I couldn't wait any longer...

I have been going crazy to write to you, Sophee.  It has been a super busy week; and the week to come is just as busy.  It seem that every year it is the same thing but especially noticing it this year!  Usually the end of the summer begins to drag, then school starts and days get so long!  Then all the sudden we approach October and time just begins to fly.  I am sure t has something to do with the days getting shorter in the fall but man I sometimes think to myself "where did the week go"  This week being sick plus the end of Tady and Ant's baseball season has made it especially hectic.  Plus trying to get things done for the Fall parties, the homeroom mom stuff, PTA, 2 field trips in less then 10 days, 2 end of season baseball parties...then net week snack days, super star week, fall parties, Halloween parties and the Halloween Day/Night!  All of this occurring while I have not been 100% for 3 weeks now.  I really do feel slightly better this week but then my emotional status seems to hang in one side of the balance beam or another...never any middle ground!  Tomorrow is your 11 month birthday and 18 weeks since you left my arms.  It is almost as if some days I know I am going to make it through the day and there is joy and hope in knowing that the day will end and the sun will rise, but then some days that is just as much dreaded as it is hope.  Tomorrow hasn't come yet so the Lord only knows how much I need Him to offer me mercy, peace and grace! But today for some reason was an especially difficult day.  I woke in a frantic mood, loosing my temper and letting every one of your boys have it!  Which only ever adds to the stress of any day...(mental note to self!) I am not sure that anyone can understand this but I am sure that those who have suffered traumatic loss can...my body has this new instinct that the 12th, 23rd or Sunday is approaching.  Since I stay at home, I usually just know the date by the day of the week...I only ever know its Monday, Tuesday or Wednesday...rarely that it is Saturday October 22, 2011...but since you died I instinctively know that one of these dates is approaching.  And it was almost as if my heart knew that 2 significant dates were in store for me this weekend! I really don't want my Sunday's (actually it is my entire weekend) to feel cursed or downcast!  I want to rejoice and enjoy the days off with the boys snuggled into a movie or cartoons or a board game.  I have committed to staying off my phone and facebook as much.  I really have not been on at all except 5 minutes in the waiting room or a few minutes after the boys are put to bed, but it seems that the computer and facebook begin to take all my time and daddy's...then pretty soon I start feeling the boys are missing out on attention they so totally deserve.  I can't stay healthy putting them to bed then staying up on facebook all night and I surely can not accomplish what the Lord has set forth for me for that day being on facebook for HOURS, and I mean HOURS! a day!!!  I know that the Lord has used facebook for me to minister for Him but I also have a family and responsibilities that I have to care for! and accomplish...it was easy to be on facebook while I sat and rocked you but I found myself sitting at Train's baseball game on my phone, on facebook!  Ummm...Hello...Earth to Mom you will never get back this fall season of baseball of your 9 year old son...it was as if the Lord smacked me upside the head to tell me that!  or how about "Tadum's last year of tee ball will most likely be this season and you care more about an image someone has downloaded off some website then you do about watching him transform into a boy rather than a baby??? "  Those kind of convictions are not easy nor are they ones I wish to tread lightly!  I have spent a good amount of time grieving all the things I will never get to do with you, all the while I am getting to do them with the boys and being totally ungrateful for it!  I also love daddy very much and loosing you has not been easy on us at all and some TLC is so needed for our marriage, for us period!  We disconnected from each other and every one else as a coping mechanism  and if you are not careful, it can get ugly right quick.  I love my boys, I love you!  I was looking at the computer tonight as the screen saver mode played through all the pictures downloaded on to the computer and I watched quietly your pictures play through and I thought to myself...maybe I only saw what I wanted to see...and that for the first time I was able to Thank God for making you whole even though I miss you more then my words could ever express.... I walk into the house after a long day, go to the bedroom to put up my heels from the day and put my night gown on and turn to my dresser and your pictures stare at me.  Your eyes meet mine and all I can do is cry!  You had a sparkle in your eyes like they used to describe Ole Saint Nick in story books at Christmas, something like I had never seen before.  You brought new and different meaning to my life.  All my kids are special, and unique but there is something different about you, your entire being, the experiences we had with you including that of truly feeling we held an angel.. That the Lord specifically choose one special and sick little girl to change the lives of many.  I can't help but think to myself when I think about this "Lord how and why", but not in a bad way...in a way that really makes my heart think.  How does such a mighty God who can work thru bushes burning choose my daughter with a diagnosis considered fatal, that the doctors insisted your life wasn't of value and then you change more hearts then a man who lived 85plus years ever did? When I looked at you when I held you I knew the Lord had shown particular favor on you but it hasn't been until recently I really realize how "on loan: you were and almost as if I should have known...that I should have known you were going to accomplish your lifetime's work in months.  You were blessed, you were hand picked by God, Jesus Messiah, Emmanuel...you were FAVORED!  I love you so much...your beauty astounding and missed so very much...Love mommy~ Blessings

my playlist for the night

I wanted to add a little extra song tonight...  please Lord..