Saturday, February 25, 2012

trust...a little short on this

I have tried to write this blog 3 times and each time I have hit the wrong button and it has erased so last go round...

I went to the doctor last Friday for a procedure and was supposed to receive preliminary results back by Wednesday of this week. Well when I called for the results the office informed me that the sample collected was not large enough to do the preliminary testing and I would have to wait until Friday. I called yesterday and never received a phone call back. First off I have never prayed for patience because I know that the lessons that usually come with the request of patience is often very trying and to be honest I am not up for any trials right now. I know that the saying goes "god will never give you more then you can handle" but come on...I can't get with that! You could preach that to me all day long but I am telling you when you are the one going through could care less how strong God thinks you are! I am at this place in this not so pleasant journey where I am struggling with "letting go and letting God!" Here is how I can break it down to you...fact: my father and brother died in a horrific plane crash (coming up on 10 years in March) God did not spare their lives, they were here then they were gone! Fact: Sophee was not healed before birth...people from one end of this Earth to the other prayed for this child to be healed and she wasn't! Fact: Sophee's life was not spared even though many prayed and claimed healing over her when she was sick. Fact: I have suffered more traumatic losses in a lifetime then most will ever experience. These are not peaceful deaths where a loved one lived 90 something years then passed in their sleep...these were horrifying, terrifying life shaking events! These people were here one day and gone the one ready to let go, no one ready to say good bye, no one could even say well at least they lived a full life! My father was 43, my brother was 20, my daughter 201 days old! I have gone through valleys and then been at the top of the mountain during this lesson and right now I am back in the valley. The lesson...I have many times asked God "why?" and have not understood why! Why would the God of the Universe, who is capable of miracles not have spared us any pain? I have come to the place where I know it is not my place to question our God and surrender and praise Him for who He is! and I sit in a place of this very conversation...
"God why have you not spared my family any pain? God you knew how much I loved that baby..why did you take her? God you know my hearts is not much but why God, why would I expect a God who couldn't even preform a miracle in the time of need listen to my hearts desire? Oh that's right I don't expect you too."
I keep hoping my faith would have triumphed these feelings but today they are raw and on my shoulders...I know God knew when Sophee died that I was going to struggle and I was going to hurt and I was going to have a tough time rounding up my faith somedays...I know He understands...but today I just want Him to listen..I want God in a box that I can understand. That makes some sense. That doesn't feel like I am fighting for every last breath of air. I know that I am really grateful that God works in ways I can't comprehend but some days I wish there was a glimpse of understanding why what has happened in my 32 years has happened. I have given God al the glory and really grateful for Sophee's life, and really have no desire for anyone to place any judgement here or even remotely tell me what blog may help me heal...all of this is my healing! The pain is part of healing, this crazy ride I am on is all leading to "healing" for whatever healing is? I just need to have a real conversation, a real dialogue with God! One that may not look pretty or say in your name I pray...I need Him to help me surrender. feelings are not pretty, they aren't easy...and I am pretty sure that when God created "will" He was very aware that feelings would come with it and that not all feelings were pretty or graceful. That is something that has amazed me along this journey...people have spoken things to me about healing but honestly have no grasp on what I am healing from...God knew that my grief wasn't going to be graceful...that their would be a lot of stumbling and fighting... so what is it about the stumbling and the fighting..whether it be with my own feelings, with my faith...God gets don't think God grieved Jesus wen He died? Come on people we were created in His image! Break that down...break it down all the way to grief! God was sad, He was angry, if God is real and we were created in His likeness then why do you think God didn't grieve? Would you tell God to hurry and heal over Jesus being crucified? Over the pain of His sacrifice? I think why say it to a momma hurting...a momma wrestling with her faith. I keep going back and forth...I hate that Sophee had Trisomy 18 and that it eventually lead to her death but I am grateful for the friendships and the some of the the same breath I resent those relationships because of what formed them and I resent the lessons because they were not lessons I ever wanted to learn. I want to be so personal with God that I can trust Him, that it is not this supernatural weird "oh heavenly father" in king james version talk but just a real conversation with a real God. Someone who I can come to, who I know will be there and after you have had a child don't always feel that...and why wouldn't you not always feel like God was for you when you have this sweet innocent being that has never hurt anyone or anything taken from you yet the man who abused his wife for many years is healed from cancer? This is what I am saying...sometimes I wish God worked inside a box so I could understand! My small world consist of a very small amount of people, places and things when you get down to the fact that God knows everyone and every hair on their heads. My world is small! Real small...and I don't always understand what is going on in my small world!
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