just blank...

It has been strange the last few days, I have felt blank, empty, not much to feel or think.  I am interrupting my thought for my blog tonight because as I was on here beginning to type when I got a chat message on Facebook from another momma who is holding her daughter fearful that every breath is the last.  I can remember those first few days and weeks, then the hope that came after that that you were just going to be one of the few who lived...what a scary feeling that is and how glad I am I had a certain couple of friends who never told me to live like Sophee was dying but to live as if she was going to live!  They encouraged me Sophee girl...they told me to have hope, to run the race with endurance and I can say I did.  You have always been worth every fight, every heart ache, every moment of joy and peace and every blessing~ Every blessing that is good and perfect comes from above...that is you!  I have had a few days where I wasn't tearing my hair out, and able to control my emotions for the most part and it has been strange.   i should just count it a blessing and tell the Lord Thank you but I am scared something is wrong with me.  I know that I am having some other physical  issues that are making things different and I really want to quit labeling everything good or bad and just call it for what it was.  I wanted to blog about my week but after receiving that message from that mommy everything seems so frivolous..when an innocent life is between this world and the Lord's presence everything is intensified.  You know you need to create a lifetime of memories in anything but a lifetime!  I remember when you were first born I prayed that the Lord would bless me with enough time for you to wear all your preemie outfits!  He answered that pray plus a smidge more time! You got to wear all the extra outfits you were bought...but only in the preemie size!  And since you were irresistible you got I think every outfit the sold in Albuquerque in preemie size!  We even had people give us their coming home outfits for you to wear, that is how special you were! I still just adore the thought o your sweet face.  I don't want to be numb but also know that I am committed to this ride no matter where it takes me!  That grief does not discriminate and my Lord is the same today as He was yesterday! and Forever!  I am glad that the morning you woke me to tell me you where heading home was as clear cut as it was.  That I didn't have to watch you in horror becasue you were struggling that you were ready and made that clear.  That I was able to make the day what I thought we needed...what was best for Daddy, Mommy, your brothers, Tata, Francy...that I knew beyond a shadow of the doubt you and the Lord had spoken clearly to my heart. I am so grateful I got from December to May just enjoying the days with you...I got to bring you home without the fear of you not being "here" in the morning when I woke!  The Lord blessed me in many many ways....and all I can think about tonight is the beauty you radiated...I love you.  Blessings to you and Jesus!  The picture I picked tonight becasue this night was a night I had no fear! it was the month you turned 3 months old and we celebrated your life!  We had candles and cupcakes and it was good....You are good...

I couldn't wait any longer...

