride no matter where it takes me!  That grief does not discriminate and my Lord is the same today as He was yesterday! and Forever!  I am glad that the morning you woke me to tell me you where heading home was as clear cut as it was.  That I didn't have to watch you in horror becasue you were struggling that you were ready and made that clear.  That I was able to make the day what I thought we needed...what was best for Daddy, Mommy, your brothers, Tata, Francy...that I knew beyond a shadow of the doubt you and the Lord had spoken clearly to my heart. I am so grateful I got from December to May just enjoying the days with you...I got to bring you home without the fear of you not being "here" in the morning when I woke!  The Lord blessed me in many many ways....and all I can think about tonight is the beauty you radiated...I love you.  Blessings to you and Jesus!  The picture I picked tonight becasue this night was a night I had no fear! it was the month you turned 3 months old and we celebrated your life!  We had candles and cupcakes and it was good....You are good...

I couldn't wait any longer...

I have been going crazy to write to you, Sophee.  It has been a super busy week; and the week to come is just as busy.  It seem that every year it is the same thing but especially noticing it this year!  Usually the end of the summer begins to drag, then school starts and days get so long!  Then all the sudden we approach October and time just begins to fly.  I am sure t has something to do with the days getting shorter in the fall but man I sometimes think to myself "where did the week go"  This week being sick plus the end of Tady and Ant's baseball season has made it especially hectic.  Plus trying to get things done for the Fall parties, the homeroom mom stuff, PTA, 2 field trips in less then 10 days, 2 end of season baseball parties...then net week snack days, super star week, fall parties, Halloween parties and the Halloween Day/Night!  All of this occurring while I have not been 100% for 3 weeks now.  I really do feel slightly better this week but then my emotional status seems to hang in one side of the balance beam or another...never any middle ground!  Tomorrow is your 11 month birthday and 18 weeks since you left my arms.  It is almost as if some days I know I am going to make it through the day and there is joy and hope in knowing that the day will end and the sun will rise, but then some days that is just as much dreaded as it is hope.  Tomorrow hasn't come yet so the Lord only knows how much I need Him to offer me mercy, peace and grace! But today for some reason was an especially difficult day.  I woke in a frantic mood, loosing my temper and letting every one of your boys have it!  Which only ever adds to the stress of any day...(mental note to self!) I am not sure that anyone can understand this but I am sure that those who have suffered traumatic loss can...my body has this new instinct that the 12th, 23rd or Sunday is approaching.  Since I stay at home, I usually just know the date by the day of the week...I only ever know its Monday, Tuesday or Wednesday...rarely that it is Saturday October 22, 2011...but since you died I instinctively know that one of these dates is approaching.  And it was almost as if my heart knew that 2 significant dates were in store for me this weekend! I really don't want my Sunday's (actually it is my entire weekend) to feel cursed or downcast!  I want to rejoice and enjoy the days off with the boys snuggled into a movie or cartoons or a board game.  I have committed to staying off my phone and facebook as much.  I really have not been on at all except 5 minutes in the waiting room or a few minutes after the boys are put to bed, but it seems that the computer and facebook begin to take all my time and daddy's...then pretty soon I start feeling the boys are missing out on attention they so totally deserve.  I can't stay healthy putting them to bed then staying up on facebook all night and I surely can not accomplish what the Lord has set forth for me for that day being on facebook for HOURS, and I mean HOURS! a day!!!  I know that the Lord has used facebook for me to minister for Him but I also have a family and responsibilities that I have to care for! and accomplish...it was easy to be on facebook while I sat and rocked you but I found myself sitting at Train's baseball game on my phone, on facebook!  Ummm...Hello...Earth to Mom you will never get back this fall season of baseball of your 9 year old son...it was as if the Lord smacked me upside the head to tell me that!  or how about "Tadum's last year of tee ball will most likely be this season and you care more about an image someone has downloaded off some website then you do about watching him transform into a boy rather than a baby??? "  Those kind of convictions are not easy nor are they ones I wish to tread lightly!  I have spent a good amount of time grieving all the things I will never get to do with you, all the while I am getting to do them with the boys and being totally ungrateful for it!  I also love daddy very much and loosing you has not been easy on us at all and some TLC is so needed for our marriage, for us period!  We disconnected from each other and every one else as a coping mechanism  and if you are not careful, it can get ugly right quick.  I love my boys, I love you!  I was looking at the computer tonight as the screen saver mode played through all the pictures downloaded on to the computer and I watched quietly your pictures play through and I thought to myself...maybe I only saw what I wanted to see...and that for the first time I was able to Thank God for making you whole even though I miss you more then my words could ever express.... I walk into the house after a long day, go to the bedroom to put up my heels from the day and put my night gown on and turn to my dresser and your pictures stare at me.  Your eyes meet mine and all I can do is cry!  You had a sparkle in your eyes like they used to describe Ole Saint Nick in story books at Christmas, something like I had never seen before.  You brought new and different meaning to my life.  All my kids are special, and unique but there is something different about you, your entire being, the experiences we had with you including that of truly feeling we held an angel.. That the Lord specifically choose one special and sick little girl to change the lives of many.  I can't help but think to myself when I think about this "Lord how and why", but not in a bad way...in a way that really makes my heart think.  How does such a mighty God who can work thru bushes burning choose my daughter with a diagnosis considered fatal, that the doctors insisted your life wasn't of value and then you change more hearts then a man who lived 85plus years ever did? When I looked at you when I held you I knew the Lord had shown particular favor on you but it hasn't been until recently I really realize how "on loan: you were and almost as if I should have known...that I should have known you were going to accomplish your lifetime's work in months.  You were blessed, you were hand picked by God, Jesus Messiah, Emmanuel...you were FAVORED!  I love you so much...your beauty astounding and missed so very much...Love mommy~ Blessings

