Wednesday, November 30, 2011

an ugly message

I received an ugly comment on my blog tonight and they informed me of how they no longer would read it which was interesting becasue it was someone whom I already blocked from facebook and have no other relationship with! I am hurting..its my first all coming at once without Sophee and so maybe my feelings are not graceful but they are mine and all of it is a part of the greif to get to a place where the pain is bearable...this person has said several times that she hope I heal soon from Sophee's death...hey p.s. I will always have a scar! And birthdays, holidays may aggrevate the wound.  I am so sorry to the Lord only for not always being graceful...but He loves me and He forgives me.  I was thrown off by the fact that Sophee's first birthday had no baby in a high chair, no gifts on the table and no candles on a cake.  I am very grateful for though those who prayed for us thru the got us thru it ALIVE!  and our hearts are pieced a chip back (with glue and all around the edges) knowing that we are going to get through all of these tough times!  I am always thrown off when someone says to me I should be healed or Sophee is in a better place...I believe in Jesus Christ!  Of course Heaven is a better place and I am sure she doesn't want to be back on this Earth but for a grieving momma...simple statements that say I am thinking of you or praying for you are all that is needed sometimes!  My feelings are raw and certain things do bother me...such as a comment someone had left about how sick Sophee looked (this was even after she was home from the hospital from her heart surgery) and that they were glad she was no longer here...I know they didn't mean harm by it...but I commented to what the person said about at least she wasn't suffering many of you Trisomy mommies would have thought your child was better off becasue they look sick to someone else...To us she looked perfect and good and they hadn't even ever seen the bad...and the friend who was actually a real friend just took Sophee's picture down and got angry at me! Until you have lost a child judgment should be far from you!  Even then everyone grieves differently! The only hope we have is to keep our angel's memory alive in the hearts of those who loved them and that one day we will be reunited with them.  I got a thoughtful card, several beautiful messages on facebook from lots of people for warm wishes for Sophee and how much she meant to them, even got a few gorgeous gifts and Sophee got balloons galore and flowers at her grave! I don't care if I ever receive gifts on her special days but it is a gut wrenching pain knowing that she doesn't get of the people who I am referring to would have been at her first birthday with a card I am sure but she didn't even say happy birthday on my or Sophee's wall...My mom wouldn't have been out of town, she would have been here to celebrate a miraculous first birthday! And I have the right to grieve all of that! And grieving all of that is part of my healing...and I no matter how long will always miss the baby I held and cuddled and nursed! So for those of you who don't like my blog please do not read it...I don't want to hurt you and my blogs up until this one have not been directed to anyone...just my plain and ugly emotions!  People can handle the happy feely stuff but the ugly parts about life, such as choosing em-bombing fluid for your child or not...or how to pick the perfect bow to go on her in her casket...hush Summer hush!  They actually have written books about what not to say to a grieving parent!  Published books!  So why is it that I am targeted for saying that something bugs me? It's my life, I try to tread lightly and again I am not always graceful!  But to want to start a war on a blog of a dead child is insanity! Quite reading!  Thank you to all of you who just love me  no matter how ugly things seem!  I love you Sophee~Blessings to you and Jesus

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

It was a tough week!

