Saturday, October 15, 2011

How careless... normally wouldn't have this conversation for more then 1 reason 1.I would never have this exact conversation with one of my kids at this age and 2. I know I run the risk of upsetting those who know what I am about to write about but this is what is on my heart so I am going to choose to share.  Last night late, after having been sick running a fever, not being able to breath, sleeping all day because I felt disorientated from being so ill we received a several frantic phone calls that someone in our family was hospitalized.  She was hospitalized becasue she runs with gangs and has a drug addiction and was shot!  I woke this morning to a mixed array of feelings.  Today is October 15.  A day that Presidnet Regan declared National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness and my heart is heavy.  I miss you Sophee so very much.  Today is a day that makes you reflect and my reflection has been emotional looking back and all the events that have lead to today.  Mommy has lost many babies, even been through more then 1 cycles of IVF to try to have you.  Between Tadum and Mathieu we lost many babies and then after Mathieu one more...all of this leading to the IVF cycles and the deep hurt and pain of wanting another baby; of wanting you!  Then the exciting news that you were being formed in my womb and a heart beat past 12 weeks...then the sudden shocking news that you would never live an entire life that you had Trisomy 18.  The fight that daddy and I had to put up to keep you alive even before you were born, the struggles that came from trying to make doctors, family and friends and total strangers understand that you were worth fighting for.  I have never regretted a day of the hardship, been bitter about having to advocate for you...I would have done it forever had the Lord allowed me!  Then last nights event took place and this girl has many children and was so careless with her life.  The anger that this creates deep down.  Here we are with broken hearts from missing holding you so bad and then a momma to 4 kids is so selfish she can't even consider all the consequences for her actions.  That it isn't only her life that her "choices" effect.  Cause and Effect is something that was taught to me early in life on simple worksheets in grade school.  I have to be the first to admit that I have not been perfect and I am still not but I have a conscious, I have a certain value for life.  Maybe the experience of you and your death have lead me to this place, but I still can not imagine a mother calling herself "good" could put herself in such harms way and that she could feel entitled and not realize the blessings that the Lord ha given to her or how the Lord protected her last night, or how eternally grateful she should be that her children were not in the car.  I posted a quote early on facebook about the sun rising and setting and what a blessing this is and how so many of us forget to give our Creator praise for seeing another.  How true this is.  There is part to being a victim of random acts of violence but then there is another when you choose a lifestyle that is full of risk and insanity.  When I became a mother, new things that had never mattered suddenly mattered.  But Sophee when I had you and then lost you, in what felt like all one breath, I had an even deeper understanding and appreciation for life.  A child to be knitted so intricately in a mothers womb, that is nothing less then a miracle. They do not call child birth labor for no reason but becasue of the risk and hard work a mother and child has to go when we are blessed with a healthy pregnancy, a then a healthy child(ren) then we should wake every morning singing songs of praise for another...even we don't!  I have mentioned before how easy it is to sing praises of joy when things are "right" but can you still praise the Lord when things are "wrong"?  My prayer for today for this person who I feel was so completely careless is that the blinders are removed from her eyes and for myself that I can find a place of forgiveness.  What I wouldn't give to have you in my arms today.  Now therefore, our God, we thank You, and praise Your glorious name ... 1 Chron 29:13


JAMIE said...

I often question how some people are blessed with the gift of life. My sister n Law had some one that lived by her and had 5 kids, and they ended up busting the house as a meth house and kids were takin away, yet she was soon pregnant again... ????!!!! And the ones whom cherish the gift of life go through such things as loss of child, etc... I Love you sweets...

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