my playlist for the night

I wanted to add a little extra song tonight...  please Lord..

Be still...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FKWGSzxtcZASo I had began pushing myself a few weeks ago (actually shortly before your auction) to get up and go...thinking that somehow this was the cure for the depression that others, who aren't in my life daily or even regularly, had implied I had.  I like to think that I have a heart that cares about how I treat others, so I began pushing...get up Summer and go, go, go!  Well let's just say that that has lead me into a downward spiral of health issues.  I have been feeling under the weather but feel like if I am not productive then I am "depressed"  To be honest Sophee I am so tired.  I have been for over a year now.  I didn't sleep at night before I had you.  I sat up late nights on the phone or computer gathering information on Trisomy and what the doctors would say and what we wanted!  I prayed and cried out to the Lord until the sun rose "please Lord, please Lord don't let this be true...heal her body, make her whole, let everyone who hears her name find her favor."  Then you came and that was another long run of sleepless nights either running back and forth from the ICU's or staying up all night caring for you becasue you had ICUitous...this is something all medical professionals will tell you is a real thing.  Children who spend long amounts of time in an ICU get their days and nights mixed up and don't sleep well and usually takes many months or even up to a year to recover and get on track. Then came the part I dread...trying to close my eyes and sleep without you here!  Oh Sophee, I never complained about the long sleepless nights because I knew that at some point I would get to sleep and that sleepless nights meant that you were here to hold and love on.  I never complained about the long stays in the ICU, knew they were par for the course but always knew that I would take you being in the hospital any day over the alternative!  Having your warm body was all that mattered....and now that we are almost a year to your birth, way past a year of prenatal diagnosis I am TIRED!  I know I am tired, I know I need some TLC but also know if I sleep all day every day then nothing gets done!  Having to run your brothers to and fro between baseball, school, PTA, field trips, holidays, friends and family there isn't much time for me.  And I am kind of feeling the after math of all the going!  These are the days I so desperately wish you were here...that way I could sit and rock you in the rocking chair all day doing nothing but holding you and of course your cares!  I would have lived a lifetime in that rocking chair with you...and I know you wanted to be in the rocking chair for a lifetime.  When I tried to sneak you down into the bassinet to catch a break, you always peeked out of one eye, then came the scream!  "Mom are you serious, I am in charge here, this is not where I want to be, I am the Princess so get back over here and rock me"  It was as if your cry translated perfectly into words! I have gone through the motions lately of smiling and saying we are getting through but it seems to come out at your daddy and the boys.  I don't want to hurt those that are closest to me because they are "safe"  I don't want to hurt anyone, I don't want to hurt.  But that's just a part of my heart.  People think having a baby after you loose one fixes everything too...well Em's momma is having twins in February and she misses Emalee just as much as she did...my point here is that this pain isn't something that is meant to go away!  We aren't even supposed to learn to live with it, or even heal from...but rather draw close to God and let Him care for us when we can't care for ourselves.  Halloween is getting close and I want you to know how much Mathieu talks about you, he bought you a pumpkin the other day that I was going to decorate into an angel but he insisted on decorating it for you.  Tadum asked me today if I knew what your voice sounded like...I hadn't thought of that.  He wants to know what you sound like when you talk...I guess that is something we have to look forward to when we meet you in Heaven!  I don't know how you were so cute but you were...you are so cute I can't stand it!  When I look at you I see nothing but perfection, I see the Lord's face shining on yours....I don't see Jesus' face on everyone but I see it on yours and I did every time I looked at you!  I am so grateful I got to know you, even if it was such a short time.  You are a very special girl that had a very special purpose.  I am still learning from you....and the events that surrounded your life and death!  I love you...it is just that simple!  "Tonight I will lie down and sleep in peace, for you alone, O Lord, make me dwell in safety." Psalm 4:8  The Psalmist wrote this and the Lord ensured it was in His word, so I am going to begin to rest in peace.  That my fears and worries be cast down, that I give my heavy burden to the Lord, so that I may rest and heal.  The lord made us in such a mystical yet methodical way...our bodies are like magic how they recover at night when we sleep, how they rejuvenate and heal. This was one of my prayers for you every night in the hospital, that you would sleep well so that your body could do its magic.  Funny how I remember the exact words I prayed over you that I know the Lord heard yet haven't taken the time to pray them for myself!  Well Sophee girl tonight's that night!  And I know you will ask our Father in Heaven for that too... Blessings~