So all the anxiety leading up to your birthday, I believe lead me to be ill.  The amount of stres my body has been under has taken a physical toll on my body and had one infection after another that I have had a difficult time fighting off! So becasue I was sick I didn't get your ballooons a head of time, I didn't do any of the things I wanted what we did do...we went and took your brothers to eat dinner and the stopped at party city spent $50 on 4 balloons and glow sticks becasue by the time we released them it was 9:00 p.m.! We had the cutest abbcadabby cake pops and ice cream...I yelled at the boys and Jimmy, the boys fought, Jimmy aggravated and after it all was over and my head hit the pilllow I was grateful it was over! Since your birthday fell the day before thanksgiving I didn't get to have the actual birthday party I had hoped to have with family and friends! I was angry that there were no gifts for you!  And that angers me for Christmas too!  I buy things in memory of you for your special days...why can't others...I do have to say that Aunt Jane and family brought us necklaces with your picture on them, I got a few gifts in the mail from wonderful, perfect strangers that I call friends that I met on facebook!  But if you had been here in a high chair their would have been toys galore in front of you or cards with money...well why not still give those gifts?  Why not give the money in the card for us to donate in your name, or make shadow boxes for the walls with your things hanging in them...Things that will keep you alive in our home and bring our family comfort?  The boys love your stuff!  It is so special, it is almost like your things to them are belongings of a princess and are treated with such care!  Or why not let us donate to other organizations in your name?  I don't even want to be a part of Christmas with anyone if it is the same as your birthday was!  You still deserve the best!  We can't buy you clothes and bows and tutus but we can do things that will bring everyone comfort and peace and joy!  When we look around our house we see you every where and it feels good!  The boys love making you memory boxes and putting special things in them.  I love beautiful picture frames, I love unique things that say your name!  Those are the types of things we can buy for you now and that is it! why not!  Thanksgiving was not what I expected wasn't bad but there was an emptiness and it sure didn't feel like Daddy's birthday which is so unfair!  I dread this for year after year now...all of it will always fall as it did this year just give or take a few days! Sophee I am praying for our Christmas present we get to have another baby! I know I may have to wait longer but I am praying...doesn't hurt right.  I know that I am still grieving your spirit but I think it is time for mommy to have a new one!  I want to claim healing in my heart and health in my body!  You Sophee are an inspiration...Tadum always calls you "my tiny baby sister"  They love love love you! and I think they too need a renewing of spirit.  The Lord speaks to a downcast soul and that is what I have had!  I was so grateful when you were here, so proud, I wanted to share you with the world! And I am trying to rekindle that gratitude...the gratitude that has made me the woman I am right now!  I know the Lord is not done with me...I have been praying for a ministry of my own and that the Lord make it clear where He wants its time to remove myself and let Him in!  God you are good and your mercies endure forever!  I really want to do Christmas different this year but I am not sure if I can handle so many changes at once or is it a good time to change things up a bit and let our family take flight!  To be able to love on the hurting, pray for those in need and show Christ's love!  I want to speak life, not death!  I want to be a servant, not served!  I want God to have the glory forever and ever! I am so very glad the God I serve can handle me breaking down on my knees, shaking my fists at Him and let Him know how very angry I am at Him, then come to my feet and raise my hands to praise Him!  I worship you even in the darkest of dark! Sophee I love you and many blessings~ Jesus I LOVE you and blessings, blessings~we praised you from the beginning of her life, to the end of her life and we still give you praise!

we worship you

Thursday, November 24, 2011

Today was your birthday

Well sweet girl, you are officially a 1 year old princess! The day is over and momma is relieved.  I had an awful start to the week.  First the negative pregnancy test, then the infection in my mouth, the cost of the surgery to fix the infection, the financial burden the surgery is causing during the holidays, the fact the infection is getting worse rather then better.  I woke this morning to a call and a trip to the oral surgeon to see why all the sudden my face was swelling. I received an email from a dear woman who has a little boy with Trisomy 18 too...she just wanted to share with me a story of a friend who had lost her daughter in a drowning and that she so desperately wanted another child but it just wasn't happening...well after 2 years she got another daughter and in hind sight she was able to say that the Lord knew she wasn't ready for a new spirit. So the blessing of your birthday today was this email and the realization that I want to be ready for a new spirit so that is what I am going to begin to pray for.  I have been bitter and angry.  And a new spirit does not mean that I will not have bad days and miss you, it does not mean that I won't get mad or miss you but that I can allow a place a in my heart for the Lord to do some healing.  I love you, you will always be mommy's princess!  And I also am not going to put the pressure on myself EVER again to have the perfect party! Your brothers were charged with emotions, as were daddy and I.  All that emotion together made for a miserable experience when all we wanted to do was have fun and enjoy the day together, grateful we are a family including you! So your next birthday I think we will get out picture albums in our jammies and look and talk and eat cake and release our balloons...possibly make a craft for you and just take it easy! I didn't want to make-up today but I made myself thinking it was the right thing to do but now that the day is done...I could have gone without! I am so proud to be your mommy!  We went to diner and the boys all had on their bottle cap necklaces that have your picture on them and Tadum had to tell our waitress that it was our baby in Heaven birthday! and that her name is Sophee!  They are proud of you, proud to talk about you! They think of you all the time! There is no shame in them saying our baby sister is an angel and she made a difference in our life and we still acknowledge her as a part of our family! That Sophee is the beauty of our family! You always will be my daughter, Daddy's princess, and your brothers' pride and joy! I have so much more I want to write but it is really late and tomorrow is Thanksgiivng and Daddy's birthday so I close with a HUGE HAPPY BIRTHDAY and many many blessings~ to you and to Jesus!  P.S. Jesus thank you fro throwing Sophee the most beautiful party ever! I know you are the best Host, the Host of Host!  I love you Lord, I love you Sophee...Dad and Erik I love you too!

