Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Be still... I had began pushing myself a few weeks ago (actually shortly before your auction) to get up and go...thinking that somehow this was the cure for the depression that others, who aren't in my life daily or even regularly, had implied I had.  I like to think that I have a heart that cares about how I treat others, so I began pushing...get up Summer and go, go, go!  Well let's just say that that has lead me into a downward spiral of health issues.  I have been feeling under the weather but feel like if I am not productive then I am "depressed"  To be honest Sophee I am so tired.  I have been for over a year now.  I didn't sleep at night before I had you.  I sat up late nights on the phone or computer gathering information on Trisomy and what the doctors would say and what we wanted!  I prayed and cried out to the Lord until the sun rose "please Lord, please Lord don't let this be true...heal her body, make her whole, let everyone who hears her name find her favor."  Then you came and that was another long run of sleepless nights either running back and forth from the ICU's or staying up all night caring for you becasue you had ICUitous...this is something all medical professionals will tell you is a real thing.  Children who spend long amounts of time in an ICU get their days and nights mixed up and don't sleep well and usually takes many months or even up to a year to recover and get on track. Then came the part I dread...trying to close my eyes and sleep without you here!  Oh Sophee, I never complained about the long sleepless nights because I knew that at some point I would get to sleep and that sleepless nights meant that you were here to hold and love on.  I never complained about the long stays in the ICU, knew they were par for the course but always knew that I would take you being in the hospital any day over the alternative!  Having your warm body was all that mattered....and now that we are almost a year to your birth, way past a year of prenatal diagnosis I am TIRED!  I know I am tired, I know I need some TLC but also know if I sleep all day every day then nothing gets done!  Having to run your brothers to and fro between baseball, school, PTA, field trips, holidays, friends and family there isn't much time for me.  And I am kind of feeling the after math of all the going!  These are the days I so desperately wish you were here...that way I could sit and rock you in the rocking chair all day doing nothing but holding you and of course your cares!  I would have lived a lifetime in that rocking chair with you...and I know you wanted to be in the rocking chair for a lifetime.  When I tried to sneak you down into the bassinet to catch a break, you always peeked out of one eye, then came the scream!  "Mom are you serious, I am in charge here, this is not where I want to be, I am the Princess so get back over here and rock me"  It was as if your cry translated perfectly into words! I have gone through the motions lately of smiling and saying we are getting through but it seems to come out at your daddy and the boys.  I don't want to hurt those that are closest to me because they are "safe"  I don't want to hurt anyone, I don't want to hurt.  But that's just a part of my heart.  People think having a baby after you loose one fixes everything too...well Em's momma is having twins in February and she misses Emalee just as much as she point here is that this pain isn't something that is meant to go away!  We aren't even supposed to learn to live with it, or even heal from...but rather draw close to God and let Him care for us when we can't care for ourselves.  Halloween is getting close and I want you to know how much Mathieu talks about you, he bought you a pumpkin the other day that I was going to decorate into an angel but he insisted on decorating it for you.  Tadum asked me today if I knew what your voice sounded like...I hadn't thought of that.  He wants to know what you sound like when you talk...I guess that is something we have to look forward to when we meet you in Heaven!  I don't know how you were so cute but you are so cute I can't stand it!  When I look at you I see nothing but perfection, I see the Lord's face shining on yours....I don't see Jesus' face on everyone but I see it on yours and I did every time I looked at you!  I am so grateful I got to know you, even if it was such a short time.  You are a very special girl that had a very special purpose.  I am still learning from you....and the events that surrounded your life and death!  I love is just that simple!  "Tonight I will lie down and sleep in peace, for you alone, O Lord, make me dwell in safety." Psalm 4:8  The Psalmist wrote this and the Lord ensured it was in His word, so I am going to begin to rest in peace.  That my fears and worries be cast down, that I give my heavy burden to the Lord, so that I may rest and heal.  The lord made us in such a mystical yet methodical way...our bodies are like magic how they recover at night when we sleep, how they rejuvenate and heal. This was one of my prayers for you every night in the hospital, that you would sleep well so that your body could do its magic.  Funny how I remember the exact words I prayed over you that I know the Lord heard yet haven't taken the time to pray them for myself!  Well Sophee girl tonight's that night!  And I know you will ask our Father in Heaven for that too... Blessings~

"As for you, be strong and do not give up, for your work will be rewarded" 2 Chronicles 15:7


JAMIE said...


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