"As for you, be strong and do not give up, for your work will be rewarded" 2 Chronicles 15:7

Tomorrow

Let me start by telling you that tomorrow is Tata's birthday.  (Tata is my mom for my blog readers, her name is Tammy) I can't tell you how old she will be because she might whack me upside the head but just for thought...she had me when she was 20 and I am 31 going on 32.  I am excited for tomorrow, Maty has a field trip to the pumpkin patch in the afternoon and then we get to go and gather at Tata's house with Riley, Jackson, Ronnie, Mimi and Papa....and celebrate a woman deserving of celebration!  For my bloggers let me share a small part of my story with you.  My father Richard and brother Erik died in a plane crash 8 years ago, it will actually be 9 years ago this March.  Riley and Jackson are my soon to be 7 year old brother and sister (twins) with her husband, my step-father Ronnie. So Tata is a mom to an angel herself.  She feared me carrying you to term after we got your diagnosis. Because of all the horrible stories the doctors had told us and tried to convenience us of and the terrifying pictures in the text books they shared, Tata was scared of the pain I might have to endure if we lost you.  She also went through a period of promising herself and verbally informing everyone else (including me) that she wasn't going to get close to you because she couldn't bear anymore pain.  First let me tell you that that statement of hers caused many fights and debates.  Many of the debates being about what was worse...loosing her son (my brother) Erik at the age of 19 or loosing a baby...I am not sure you can define or categorize the loss of a child better or worse according to these things.  There are things that are different but yet the pain is very similar because you as a parent are not supposed to plan your child's funeral.  It is not natural and if your job as a parent is to love and protect your children and bring them up fearing the Lord...then what have we done becasue it wasn't our job as a parent.  At least it feels that way. Tata was there though from the beginning, at ultrasounds, at your c-section and let me tell you, that after a few trips to the Newborn Intensive Care Unit and rocking your sweet, little self did she begin to sing you..."You are my Sunshine" and quickly became your biggest fan.  She loved you so much.  She would come to the house to hold you so I could sleep, or so daddy and I could get out of the house for a massage...each time leaving more and more in love.  She showered you with the most beautiful gifts...blankets, clothes, and bows...she was with us during your last day here on Earth.  She gave you your last bath and she helped dress you for your final resting place. Those were not easy tasks to do, but she was there for you and for me...and that means so much!  So many were not there after you left us that those who still were truly may the Lord bless them for it, for it has not been an easy time.  Sophee,  I know Tata misses you so much.  I know both of us often think how unfair that the Lord would take Dad, Erik and you!  Almost seems cruel that one family should have to endure so many horrific losses in one short lifetime! But you have to dig real deep sometimes and remember ...that the Lord didn't do this to us but wants to helps us through it and that He has some perfect plan that we can't wrap our minds around to even begin to understand how He is going to work all of this tragedy for good! I guess that is why my wish for Tata tomorrow is many blessings~ blessings of peace, joy, hope, love, divine understanding, comfort....she deserves them.  She deserves them even though none of us are truly worthy of the Lord's love.  But that is where His mercies and grace play in...He gives them in spite of us being undeserving!  And since the Lord is so gracious I ask Him to pour His love out on her and that His light would illuminate her, that she would shine with His light so bright that people notice the beauty and appreciate it for what she is...and He has conformed her to His image.  I love my mom dearly, and its days like birthdays when you are supposed to have something grandiose to write down inside a card and fit it into a 2x2" space.  Well my heart feels this and so much more so sometimes it is easier to sign.."Happy Birthday. May the Lord bless you this year, may you grow closer in intimacy with Him and may you encounter Him in a whole new way...Blessings~ I love you...Love, Jimmy Summer, the boys and Sophee"  When I really want to tell her every day how wonderful she is, how strong she is, how much she means to me, how much I love and adore Riley and Jackson, how much I love and respect Ronnie.... 

