Tomorrow

Let me start by telling you that tomorrow is Tata's birthday.  (Tata is my mom for my blog readers, her name is Tammy) I can't tell you how old she will be because she might whack me upside the head but just for thought...she had me when she was 20 and I am 31 going on 32.  I am excited for tomorrow, Maty has a field trip to the pumpkin patch in the afternoon and then we get to go and gather at Tata's house with Riley, Jackson, Ronnie, Mimi and Papa....and celebrate a woman deserving of celebration!  For my bloggers let me share a small part of my story with you.  My father Richard and brother Erik died in a plane crash 8 years ago, it will actually be 9 years ago this March.  Riley and Jackson are my soon to be 7 year old brother and sister (twins) with her husband, my step-father Ronnie. So Tata is a mom to an angel herself.  She feared me carrying you to term after we got your diagnosis. Because of all the horrible stories the doctors had told us and tried to convenience us of and the terrifying pictures in the text books they shared, Tata was scared of the pain I might have to endure if we lost you.  She also went through a period of promising herself and verbally informing everyone else (including me) that she wasn't going to get close to you because she couldn't bear anymore pain.  First let me tell you that that statement of hers caused many fights and debates.  Many of the debates being about what was worse...loosing her son (my brother) Erik at the age of 19 or loosing a baby...I am not sure you can define or categorize the loss of a child better or worse according to these things.  There are things that are different but yet the pain is very similar because you as a parent are not supposed to plan your child's funeral.  It is not natural and if your job as a parent is to love and protect your children and bring them up fearing the Lord...then what have we done becasue it wasn't our job as a parent.  At least it feels that way. Tata was there though from the beginning, at ultrasounds, at your c-section and let me tell you, that after a few trips to the Newborn Intensive Care Unit and rocking your sweet, little self did she begin to sing you..."You are my Sunshine" and quickly became your biggest fan.  She loved you so much.  She would come to the house to hold you so I could sleep, or so daddy and I could get out of the house for a massage...each time leaving more and more in love.  She showered you with the most beautiful gifts...blankets, clothes, and bows...she was with us during your last day here on Earth.  She gave you your last bath and she helped dress you for your final resting place. Those were not easy tasks to do, but she was there for you and for me...and that means so much!  So many were not there after you left us that those who still were truly may the Lord bless them for it, for it has not been an easy time.  Sophee,  I know Tata misses you so much.  I know both of us often think how unfair that the Lord would take Dad, Erik and you!  Almost seems cruel that one family should have to endure so many horrific losses in one short lifetime! But you have to dig real deep sometimes and remember ...that the Lord didn't do this to us but wants to helps us through it and that He has some perfect plan that we can't wrap our minds around to even begin to understand how He is going to work all of this tragedy for good! I guess that is why my wish for Tata tomorrow is many blessings~ blessings of peace, joy, hope, love, divine understanding, comfort....she deserves them.  She deserves them even though none of us are truly worthy of the Lord's love.  But that is where His mercies and grace play in...He gives them in spite of us being undeserving!  And since the Lord is so gracious I ask Him to pour His love out on her and that His light would illuminate her, that she would shine with His light so bright that people notice the beauty and appreciate it for what she is...and He has conformed her to His image.  I love my mom dearly, and its days like birthdays when you are supposed to have something grandiose to write down inside a card and fit it into a 2x2" space.  Well my heart feels this and so much more so sometimes it is easier to sign.."Happy Birthday. May the Lord bless you this year, may you grow closer in intimacy with Him and may you encounter Him in a whole new way...Blessings~ I love you...Love, Jimmy Summer, the boys and Sophee"  When I really want to tell her every day how wonderful she is, how strong she is, how much she means to me, how much I love and adore Riley and Jackson, how much I love and respect Ronnie.... 

Then here is the last part, the part that sucks!  Tomorrow my mom shouldn't have to miss Erik, she shouldn't have to miss my dad and she shouldn't have to miss you!  We should be surrounding her but the family is broken...so we all stretch ourselves out to make us fit around her but also to help fill in the gaps of where someone very important is missing!  We want you here, as selfish as that is I want you here.  I want to buy the perfect tee that says "my tata rocks" with the greatest fluffiest tutu ever with just the right over sized bow..walk in and hand her to you and see her face light up with pride...that Sophee's Tata rocks!  But not tomorrow, not until we celebrate in the presence of Him...Jesus Messiah Emanuel....Happy Birthday Tata.....

here is the song that the Lord played through my heart the whole time I typed tonight...I really hope all of you are listening to the music I post with each post.  The Lord is directing His play list! Blessings~
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oAssOfn5cAI

"From everlasting to everlasting the Lord's love is with those who fear Him, and His rightousness with their children's children" psalm 103:17