Also thank you Lord for the wonderful friends you have placed in my life that took time and used their hard earned money to make sure I had something for Sophee's birthday.  The gifts and the kind words were such a blessing! Thank you for choosing to bless me today with wonderful people and my husband, my kids and my angel who has left an imprint on so many hearts...all for the glory and furthering of your kingdom! Sophee has always been yours, thank you for letting me have her for that amazing 201 days!

you are my sunshine<3

Saturday, November 19, 2011

it was a long day...

I sat in church tonight listening to a sermon about coveting/jealousy and I can get with some of that and that sometimes God answers us no becasue of our motives...What was my motive in asking Him to heal Sophee? To prove He could work miracles, what is my motive in wanting another baby? A small piece back of what I lost!  Then the Pastor told us how John and Paul both shared that we could give it all to Him, that we can cast all our anxieties on Him...He can handle that...So I have told God today how much I hate Him, how mad I am and then apologized and started all over again...The good thing is I know He will forgive me, I know I am His but I hurt.  I hurt, I hurt that "friends" get angry at me for standing up for my feelings and that people have moved on with their lives and mine is moving on too and that hurts...That is the part that hurts! That Sophee isn't here with me but her birthday is still going to come, Christmas is still going to help bring in the new year!  It is inevitable! I hurt all together! I have moments of joy, I love my husband and boys but I also love and miss my Sophee...I know that right now I am sitting in the middle of a HUGE unknown but I know my God is the same today as He as yesterday and that I am going to be able to bring more tot he Lord's Kingdom becasue of all I have been through.  Give all your worries and cares to God, for he cares about you. 1 Peter 5:7

this is all I want for next week!

Keeping quite...

I haven't said anything about this to but less then a handful of people becasue I have not wanted to hear the ridiculous comments people have regarding it but I am at a place today where I am so heart broken and desire so much to have another child I am going to share.  I am so angry with God.  Jimmy and I knew before Sophee died that we wanted another baby.  Month after month nothing.  And still month after month nothing...I pray from the puit of my stomach that the Lord bless us with another daughter, one we can watch grow up, one He won't take from us.  I miss Sophee so freaking bad.  I have tried so hard to be joyful in all things including this horrible trial but I am tired of "just keep praying, and have hope and that the Lord knows the desires of your heart" I tell myself this everyday.  There are some affordable medications we stared trying last month and I can use them for a couple more months in hopes that the Lord will work something out but then our next move is back to the REI clinic which is so much money, money we don't have.  And they have these wonderful programs now that you can finance your fertility treatments but you have to have super great perfect credit. And that just isn't something we have.  It was ok until all the bills started piling up with all the circumstances that have occurred in our lives over the past few years.  Some days I wish the Lord would drop a fertility doctor into our lives who had a heart for us and would say "I would love to help you two accomplish your dreams" but that is just wishful thinking.  Then I have heard of people starting a blog about all of this and asking for small donations such as $5 because if everyone of my friends on facebook donated that amount I would so totally have enough money to take to the fertility doctor here and say "Help me heal please!!!" Or something as easy as someone understanding and co-signing but how do you ask for someone for something like that? don't!  I cry out to Jesus for these things but it all seems to be bouncing off the ceiling.  I just got done getting dressed so we can head out to church and I had to blog becasue I am not sure I can lift my hands in praise to Him today when all I want to do is drop to my knees.  I want to beg and barter none of which is right. But there is two things right now I want.  One of those things is my Sophee which just plain and simple isn't going to happen or two another baby.  Which seems to be proving pretty hopeless too!  I am just so down right angry...Why can God not hear me....are you there becasue I feel like somewhere shortly before this you quite listening!