Then here is the last part, the part that sucks!  Tomorrow my mom shouldn't have to miss Erik, she shouldn't have to miss my dad and she shouldn't have to miss you!  We should be surrounding her but the family is broken...so we all stretch ourselves out to make us fit around her but also to help fill in the gaps of where someone very important is missing!  We want you here, as selfish as that is I want you here.  I want to buy the perfect tee that says "my tata rocks" with the greatest fluffiest tutu ever with just the right over sized bow..walk in and hand her to you and see her face light up with pride...that Sophee's Tata rocks!  But not tomorrow, not until we celebrate in the presence of Him...Jesus Messiah Emanuel....Happy Birthday Tata.....

here is the song that the Lord played through my heart the whole time I typed tonight...I really hope all of you are listening to the music I post with each post.  The Lord is directing His play list! Blessings~
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oAssOfn5cAI

"From everlasting to everlasting the Lord's love is with those who fear Him, and His rightousness with their children's children" psalm 103:17

How careless...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cUjUvoynGMMI normally wouldn't have this conversation for more then 1 reason 1.I would never have this exact conversation with one of my kids at this age and 2. I know I run the risk of upsetting those who know what I am about to write about but this is what is on my heart so I am going to choose to share.  Last night late, after having been sick running a fever, not being able to breath, sleeping all day because I felt disorientated from being so ill we received a several frantic phone calls that someone in our family was hospitalized.  She was hospitalized becasue she runs with gangs and has a drug addiction and was shot!  I woke this morning to a mixed array of feelings.  Today is October 15.  A day that Presidnet Regan declared National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness and my heart is heavy.  I miss you Sophee so very much.  Today is a day that makes you reflect and my reflection has been emotional looking back and all the events that have lead to today.  Mommy has lost many babies, even been through more then 1 cycles of IVF to try to have you.  Between Tadum and Mathieu we lost many babies and then after Mathieu one more...all of this leading to the IVF cycles and the deep hurt and pain of wanting another baby; of wanting you!  Then the exciting news that you were being formed in my womb and a heart beat past 12 weeks...then the sudden shocking news that you would never live an entire life that you had Trisomy 18.  The fight that daddy and I had to put up to keep you alive even before you were born, the struggles that came from trying to make doctors, family and friends and total strangers understand that you were worth fighting for.  I have never regretted a day of the hardship, been bitter about having to advocate for you...I would have done it forever had the Lord allowed me!  Then last nights event took place and this girl has many children and was so careless with her life.  The anger that this creates deep down.  Here we are with broken hearts from missing holding you so bad and then a momma to 4 kids is so selfish she can't even consider all the consequences for her actions.  That it isn't only her life that her "choices" effect.  Cause and Effect is something that was taught to me early in life on simple worksheets in grade school.  I have to be the first to admit that I have not been perfect and I am still not but I have a conscious, I have a certain value for life.  Maybe the experience of you and your death have lead me to this place, but I still can not imagine a mother calling herself "good" could put herself in such harms way and that she could feel entitled and not realize the blessings that the Lord ha given to her or how the Lord protected her last night, or how eternally grateful she should be that her children were not in the car.  I posted a quote early on facebook about the sun rising and setting and what a blessing this is and how so many of us forget to give our Creator praise for seeing another.  How true this is.  There is part to being a victim of random acts of violence but then there is another when you choose a lifestyle that is full of risk and insanity.  When I became a mother, new things that had never mattered suddenly mattered.  But Sophee when I had you and then lost you, in what felt like all one breath, I had an even deeper understanding and appreciation for life.  A child to be knitted so intricately in a mothers womb, that is nothing less then a miracle. They do not call child birth labor for no reason but becasue of the risk and hard work a mother and child has to go through..so when we are blessed with a healthy pregnancy, a then a healthy child(ren) then we should wake every morning singing songs of praise for another...even we don't!  I have mentioned before how easy it is to sing praises of joy when things are "right" but can you still praise the Lord when things are "wrong"?  My prayer for today for this person who I feel was so completely careless is that the blinders are removed from her eyes and for myself that I can find a place of forgiveness.  What I wouldn't give to have you in my arms today.  Now therefore, our God, we thank You, and praise Your glorious name ... 1 Chron 29:13

