Saturday, October 8, 2011

I'm Sick

So I had thought for almost a week I was just experiencing allergies but I woke this morning and I am actually sick.  Sick to the point nothing taste good, my throat is killing me.  It is almost as if I chose to slow life down a smidge, not force myself to every single &:00 a.m. baseball game, not volunteer for every classroom duty, not offer to purchase every classroom need, not extend my help when I really didn't have it in me to help, not stretch my self to R.S.V.P. to every birthday invitation that comes home in backpack mail.  I know that these things are important to do and life not stop completely but when you offer to do all of this plus some you find yourself winded and out of breath.  I also think there is another side to this, so I chose to slow down plus my life (not by choice) slow down. And now life has hit me like a box of rocks and I am sick.  The past year I was so busy caring for someone else I didn't have  a choice to get sick so I was very careful about being around others, going into public, and my children had a sanitary routine when they came home from school...they came in stripped their clothes and went straight to the bath tub before they could enter the front part of the house to ensure we were doing a good disease control.  Plus hand sanitizer every time you touched, well anything! I made sure everyone had the multi-vitamins and over cautious about my child entering my room. And outsiders coming into my home...well all the sudden it's cold weather and I go to the grocery store (something I did not do when Sophee was here unless I had outerwear on and a mask.) And i showered the moment I got done putting the groceries away, wiped down all the groceries with clorox wipes.  If you could have thought it, I did it, to keep that baby healthy. And it kept us healthy.  But now I don't wipe my groceries down, I do wash my hands first thing when I come in from public, but my kids don't change anymore and it seems that all this is going to have to go a few rounds with my immune system before I feel better and have some tolerance.  You know I miss this, I knew I was doing something that was safe for Sophee and my boys! I guess that's where I am trying to go with this today...everything changed.  The more I think about it, the more I realize since Sophee died nothing has stayed the same.   I am not sure things will ever be the way they were before I had her or before I lost her. See there is several very distinct time periods of life here...Sophee's pregnancy was one, Sophee's birth and time here another, then Sophee's last hospitalization another, and still another since Sophee's death.  I don't want to stay exactly as I am, I never have.  I have the desire for the Lord to mold me and shape me but sometimes I wish that meant not such harsh realities or life lessons.  Anyhow, the best for today is what it is.  I have baseball games to go to, a house to straighten up, and not feeling good (my goal will be not to hurt my family with my mouth today)  I hate being sick, I am sure everyone does!  But I really hate being sick this time because it is just one more piece proving to me how much I miss having Sophee to take care of.

So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison,  as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal.  2 Corinthians 4:16-18  


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