Thursday, October 13, 2011

I am still breathing...

My Littlest Princess, It is Thursday evening.  Yesterday it had been 4 months since the Lord took you from my arms and embraced you in His.  I had so much anxiety leading up to yesterday, that I wasn't able to sleep Tuesday night, no matter what the line of defense was.  It is almost as if my being creates this mass hysteria and then the day comes and then it is over.  The sun rose and the sun set just as it always does.  I have to admit though that I can become quit on edge and the victims of the anger are most always your daddy and your brothers.  I find myself saying things to my children I would not say to most adults.  I have no patience with your dad, which usually leads to bickering and arguments...and then the day starts to come to a close, the boys are faithfully in bed, your father at the computer working and all I can think to myself is what a horrible job I did of celebrating your life.  It never ails that I will have to seek forgiveness from the Lord, your daddy, and the boys every Sunday and come your angelversary and your birthday.  I just keep praying that the Lord let me express myself in a much more pleasing manner and one that would bring Him glory and you blessings.  With your 11 month birthday around the corner, oh dear, I might as well as crawl into a hiding place until the day is done!  That is kind of silly because I logically know I need to arm myself with the word of God, bring my spirit into His presence with praise and worship but in my heart NOTHING feels right.  I always have dreaded this time of year.  Even before you were in my womb, I knew that the ending of September, the coming of fall and the start of school meant that October would fly through just like the leaves changing color and falling from the trees...pumpkin patches, Halloween decorations, Thanksgiving and Christmas all before I could get one holidays decorations down and another up... and now it even means more then that.  It is a time of excitement, Halloween is fun and care free, then Thanksgiving and your daddy's birthday but this year Sophee, Thanksgiving IS YOUR BIRTHDAY...can you believe that.  Your first birthday, that I had planned from the day you came home from the N.I.C.U. is on Thanksgiving.  I will leave the rest of the holiday maddness for another blog.  I am awed at what the Lord is taking me through.  Some of it hurts so bad I am not sure I can with stand another breathe and then it is without that I am breathing again.  It really bothers me that people have little messages for me about me seeming to be different, or that I am becoming a different person, or they saw me happy.  That it makes it easier for some to only be around during joyful times...well I have to say the joyful times are the easy times.  The times it is easy to sing and dance praises.  It is days like Wednesday that are hard to muddle through.  Why do people only choose the good days.  The truth is the Lord changed my heart and began a new stage of shaping me the day He welcomed you back to His kingdom.  He knew that.  He knew that my inner most being was going to change.  He did not take you to hurt me, nor to teach me lessons but I know He wants me to lean into Him and for me to be conformed to His likeness by your death.  He works all things together for the good of those who love Him...I know that is TRUTH!  What I have not understood is if God can stand by me through the bad days why can't others...I know I shouldn't have expectations but I believe it to be human nature.  You know Sophee, i am sure that Jesus knew I was going to have REALLY bad days after you died.  I don't think for a minute that He expected me to "recover," I think that the "healing" people wish me or claim to have seen is false.  Healing is something I don't think will ever happen for someone who has lost their child but rather they choose to stand in the Lord, choose joy.  I will never get over you, I will never heal from this broken heart but I can stand in my promises from Him.  In the same idea who expected EVERY SINGLE DAY TO BE A BAD DAY?  I didn't!  I knew some days would be easier then others, I knew some days would feel unbearable.  But the fact is, is that today, is the day after the day you died 4 months ago in June and I am still breathing.  I went on a class field trip with Anthony, I went to workout with your dad, I gave the boys and bath..and I tucked each one of their precious selves in to bed and told them just how much I love them!  That is what I had to offer today.  I think I did an amazing job, all things considered.  Every day from the day you died or from today doesn't have to be "happy day" but I also know the Lord did NOT promise us happiness...He did however tell us we could count all things JOY! Joy and happiness are two very different things... we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them. Romans 8:28


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