just a quick p.s.

I just have to add a p.s. Sophee was so tiny here, she grew so much, she did things even the medical community swore she would never do! And even though she was still an itty bitty when she passed but she still made great strides and the Lord truly grew her in stature!

I am still breathing...

My Littlest Princess, It is Thursday evening.  Yesterday it had been 4 months since the Lord took you from my arms and embraced you in His.  I had so much anxiety leading up to yesterday, that I wasn't able to sleep Tuesday night, no matter what the line of defense was.  It is almost as if my being creates this mass hysteria and then the day comes and then it is over.  The sun rose and the sun set just as it always does.  I have to admit though that I can become quit on edge and the victims of the anger are most always your daddy and your brothers.  I find myself saying things to my children I would not say to most adults.  I have no patience with your dad, which usually leads to bickering and arguments...and then the day starts to come to a close, the boys are faithfully in bed, your father at the computer working and all I can think to myself is what a horrible job I did of celebrating your life.  It never ails that I will have to seek forgiveness from the Lord, your daddy, and the boys every Sunday and come your angelversary and your birthday.  I just keep praying that the Lord let me express myself in a much more pleasing manner and one that would bring Him glory and you blessings.  With your 11 month birthday around the corner, oh dear, I might as well as crawl into a hiding place until the day is done!  That is kind of silly because I logically know I need to arm myself with the word of God, bring my spirit into His presence with praise and worship but in my heart NOTHING feels right.  I always have dreaded this time of year.  Even before you were in my womb, I knew that the ending of September, the coming of fall and the start of school meant that October would fly through just like the leaves changing color and falling from the trees...pumpkin patches, Halloween decorations, Thanksgiving and Christmas all before I could get one holidays decorations down and another up... and now it even means more then that.  It is a time of excitement, Halloween is fun and care free, then Thanksgiving and your daddy's birthday but this year Sophee, Thanksgiving IS YOUR BIRTHDAY...can you believe that.  Your first birthday, that I had planned from the day you came home from the N.I.C.U. is on Thanksgiving.  I will leave the rest of the holiday maddness for another blog.  I am awed at what the Lord is taking me through.  Some of it hurts so bad I am not sure I can with stand another breathe and then it is without that I am breathing again.  It really bothers me that people have little messages for me about me seeming to be different, or that I am becoming a different person, or they saw me happy.  That it makes it easier for some to only be around during joyful times...well I have to say the joyful times are the easy times.  The times it is easy to sing and dance praises.  It is days like Wednesday that are hard to muddle through.  Why do people only choose the good days.  The truth is the Lord changed my heart and began a new stage of shaping me the day He welcomed you back to His kingdom.  He knew that.  He knew that my inner most being was going to change.  He did not take you to hurt me, nor to teach me lessons but I know He wants me to lean into Him and for me to be conformed to His likeness by your death.  He works all things together for the good of those who love Him...I know that is TRUTH!  What I have not understood is if God can stand by me through the bad days why can't others...I know I shouldn't have expectations but I believe it to be human nature.  You know Sophee, i am sure that Jesus knew I was going to have REALLY bad days after you died.  I don't think for a minute that He expected me to "recover," I think that the "healing" people wish me or claim to have seen is false.  Healing is something I don't think will ever happen for someone who has lost their child but rather they choose to stand in the Lord, choose joy.  I will never get over you, I will never heal from this broken heart but I can stand in my promises from Him.  In the same idea who expected EVERY SINGLE DAY TO BE A BAD DAY?  I didn't!  I knew some days would be easier then others, I knew some days would feel unbearable.  But the fact is, is that today, is the day after the day you died 4 months ago in June and I am still breathing.  I went on a class field trip with Anthony, I went to workout with your dad, I gave the boys and bath..and I tucked each one of their precious selves in to bed and told them just how much I love them!  That is what I had to offer today.  I think I did an amazing job, all things considered.  Every day from the day you died or from today doesn't have to be "happy day" but I also know the Lord did NOT promise us happiness...He did however tell us we could count all things JOY! Joy and happiness are two very different things...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KihQ0rJJXAIAnd we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them. Romans 8:28

