Friday, November 11, 2011

a fine line

change my heartI have a draft saved of what I really wanted to write tonight but I feel at a lose for words.  I want to express too many things in one blog and not sure today is the day to say all of.  Sophee I think it is strange the things that upset me lately. So I am actually going to copy and paste the draft from early now...the bible tells us that blood family is not always our family.  That sometimes it is our friends in Him that are our family and I have found that to be true many times.  There is an old saying "blood is thicker then water" but I can not attest to this.  I do not believe this.  I am grateful for the love , the support of so many who are in no way in my family circle.  It is in my mind like this...when I was younger I spent a lot of time with my aunts, uncles and cousins but as the years passed and families were separated and tragedy happened and we began our own families we saw and spoke to each other less and less... now the people who are in my life are people I have met in the past few years and they often no better then my family what is going on in my life.  I have still love and adore my cousins, aunts and uncles and this post is nothing to do with them but rather where do we draw the line when it comes to hurt, abuse and neglect?  The bible also reminds us of how powerful our words are, the power that lies in the tongue.  That we can start a great forest fire with our mouth!  A lot of time things are said that are so hurtful it is hard to ever allow a relationship to be what it was....forgiveness isn't always letting the person come back in and allowing them to treat you however they want but rather setting a boundary and keeping it, then praying blessings over the person who has harmed you.  Sometimes the Lord reconciles those relationships and sometimes He simply heals the brokenness from the hurt.  I can't say I am at a true place of forgiveness...I had a very close family member tell me back in February that Sophee deserved to die, that it was "Karma" and let me tell you Sophee's life had nothing to do with my past mistakes.  She was nothing less then a blessing! I choose to pray blessings over this person every day; and that the Lord would change my heart.  Kind of like a "fake it til you make it" But I am not going to let this person who also is in active addiction walk into my home and abuse me or my family in any way...yet so many are so quick to judge those boundaries.  I am just using all of this as an example to release my frustration with people and their can I go to church make friends but yet if you move churches those people are no longer your friends.  How can people say Sophee changed their life but then in the same breath tell me that I need to heal or that they don't like my hurt.  My hurt is a part of who I am and I know with all my heart that God will work my hurt into something good.  It already has, I can help a momma who lost her baby last week or watching her baby take her last breaths.  I have compassion for and understanding for people I never knew existed.  I have a bond now with my mom that I never had because we are both "mommy to an angel,"  I have so much hurt I want to step outside of myself and help others that are hurting, I appreciate things in life that most people will never even acknowledge as a miracle.  I also write all of this to help let out some of my anger with the people who haven't shown up since Sophee died.  Life went on for them, I am sure they think of her but have you called to tell me you are thinking of her?  it is strange after you loose a child, you need time alone yet you don't want to be alienated and I think so many fall short of showing up at all...I knew that right before and after your funeral I didn't want my house flooded with people because I knew they would all have to return to their lives and I would be left alone.  Well I kind f thought that I would get phone calls every now and then to say how are you, I was thinking of you or something but it rarely happens. But this has also left me a space to reconnect with God.  To begin to pray for a new ministry, where does He want me? I feel like I am all over the place and some of the things I just want to come out and say I shouldn't to avoid creating conflict but then I remembered I created this blog to be real, true to my feelings for you and other be raw and un-cut material!  So I am posting this days after I wrote it and left it saved as a draft on my computer.  Sophee God has brought me through many things addiction, fertility issues, the lose of my father and brother in a tragic accident, horrible abuse, my marriage being nothing close to sacred, your life and your death for a reason...I survived all of this and I can still praise His name! I want to begin working towards a ministry that reaches out to the hurt, the lost, the sick and the broken hearted and let them know that there is hope is the Lord!  I want to serve whole heartedly, I want to further His kingdom.  He is the only one who can work all things together for can good come from loosing my sweet and precious girl?  My heart is on fire for the Lord, to figure out how I can help lost souls meet Jesus and see His face and stand in the light of His glory!  I love you Sophee girl...Blessings~ to you and precious Jesus<3


JAMIE said...

I will say you re opened my eyes to the Lord.. I had let myself slip away and honestly you and Soph made me reconnect my faith.. Thank you and I love you..

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