Today

I also wanted to write this sweet but bitter moment down...today I was sitting on the back porch having a cigerette in the cool fall air when Mathieu (my youngest son) approaches me with a dandelion. He told me to blow. Now I am sure many of you remeber from your childhood if you blew a dandelion then you got a wish...today I didn;t get to pick my wish I was told what my wish was supposed to be..."Mommy Blow, and wish you were a princess" So after the first failed attempt at blowing all the seed pods from the dandelion, I made sure to force them along with another breath following "Mommy did you wish you were a Princess?" I responded as any good mother would..."well yes I wished I was a princess," brushing back my hair as a gesture of royalty.  Mathieu then looks at me, you could see the sadness and thought in his eyes..."Mommy I wished Sophee could be a princess, I wish she could be a princess for Halloween"says Mathieu. My response was quick, so that I didn't break down into a tantrum before I could answer him, not that he had asked a question..."I do to baby, I do to."  He sat crouched on the pedal car in front of me, lookign at me very intently and matter of fact and started to cry..."I wanted Sophee to be a princess for Halooween but she went with God, that makes me sad mommy, she could have gotten lots of candy!" Mathieu spoke all of this with tears in his eyes and it took every ounce of self control I had not to break down too! I pondered for a moment...well yes this was sad, and yes I wanted her to be a princess too..."Maty, guess what?" "What Mom?" I looked at him a little soft and said" You know Maty I bet Jesus gives Sophee the best chocolate in the whole world..."  Maty turned on his pedal car, wiped his nose on his sleeve and was content with that...There were several things I realized at that moment. 1~Sophee was not just going to be missed by me at holidays 2~ my children are grieving. I know this statement may be a "like duh" statement but I really hadn't let that sink in becasue that means more then just my children are grieving, that also menas my boys hurt and a mother hurts for her child that hurts, that my boys needed their sister and there was nothing I could do but pray and offer them love. and 3~ they had hopes and dreams for Sophee too, that died when she did! I hadn't realized they had the same dreams played out in their heads...Mathieu had clearly imagined exactly what costume he thought was a perfect fit for her,,,just as I did her bows, her clothes, her first words...and that Sophee's brothers, my boys had their dreams and hopes crushed when Sophee passed. That was a blow to a mommy who wants nothing more then to protect her children from all harm whether physical, mental or spiritual! I miss her and so does Mathieu, Tadum and Anthony! She is their sister and they still treat her memory with loving tenderness just as they did her!