It's cold outside....

The weather has changed quickly...we went to a wedding last weekend and it was beautiful out. The weather was just right, not too hot...not too cold. I found myself as the bride danced with her father, her brother, and the groom danced with his mother thinking back and forward.  I thought back to my wedding day and that I didn't have my brother to stand up for me in the wedding party, and that my dad wasn't there to walk me down the isle and the pain that brought that day and this particular Saturday. I was also reminded of the pain my mother must have felt that day, having to act as two people, as my mother and playing  the role a father is supposed to play in a daughter's life and give her away to her groom. I also thought of the pain she must have felt that day knowing she would never see my brother (Erik) get married or have children. The legacy lost in a heart beat.  Then I was brought forward to me and your daddy's life at that very moment....we would never see you married, never see your beautiful smile in the beautiful white dress! Nor would we see your first tooth, your first steps, your first day of school....all of this leading up to today. The weather is changing you can feel the fall in the air and I am reminded of the great amount of anxiety I felt leading up to your birth.  What would happen, would you cry, would we get a moments time with you...then you were here and all the exciting things I prepared for your life. The first Halloween costume...oh how I couldn't wait to dress you up as a little lady bug! And the cold outside reminds me of Thanksgiving and Christmas approaching soon.  But its going to be your birthday before you know it! Your first birthday! Oh how exciting...when you were home from the hospital mommy had to stay in the room with you so I watched a lot of t.v. Things like cupcake wars and on a particular episode I had seen the perfect birthday cake! How big a celebration it was to be, what a miracle you were and what joy I felt planning these things! I would like to write here that I still have that same excitement about planning your first birthday, becasue why wouldn't we still celebrate you but it doesn't seem to be feeling that way! Anyhow, that can be figured out as we get closer...
   I have a bit of an after thought here...I was thrown off by the comment someone (not a close friend) had sent to me privately through facebook a week or so ago and in that message she stated how I had gone into my own little world and that she hoped I had began my healing process soon...well all of this is a part of my healing process...including the pain.  It is not like I have had years to process this but even more I am about to embark all your first! Your first birthday that will also be your first birthday in heaven, your first Halloween, your first thanksgiving, daddy's birthday and I am afraid. I know my feelings will not kill me but sometimes it sure does feel like it! So with all this being said, I began to try and change my feelings and it has left me a bit depressed.  I can not change how I feel; I can however still find joy in the Lord! and I can say this was not her place to say to me becasue I will never heal completely I will always have a scared heart from your life and death! You will always be my baby, my girl! You are a delight to think of but if I think about it too much my heart sobs....It is an unexplainable thing that your heart can cry but it does...there is a medical condition called broken heart syndrome.  Which is exactly as it sounds, someone has suffered a trauma so great they begin to have symptoms of a heart attack.  I really love you Sophee and I miss you so very much!

"2 Timothy 1:7
For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline