Thursday, November 3, 2011

I haven't ____ in a while...

I haven't been on the blog in a while and I felt like tonight I could clear my mind if I sat here and wrote to you and had the conversation I would have had with you today, of course with no response just those big brown eyes looking up at me intently, watching every move my mouth made.  I muddled through Halloween.  It was fun, it is always exciting to see the boys so excited over small things like tootsie rolls and costumes, it is a blessing!  I enjoy watching the boys get to be kids, to experience life in the moment rather then like I do...always in the past, or panicking about the future.  I lived my life before I knew I was pregnant with you wishing for a girl, for a baby and my every thought was centered on and around this thought..."I WANT A GIRL GOD."  My prayers were for a girl that the boys could learn to be gentle with, to protect, to love and for Daddy to have a princess...that all of them would have a girl to learn compassion, gentleness, tenderness, protection...well let me say that all that praying got me exactly what I asked for.  You were a fragile, little, tiny baby girl that needed to be protected and fought for.  That needed to be treated with the utmost carefulness.  I felt as is God sent me a package that was clearly marked on the outside "CAREFUL CONTENTS ARE FRAGILE!!"  Then I found out I was pregnant with you and I spent the next several months preparing and panicking for what was to come when you were born.  Would you actually have this horrible genetic abnormality, would I love you, would you be healed, would you live????  All these questions lead me to be a wreck, an angry panicked, anxiety ridden mess...Then you came and I have to say I lived a lot of your short life in fear but after you came home from the newborn intensive care unit, I had a hope and a faith that I hadn't had before. A peace that was unexplainable, a trust that everything was going to be ok...Now I lived believing for healing until that Sunday morning when you woke me to inform me that you were heading home.  Now I have spent the past five months almost somewhere between the past and the future....what could have I done differently, did I make the right choices, how much I wish I could turn back time to the polar opposite of wondering will Daddy and I ever have another baby?  Will the Lord bless us with another girl?  Am I broken?  Will having another baby be helpful in the healing or cause more hurt? I stepped out of the bath tub tonight and glanced at a votive that has been sitting on the bath room sink for months now and it reads "Faith makes things possible"...Oh yeah!  How did I forget AGAIN, that God is in control!  He knows the inner most desires of my God is not a punishing God and how in the world can I pray for all things for others believing in my prayer, that the Lord is hearing us call on Him on these friends behalf but some how doesn't care about me and what I desire.  He provides my every need, He satisfies my soul...when I turn it over and allow Him to be in control and trust that the Lord makes no mistakes and loves His children dearly.   Living in the past and fearing the future has lead me to be bitter and I know what God has to say about bitterness and the warnings He heeds to those with a bitter heart, and here I find myself, not bitter with people, but biter with the cards I have been dealt.  And to stand in a place of surrender and how frightening that is but also the freedom in that!  Knowing that my God is bigger then all of this and He asks me...get that He asks me to share His yolk, that He will carry my burdens and lighten my load.  Now serving a God who is willing to serve is a blessing and I PRAISE HIM FOR THAT!  I think sometimes it is just a small visual reminder that we need.  And tonight all I needed was to remember that God is in control.  I don't have to worry about any of the things from the past, especially when it comes to you becasue I know God lead me in every decision I made for you.  And that I was never really in control in the first place.  He opened doors and hearts when they needed opening...even on Thanksgiving day; 3 days after you were born; when your lungs began to collapse and the doctors told me they wouldn't treat you...and that when they did you probably wouldn't live the intubation process and you did! He lead us to a lovely group of doctors and nurses who were willing to get vulnerable and and let you teach them, He lead us to a heart surgeon who had a special needs child of his own and without hesitation agreed to fix your heart! Sophee God was there, He was present and I let Him why now in a time of despair do I shove and push?  Why not let Him be that same God who comforted and protected us...He hasn't changed, I have, but He hasn't!  

Matthew 6:25-34

New International Version (NIV)
Do Not Worry
    25 “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? 26 Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27 Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life[a]?

   28 “And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. 29 Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 30 If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? 31 So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ 32 For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. 33 But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

God is in Control 


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