Just Thinking

just to say I love you...So I am almost done with the auction, just waiting for a few more checks to arrive and a few people to contact me.  It amazes me that people would bid but not have intentions of paying or that their would actually be complaining about a product or service they received in exchange for a winning bid; when this was a charity event; but you know some people are never satisfied.  I get to start helping Molly Bear's by more then donation and actually make bears in your memory! I am so excited about this and Brigit and Tamberly are so thoughtful they want your name to be attached to the bears I make.  Which is very nice because I am doing this in your honor, just like I did the donations and auction.  And as a mommy to an angel it is nice to have that recognized!  It has been a long week with me being sick and not feeling 100% plus slightly moody because your angel date of the 12th is approaching, then the 23rd (you would be 11 months) and then your birthday, your daddy's birthday, Thanksgiving, Christmas!  Oh dear how I am dreading all of these...how am I going to get us all through this...together I assume is all that matters! I just keep thinking to myself once I pass these monumental dates that something is going to change, as if a magic trick or something, but in my heart I know different....I guess it is just the victory of making it through them...not saying that we will make it through them without any knicks or scratches but I know the Lord will bring us though it.  Which is also another bitter sweet thing, knowing the Lord will provide a way to the other side of this but the harsh reality that we are about to embark these dates without you being with us when they are about you too!  I suppose all those times I heard growing "Life isn't fair" is nothing lass then truth!  And to be quit honest I am not sure the bible says "life is fair" either but rather the Lord will hold me up at His righteous right hand and that he leads me beside still waters...Sophee I know you know how much I loved you, my hope is the rest of the world would know my love for you too and that, that love would make a difference in someone's life! Blessings to you and Jesus sweet girl...Blessings

it's gone by so fast

This was the 4th day of your life

I can't believe that today has been 16 weeks since the last time I held your warm body

4 months in heaven

Sophee, It has been 16 weeks since the last time I help your warm body.  I can still remember the smell, and feel the wrinkles on your skin..you were so skinny after all. I just adore those memories.  You snuggled in mommy's chest, so natural.  I was so difficult to hold you while you were intubated. I was so fearful of the tube becoming dialoged becasue when I put you against my chest you trying digging yourself deeper and deeper.  I am not sure where the time has gone.  I can recall the details of the day you died like it just happened but then it feels like forever since I was able to touch you! I spent 6 1/2 months doing nothing but caring for you and holding you.  We spent so much time in the rocking chair it was almost as if you knew when we were not in it.  I tried putting you in the bed with me several times but that wasn't what you wanted. And boy did you have an opinion. You knew up until that least breath who you wanted and how you wanted it! I miss you...You are a picture of God's perfection and a story of His grace...I can't believe this amount of time has come and gone.

Butterfly Footprints: Sophee Olivia

This is something special another angel mommy made me out of Sophee's footprints...enjoy Butterfly Footprints: Sophee Olivia

