Sunday, December 11, 2011

Sunday again...

Looking for a reason So not only is it Sunday Sophee girl but tomorrow will have been 6 months!  Six months of agony, of heartache and pain. Trying to find my place in this world.  Trying to find peace and joy for the boys.  I can not believe that Christmas is only 2 weeks away.  I went ahead and told Santa to bring you a little something that boys can tinker with when they are missing you! On top of all of this it was a long was Riley and Jackson's a party Friday night and then another on Saturday and the Riley had dance competition today(which lasted something like 6 hours!) She rocked, she really did and she has a passion for it...but the place I found myself in of that wishing I could one day put the glitter and hairspray and make cute little dance outfits and headbands was almost unbearable.  I would love to put you in dance and watch you is sweet watching Riley light up.  She loves dancing and has a passion for it.  I love the bond that sisters share.  It is so sweet to have a little brother and sister and only wish there was more time I could spend with them...but I have the boys and they have their own activities.  I so desperately want to be a mom to a girl...I know one day when the boys grow up I will have 3 daughter in laws (and can only hope they will love me) But I want you.  Which is not an option so another baby is all I can hope for and I just have to pray that the Lord wants for me what I want...sometimes He says no and that is a very scary thing for me....We went to church last night and we listened to the Pastor share about how facebook is taking time away from our special people...those closest to us.  Our husbands, wives and children becasue we are too busy on phones or computers...I don't want to be that mom...Anthony will be out of the house if I am lucky in no less then 9 years!  Time flies...I want to invest in those around me.  I want daddy to know he is loved and supported and the boys to know they are more important then a "hold on", while I finish checking someone else's page...He also spoke of feeling important because we have the info first and how a family had had a family member pass at 3:00 am and that the family woke the next day to read this member had passed becasue it was all over facebook and was immediately thrown back to the day you died and how boundaries were lost that day...that we were trying to make your last hours, minutes here with us as quite and peaceful and memorable as possible and the phones wouldn't stop, and how I have lost friends becasue I didn't call them first after she passed or haven't healed fast enough...I don't need space, or tough love just simple unconditional love becasue I am going through the valley of the shadow of death...the Lord promises us deliverance but not in a certain amount of time...Jesus when Lazarus died could have gone to those who were grieving him and said to them "Hey you dummies, quit crying he is going to be raised from the dead" but he didn't he went and he grieved with them.  Life looks a lot different, my tolerance is much lower and sometimes have lost my filter but fake is something that bugs me...genuine politeness is one thing but to walk around smiling and shining when I feel a shadow cast upon me isn't all that real...wouldn't you wonder if mommy actually loved you if I carried on with my life as I did before I ever even knew you existed?  I am not that woman anymore, God didn't bring me through this to be the same woman but to grow me, to mold me, to shape me! Someone once said to me they loved me and were just waiting for things to get better in my life before they had anything to do with how is someone who isn't talking to me, calling, writing, coming by going to know when "things get better?"  No! No one has the right words to say, no prophetic words that will heal me or take away my pain but the simple knowing that you are there and you are thinking and praying for me is all that matters...  People need to realize I expect your life to go on as is was before, but you can't expect mine to carry on as it was.  I have forever been changed, Sophee you grew me in a whole new way, you made me aware of so many things I had never been before.  You were an angel sent to help grow me spiritually!  You gave me life lessons most will never have which makes me a more compassionate, sympathetic, empathetic understanding person.  I will never regret that!  I will never regret my greiving you, you were a part of me...not just that place you hold in my heart but you grew in my womb....I carried you as the Lord breathed the very breath of life into you...why would I not want to grieve such a special were a miracle.  I had another angel momma say to me recently that when people say to her that "her child is in a better place" she wants to just say to them, well then let us send your child there and see how you feel...see if you feel they are in a better place.... Of course believing in Jesus I know you are with Jesus walking and dancing on streets of gold! and would never desire to return here but it doesn't fill my empty arms or heart...they are still missing you!  Oh Sophee I love you and you have just helped me realize what is important and what is not...pretending that any amount of clothes or money would fix my heart...pretending life is great, smiling when I feel  like shedding tears and hiding from the world becasue my grief is is not worth it!  Nor is the silly feuding that has carried on for years...if you want to continue to hate me, fine so be it but understand that you have no place in our live and don't be angry about it.  If you yell and scream and cuss every time we see you, then we don't want to see you.  Your daddy, your brothers and I have an appreciation for things some don't and never will...not saying that makes them less of people but it does allow us to help others, draw boundaries (that many will judge) and I have always been careful about what I blog about knowing that family and friends read it and don't ever want to harm anyone but there comes a point when serving the Lord and protecting our hearts is the most important even if that means you can't be apart of our doesn't mean you aren't loved, love doesn't mean letting someone walk all over you...For crying out loud even the Lord allows consequences for our actions to why as people can we not draw boundaries and say "No more"  This blog has been all over the place and it is becasue I haven't been blogging enough!  This is the only way I can talk to you, forever! and I deserve to say whatever I want...if I have to seek the Lord's forgiveness after writing something then that is between me and the Lord!  Shut your eyes and close your browser!  Sophee I love you dearly, you are our girl, our angel...not many ever get to live a completely clean (never sinned or harmful) life but you did and there was something to take from you...lots of somethings!  You had the strength to live 201 days the doctors aid would be cruel and inhuman!  But you lived it loved and loving!  I have to say until you are the parent or family who wakes up to the Lord saying I am taking my child home and begging Him not to, but knowing you have to hand your child back over to Him...then you just don't even get to wonder about me or my family!  We have done everything we ever have including fundraising for other families...out of love for our God and our daughter! Sophee I love you...Blessings my sweet child...blessings sweet Jesus~ I love you!

