Tuesday, November 29, 2011

It was a tough week!

So all the anxiety leading up to your birthday, I believe lead me to be ill.  The amount of stres my body has been under has taken a physical toll on my body and had one infection after another that I have had a difficult time fighting off! So becasue I was sick I didn't get your ballooons a head of time, I didn't do any of the things I wanted to...so what we did do...we went and took your brothers to eat dinner and the stopped at party city spent $50 on 4 balloons and glow sticks becasue by the time we released them it was 9:00 p.m.! We had the cutest abbcadabby cake pops and ice cream...I yelled at the boys and Jimmy, the boys fought, Jimmy aggravated and after it all was over and my head hit the pilllow I was grateful it was over! Since your birthday fell the day before thanksgiving I didn't get to have the actual birthday party I had hoped to have with family and friends! I was angry that there were no gifts for you!  And that angers me for Christmas too!  I buy things in memory of you for your special days...why can't others...I do have to say that Aunt Jane and family brought us necklaces with your picture on them, I got a few gifts in the mail from wonderful, perfect strangers that I call friends that I met on facebook!  But if you had been here in a high chair their would have been toys galore in front of you or cards with money...well why not still give those gifts?  Why not give the money in the card for us to donate in your name, or make shadow boxes for the walls with your things hanging in them...Things that will keep you alive in our home and bring our family comfort?  The boys love your stuff!  It is so special, it is almost like your things to them are belongings of a princess and are treated with such care!  Or why not let us donate to other organizations in your name?  I don't even want to be a part of Christmas with anyone if it is the same as your birthday was!  You still deserve the best!  We can't buy you clothes and bows and tutus but we can do things that will bring everyone comfort and peace and joy!  When we look around our house we see you every where and it feels good!  The boys love making you memory boxes and putting special things in them.  I love beautiful picture frames, I love unique things that say your name!  Those are the types of things we can buy for you now and that is it!...so why not!  Thanksgiving was not what I expected either...it wasn't bad but there was an emptiness and it sure didn't feel like Daddy's birthday which is so unfair!  I dread this for year after year now...all of it will always fall as it did this year just give or take a few days! Sophee I am praying for our Christmas present we get to have another baby! I know I may have to wait longer but I am praying...doesn't hurt right.  I know that I am still grieving your spirit but I think it is time for mommy to have a new one!  I want to claim healing in my heart and health in my body!  You Sophee are an inspiration...Tadum always calls you "my tiny baby sister"  They love love love you! and I think they too need a renewing of spirit.  The Lord speaks to a downcast soul and that is what I have had!  I was so grateful when you were here, so grateful...so proud, I wanted to share you with the world! And I am trying to rekindle that gratitude...the gratitude that has made me the woman I am right now!  I know the Lord is not done with me...I have been praying for a ministry of my own and that the Lord make it clear where He wants me...now its time to remove myself and let Him in!  God you are good and your mercies endure forever!  I really want to do Christmas different this year but I am not sure if I can handle so many changes at once or is it a good time to change things up a bit and let our family take flight!  To be able to love on the hurting, pray for those in need and show Christ's love!  I want to speak life, not death!  I want to be a servant, not served!  I want God to have the glory forever and ever! I am so very glad the God I serve can handle me breaking down on my knees, shaking my fists at Him and let Him know how very angry I am at Him, then come to my feet and raise my hands to praise Him!  I worship you even in the darkest of dark! Sophee I love you and many blessings~ Jesus I LOVE you and blessings, blessings~we praised you from the beginning of her life, to the end of her life and we still give you praise!

we worship you


Barbie said...

Well beautiful Summer... So sorry this has been so tough on you. Its Ok to be angry, sad, hurt and bitter. it all come with the grieving. I have been there, my daughter has been there and many of those I love. Just hang onto those who love you and let them help carry you through this. You know that Sophee is looking after you, Jimmy, and the boys and she loves you so. I hate to say this but it will get better. You will always miss her and think of her but a time will come that smiles will come more freely and you all will laugh at many memories. this is what will keep Sophee alive in your heart, I read your blogs and facebook everyday and will always have you and your family in my heart.

Lauren said...

You are so strong Summer and I love you and your family so much, I never knew I would ever meet someone like you or Sophee. You and Sophee and your family are a blessing to my life and I would never change anything because I would have never met yall, and never had to experience pure love with Addie,and Sophee. I pray for you all the time and I can't wait to come visit you again!! I love you and I love Sophee!

Sarah said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

this blog was only intended to let out my emotions, my feelings about the sadness of not having a birthday party full of gifts and life but rather anger and sadness...I appreciate those of you who let me say what I need without posting nasty things on my blog! Just stay off it! If I need to name names I will...even those who went to the cemetery I appreciate! The prayers got me throughout the day but it is a harsh reality for a bereaved parent to know your child will never be showered with gifts and kisses and it is a nice way to keep your angels alive by having others donate to charity, drop a card in the mail, pick up a little memento....and it is selfish! I am her mom and I need to know she is remembered!

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