I'm Sick

So I had thought for almost a week I was just experiencing allergies but I woke this morning and I am actually sick.  Sick to the point nothing taste good, my throat is killing me.  It is almost as if I chose to slow life down a smidge, not force myself to every single &:00 a.m. baseball game, not volunteer for every classroom duty, not offer to purchase every classroom need, not extend my help when I really didn't have it in me to help, not stretch my self to R.S.V.P. to every birthday invitation that comes home in backpack mail.  I know that these things are important to do and life not stop completely but when you offer to do all of this plus some you find yourself winded and out of breath.  I also think there is another side to this, so I chose to slow down plus my life (not by choice) slow down. And now life has hit me like a box of rocks and I am sick.  The past year I was so busy caring for someone else I didn't have  a choice to get sick so I was very careful about being around others, going into public, and my children had a sanitary routine when they came home from school...they came in stripped their clothes and went straight to the bath tub before they could enter the front part of the house to ensure we were doing a good disease control.  Plus hand sanitizer every time you touched, well anything! I made sure everyone had the multi-vitamins and over cautious about my child entering my room. And outsiders coming into my home...well all the sudden it's cold weather and I go to the grocery store (something I did not do when Sophee was here unless I had outerwear on and a mask.) And i showered the moment I got done putting the groceries away, wiped down all the groceries with clorox wipes.  If you could have thought it, I did it, to keep that baby healthy. And it kept us healthy.  But now I don't wipe my groceries down, I do wash my hands first thing when I come in from public, but my kids don't change anymore and it seems that all this is going to have to go a few rounds with my immune system before I feel better and have some tolerance.  You know I miss this, I knew I was doing something that was safe for Sophee and my boys! I guess that's where I am trying to go with this today...everything changed.  The more I think about it, the more I realize since Sophee died nothing has stayed the same.   I am not sure things will ever be the way they were before I had her or before I lost her. See there is several very distinct time periods of life here...Sophee's pregnancy was one, Sophee's birth and time here another, then Sophee's last hospitalization another, and still another since Sophee's death.  I don't want to stay exactly as I am, I never have.  I have the desire for the Lord to mold me and shape me but sometimes I wish that meant not such harsh realities or life lessons.  Anyhow, the best for today is what it is.  I have baseball games to go to, a house to straighten up, and not feeling good (my goal will be not to hurt my family with my mouth today)  I hate being sick, I am sure everyone does!  But I really hate being sick this time because it is just one more piece proving to me how much I miss having Sophee to take care of.

So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison,  as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal.  2 Corinthians 4:16-18  

It's cold outside....

The weather has changed quickly...we went to a wedding last weekend and it was beautiful out. The weather was just right, not too hot...not too cold. I found myself as the bride danced with her father, her brother, and the groom danced with his mother thinking back and forward.  I thought back to my wedding day and that I didn't have my brother to stand up for me in the wedding party, and that my dad wasn't there to walk me down the isle and the pain that brought that day and this particular Saturday. I was also reminded of the pain my mother must have felt that day, having to act as two people, as my mother and playing  the role a father is supposed to play in a daughter's life and give her away to her groom. I also thought of the pain she must have felt that day knowing she would never see my brother (Erik) get married or have children. The legacy lost in a heart beat.  Then I was brought forward to me and your daddy's life at that very moment....we would never see you married, never see your beautiful smile in the beautiful white dress! Nor would we see your first tooth, your first steps, your first day of school....all of this leading up to today. The weather is changing you can feel the fall in the air and I am reminded of the great amount of anxiety I felt leading up to your birth.  What would happen, would you cry, would we get a moments time with you...then you were here and all the exciting things I prepared for your life. The first Halloween costume...oh how I couldn't wait to dress you up as a little lady bug! And the cold outside reminds me of Thanksgiving and Christmas approaching soon.  But its going to be your birthday before you know it! Your first birthday! Oh how exciting...when you were home from the hospital mommy had to stay in the room with you so I watched a lot of t.v. Things like cupcake wars and on a particular episode I had seen the perfect birthday cake! How big a celebration it was to be, what a miracle you were and what joy I felt planning these things! I would like to write here that I still have that same excitement about planning your first birthday, becasue why wouldn't we still celebrate you but it doesn't seem to be feeling that way! Anyhow, that can be figured out as we get closer...
   I have a bit of an after thought here...I was thrown off by the comment someone (not a close friend) had sent to me privately through facebook a week or so ago and in that message she stated how I had gone into my own little world and that she hoped I had began my healing process soon...well all of this is a part of my healing process...including the pain.  It is not like I have had years to process this but even more I am about to embark all your first! Your first birthday that will also be your first birthday in heaven, your first Halloween, your first thanksgiving, daddy's birthday and I am afraid. I know my feelings will not kill me but sometimes it sure does feel like it! So with all this being said, I began to try and change my feelings and it has left me a bit depressed.  I can not change how I feel; I can however still find joy in the Lord! and I can say this was not her place to say to me becasue I will never heal completely I will always have a scared heart from your life and death! You will always be my baby, my girl! You are a delight to think of but if I think about it too much my heart sobs....It is an unexplainable thing that your heart can cry but it does...there is a medical condition called broken heart syndrome.  Which is exactly as it sounds, someone has suffered a trauma so great they begin to have symptoms of a heart attack.  I really love you Sophee and I miss you so very much!

"2 Timothy 1:7
For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline