just blank...

It has been strange the last few days, I have felt blank, empty, not much to feel or think.  I am interrupting my thought for my blog tonight because as I was on here beginning to type when I got a chat message on Facebook from another momma who is holding her daughter fearful that every breath is the last.  I can remember those first few days and weeks, then the hope that came after that that you were just going to be one of the few who lived...what a scary feeling that is and how glad I am I had a certain couple of friends who never told me to live like Sophee was dying but to live as if she was going to live!  They encouraged me Sophee girl...they told me to have hope, to run the race with endurance and I can say I did.  You have always been worth every fight, every heart ache, every moment of joy and peace and every blessing~ Every blessing that is good and perfect comes from above...that is you!  I have had a few days where I wasn't tearing my hair out, and able to control my emotions for the most part and it has been strange.   i should just count it a blessing and tell the Lord Thank you but I am scared something is wrong with me.  I know that I am having some other physical  issues that are making things different and I really want to quit labeling everything good or bad and just call it for what it was.  I wanted to blog about my week but after receiving that message from that mommy everything seems so frivolous..when an innocent life is between this world and the Lord's presence everything is intensified.  You know you need to create a lifetime of memories in anything but a lifetime!  I remember when you were first born I prayed that the Lord would bless me with enough time for you to wear all your preemie outfits!  He answered that pray plus a smidge more time! You got to wear all the extra outfits you were bought...but only in the preemie size!  And since you were irresistible you got I think every outfit the sold in Albuquerque in preemie size!  We even had people give us their coming home outfits for you to wear, that is how special you were! I still just adore the thought o your sweet face.  I don't want to be numb but also know that I am committed to this ride no matter where it takes me!  That grief does not discriminate and my Lord is the same today as He was yesterday! and Forever!  I am glad that the morning you woke me to tell me you where heading home was as clear cut as it was.  That I didn't have to watch you in horror becasue you were struggling that you were ready and made that clear.  That I was able to make the day what I thought we needed...what was best for Daddy, Mommy, your brothers, Tata, Francy...that I knew beyond a shadow of the doubt you and the Lord had spoken clearly to my heart. I am so grateful I got from December to May just enjoying the days with you...I got to bring you home without the fear of you not being "here" in the morning when I woke!  The Lord blessed me in many many ways....and all I can think about tonight is the beauty you radiated...I love you.  Blessings to you and Jesus!  The picture I picked tonight becasue this night was a night I had no fear! it was the month you turned 3 months old and we celebrated your life!  We had candles and cupcakes and it was good....You are good...