this song is called "Father can you Hear me"

Friday, November 11, 2011

a fine line

change my heartI have a draft saved of what I really wanted to write tonight but I feel at a lose for words.  I want to express too many things in one blog and not sure today is the day to say all of.  Sophee I think it is strange the things that upset me lately. So I am actually going to copy and paste the draft from early now...the bible tells us that blood family is not always our family.  That sometimes it is our friends in Him that are our family and I have found that to be true many times.  There is an old saying "blood is thicker then water" but I can not attest to this.  I do not believe this.  I am grateful for the love , the support of so many who are in no way in my family circle.  It is in my mind like this...when I was younger I spent a lot of time with my aunts, uncles and cousins but as the years passed and families were separated and tragedy happened and we began our own families we saw and spoke to each other less and less... now the people who are in my life are people I have met in the past few years and they often no better then my family what is going on in my life.  I have still love and adore my cousins, aunts and uncles and this post is nothing to do with them but rather where do we draw the line when it comes to hurt, abuse and neglect?  The bible also reminds us of how powerful our words are, the power that lies in the tongue.  That we can start a great forest fire with our mouth!  A lot of time things are said that are so hurtful it is hard to ever allow a relationship to be what it was....forgiveness isn't always letting the person come back in and allowing them to treat you however they want but rather setting a boundary and keeping it, then praying blessings over the person who has harmed you.  Sometimes the Lord reconciles those relationships and sometimes He simply heals the brokenness from the hurt.  I can't say I am at a true place of forgiveness...I had a very close family member tell me back in February that Sophee deserved to die, that it was "Karma" and let me tell you Sophee's life had nothing to do with my past mistakes.  She was nothing less then a blessing! I choose to pray blessings over this person every day; and that the Lord would change my heart.  Kind of like a "fake it til you make it" But I am not going to let this person who also is in active addiction walk into my home and abuse me or my family in any way...yet so many are so quick to judge those boundaries.  I am just using all of this as an example to release my frustration with people and their can I go to church make friends but yet if you move churches those people are no longer your friends.  How can people say Sophee changed their life but then in the same breath tell me that I need to heal or that they don't like my hurt.  My hurt is a part of who I am and I know with all my heart that God will work my hurt into something good.  It already has, I can help a momma who lost her baby last week or watching her baby take her last breaths.  I have compassion for and understanding for people I never knew existed.  I have a bond now with my mom that I never had because we are both "mommy to an angel,"  I have so much hurt I want to step outside of myself and help others that are hurting, I appreciate things in life that most people will never even acknowledge as a miracle.  I also write all of this to help let out some of my anger with the people who haven't shown up since Sophee died.  Life went on for them, I am sure they think of her but have you called to tell me you are thinking of her?  it is strange after you loose a child, you need time alone yet you don't want to be alienated and I think so many fall short of showing up at all...I knew that right before and after your funeral I didn't want my house flooded with people because I knew they would all have to return to their lives and I would be left alone.  Well I kind f thought that I would get phone calls every now and then to say how are you, I was thinking of you or something but it rarely happens. But this has also left me a space to reconnect with God.  To begin to pray for a new ministry, where does He want me? I feel like I am all over the place and some of the things I just want to come out and say I shouldn't to avoid creating conflict but then I remembered I created this blog to be real, true to my feelings for you and other be raw and un-cut material!  So I am posting this days after I wrote it and left it saved as a draft on my computer.  Sophee God has brought me through many things addiction, fertility issues, the lose of my father and brother in a tragic accident, horrible abuse, my marriage being nothing close to sacred, your life and your death for a reason...I survived all of this and I can still praise His name! I want to begin working towards a ministry that reaches out to the hurt, the lost, the sick and the broken hearted and let them know that there is hope is the Lord!  I want to serve whole heartedly, I want to further His kingdom.  He is the only one who can work all things together for can good come from loosing my sweet and precious girl?  My heart is on fire for the Lord, to figure out how I can help lost souls meet Jesus and see His face and stand in the light of His glory!  I love you Sophee girl...Blessings~ to you and precious Jesus<3

Thursday, November 3, 2011

I haven't ____ in a while...