I just looking, trying to find my place in this world again...
what is my ministry
why did the Lord bring me through the heartache and pain
can you hear me asking you to place me where I belong
I want to bring you glory
that I know you can bring us to defeat a 50 foot tall and 50 foot wide wall
but where can you use me
you wouldnt have brough tme thruogh all of what I have been through breathing if it wasn't to glorify your kingdom
now help me Lord find my place again
help me know where to go and what to do
who to help
and how to help them
Lord you are our Lord...if you are for us who can stand against us?
Now take me as I am broken and in pieces...wishing for my heart to be put back together
and mend me and shape me as you see fit for your kingdom and your glory

Friday, December 9, 2011

a quick post...

I wanted to post something real quick for those who had left ugly messages my last blog...I  hope that you who said you weren't reading any more actually is something another mom who lost her daughter posted today...You don’t know how I feel; please don’t tell me that you do.
There’s just one way to know–have you lost a child too?
“You’ll have another child” – must I hear this every day?
Can I get another mother, too, if mine should pass away?
Don’t say it was “God’s will” – that’s not the God I know.
Would God, on purpose, break my heart,
then watch as my tears flow?
You have an angel in heaven – a precious child above.
But tell me, to whom here on earth shall I give this love?
“Aren’t you better yet?” Is that what I heard you say?
No! A part of my heart aches and I’ll always feel some pain.
You think that silence is kind, but it hurts me even more.
I want to talk about my child who has gone through death’s door.
Don’t say these things to me, although you do mean well.
They do not take my pain away; I must go through this hell.
I will get better, slow but sure – and it helps to have you near.
But a simple “I’m sorry you lost your child” is all I need to hear.

I have more to post later...including some sites of what not to say to greiving parents, the fact that my feelings are my feelings and for those who constantly walk around offending me with their words I usually keep my mouth shut but sometimes I just can't...I could have responded to my ugly messager last week who has a toddler...well lets send your daughter to heaven and tell you you you need to heal at "god speed"! I also want to share a devotion that was sent to me becasue this person had commented on how I had said about wanting for people to gift in Sophee's name, or start a tradition in her honor...a godly woman has asked the same 13 years ago!  I am not crazy...and I guess that is why I am typing this becasue I had taken the last couple of weeks off from facebook and my blog, questioning myself over and over had the things I had said been offensive and hurtful and should I apologize....I am not crazy or have I done anything wrong for missing my Sophee and wanting and wishing and praying! That these two people in particular were offering me tough love...I don't need tough love right now, I need real friends who offer unconditional love! But one of these girls I actually thought was a wonderful friend so I pondered and prayed about her words...but the Lord did not impress any of what she said on my heart as with that said I also have a place in my heart for grace and giving forgiveness.... My little brother and sister turn 7 today and I have to shower for their birthday party until I return later...have a blessed day ...Sophee I love you, Jesus I praise you! Blessings~
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