I haven't been on the blog in a while and I felt like tonight I could clear my mind if I sat here and wrote to you and had the conversation I would have had with you today, of course with no response just those big brown eyes looking up at me intently, watching every move my mouth made.  I muddled through Halloween.  It was fun, it is always exciting to see the boys so excited over small things like tootsie rolls and costumes, it is a blessing!  I enjoy watching the boys get to be kids, to experience life in the moment rather then like I do...always in the past, or panicking about the future.  I lived my life before I knew I was pregnant with you wishing for a girl, for a baby and my every thought was centered on and around this thought..."I WANT A GIRL GOD."  My prayers were for a girl that the boys could learn to be gentle with, to protect, to love and for Daddy to have a princess...that all of them would have a girl to learn compassion, gentleness, tenderness, protection...well let me say that all that praying got me exactly what I asked for.  You were a fragile, little, tiny baby girl that needed to be protected and fought for.  That needed to be treated with the utmost carefulness.  I felt as is God sent me a package that was clearly marked on the outside "CAREFUL CONTENTS ARE FRAGILE!!"  Then I found out I was pregnant with you and I spent the next several months preparing and panicking for what was to come when you were born.  Would you actually have this horrible genetic abnormality, would I love you, would you be healed, would you live????  All these questions lead me to be a wreck, an angry panicked, anxiety ridden mess...Then you came and I have to say I lived a lot of your short life in fear but after you came home from the newborn intensive care unit, I had a hope and a faith that I hadn't had before. A peace that was unexplainable, a trust that everything was going to be ok...Now I lived believing for healing until that Sunday morning when you woke me to inform me that you were heading home.  Now I have spent the past five months almost somewhere between the past and the future....what could have I done differently, did I make the right choices, how much I wish I could turn back time to the polar opposite of wondering will Daddy and I ever have another baby?  Will the Lord bless us with another girl?  Am I broken?  Will having another baby be helpful in the healing or cause more hurt? I stepped out of the bath tub tonight and glanced at a votive that has been sitting on the bath room sink for months now and it reads "Faith makes things possible"...Oh yeah!  How did I forget AGAIN, that God is in control!  He knows the inner most desires of my God is not a punishing God and how in the world can I pray for all things for others believing in my prayer, that the Lord is hearing us call on Him on these friends behalf but some how doesn't care about me and what I desire.  He provides my every need, He satisfies my soul...when I turn it over and allow Him to be in control and trust that the Lord makes no mistakes and loves His children dearly.   Living in the past and fearing the future has lead me to be bitter and I know what God has to say about bitterness and the warnings He heeds to those with a bitter heart, and here I find myself, not bitter with people, but biter with the cards I have been dealt.  And to stand in a place of surrender and how frightening that is but also the freedom in that!  Knowing that my God is bigger then all of this and He asks me...get that He asks me to share His yolk, that He will carry my burdens and lighten my load.  Now serving a God who is willing to serve is a blessing and I PRAISE HIM FOR THAT!  I think sometimes it is just a small visual reminder that we need.  And tonight all I needed was to remember that God is in control.  I don't have to worry about any of the things from the past, especially when it comes to you becasue I know God lead me in every decision I made for you.  And that I was never really in control in the first place.  He opened doors and hearts when they needed opening...even on Thanksgiving day; 3 days after you were born; when your lungs began to collapse and the doctors told me they wouldn't treat you...and that when they did you probably wouldn't live the intubation process and you did! He lead us to a lovely group of doctors and nurses who were willing to get vulnerable and and let you teach them, He lead us to a heart surgeon who had a special needs child of his own and without hesitation agreed to fix your heart! Sophee God was there, He was present and I let Him why now in a time of despair do I shove and push?  Why not let Him be that same God who comforted and protected us...He hasn't changed, I have, but He hasn't!  

Matthew 6:25-34

New International Version (NIV)
Do Not Worry
    25 “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? 26 Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27 Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life[a]?

   28 “And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. 29 Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 30 If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? 31 So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ 32 For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. 33 But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

God is in Control 
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