I have been going crazy to write to you, Sophee.  It has been a super busy week; and the week to come is just as busy.  It seem that every year it is the same thing but especially noticing it this year!  Usually the end of the summer begins to drag, then school starts and days get so long!  Then all the sudden we approach October and time just begins to fly.  I am sure t has something to do with the days getting shorter in the fall but man I sometimes think to myself "where did the week go"  This week being sick plus the end of Tady and Ant's baseball season has made it especially hectic.  Plus trying to get things done for the Fall parties, the homeroom mom stuff, PTA, 2 field trips in less then 10 days, 2 end of season baseball parties...then net week snack days, super star week, fall parties, Halloween parties and the Halloween Day/Night!  All of this occurring while I have not been 100% for 3 weeks now.  I really do feel slightly better this week but then my emotional status seems to hang in one side of the balance beam or another...never any middle ground!  Tomorrow is your 11 month birthday and 18 weeks since you left my arms.  It is almost as if some days I know I am going to make it through the day and there is joy and hope in knowing that the day will end and the sun will rise, but then some days that is just as much dreaded as it is hope.  Tomorrow hasn't come yet so the Lord only knows how much I need Him to offer me mercy, peace and grace! But today for some reason was an especially difficult day.  I woke in a frantic mood, loosing my temper and letting every one of your boys have it!  Which only ever adds to the stress of any day...(mental note to self!) I am not sure that anyone can understand this but I am sure that those who have suffered traumatic loss can...my body has this new instinct that the 12th, 23rd or Sunday is approaching.  Since I stay at home, I usually just know the date by the day of the week...I only ever know its Monday, Tuesday or Wednesday...rarely that it is Saturday October 22, 2011...but since you died I instinctively know that one of these dates is approaching.  And it was almost as if my heart knew that 2 significant dates were in store for me this weekend! I really don't want my Sunday's (actually it is my entire weekend) to feel cursed or downcast!  I want to rejoice and enjoy the days off with the boys snuggled into a movie or cartoons or a board game.  I have committed to staying off my phone and facebook as much.  I really have not been on at all except 5 minutes in the waiting room or a few minutes after the boys are put to bed, but it seems that the computer and facebook begin to take all my time and daddy's...then pretty soon I start feeling the boys are missing out on attention they so totally deserve.  I can't stay healthy putting them to bed then staying up on facebook all night and I surely can not accomplish what the Lord has set forth for me for that day being on facebook for HOURS, and I mean HOURS! a day!!!  I know that the Lord has used facebook for me to minister for Him but I also have a family and responsibilities that I have to care for! and accomplish...it was easy to be on facebook while I sat and rocked you but I found myself sitting at Train's baseball game on my phone, on facebook!  Ummm...Hello...Earth to Mom you will never get back this fall season of baseball of your 9 year old son...it was as if the Lord smacked me upside the head to tell me that!  or how about "Tadum's last year of tee ball will most likely be this season and you care more about an image someone has downloaded off some website then you do about watching him transform into a boy rather than a baby??? "  Those kind of convictions are not easy nor are they ones I wish to tread lightly!  I have spent a good amount of time grieving all the things I will never get to do with you, all the while I am getting to do them with the boys and being totally ungrateful for it!  I also love daddy very much and loosing you has not been easy on us at all and some TLC is so needed for our marriage, for us period!  We disconnected from each other and every one else as a coping mechanism  and if you are not careful, it can get ugly right quick.  I love my boys, I love you!  I was looking at the computer tonight as the screen saver mode played through all the pictures downloaded on to the computer and I watched quietly your pictures play through and I thought to myself...maybe I only saw what I wanted to see...and that for the first time I was able to Thank God for making you whole even though I miss you more then my words could ever express.... I walk into the house after a long day, go to the bedroom to put up my heels from the day and put my night gown on and turn to my dresser and your pictures stare at me.  Your eyes meet mine and all I can do is cry!  You had a sparkle in your eyes like they used to describe Ole Saint Nick in story books at Christmas, something like I had never seen before.  You brought new and different meaning to my life.  All my kids are special, and unique but there is something different about you, your entire being, the experiences we had with you including that of truly feeling we held an angel.. That the Lord specifically choose one special and sick little girl to change the lives of many.  I can't help but think to myself when I think about this "Lord how and why", but not in a bad way...in a way that really makes my heart think.  How does such a mighty God who can work thru bushes burning choose my daughter with a diagnosis considered fatal, that the doctors insisted your life wasn't of value and then you change more hearts then a man who lived 85plus years ever did? When I looked at you when I held you I knew the Lord had shown particular favor on you but it hasn't been until recently I really realize how "on loan: you were and almost as if I should have known...that I should have known you were going to accomplish your lifetime's work in months.  You were blessed, you were hand picked by God, Jesus Messiah, Emmanuel...you were FAVORED!  I love you so much...your beauty astounding and missed so very much...Love mommy~ Blessings

my playlist for the night

I wanted to add a little extra song tonight...  please Lord..

Be still...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FKWGSzxtcZASo I had began pushing myself a few weeks ago (actually shortly before your auction) to get up and go...thinking that somehow this was the cure for the depression that others, who aren't in my life daily or even regularly, had implied I had.  I like to think that I have a heart that cares about how I treat others, so I began pushing...get up Summer and go, go, go!  Well let's just say that that has lead me into a downward spiral of health issues.  I have been feeling under the weather but feel like if I am not productive then I am "depressed"  To be honest Sophee I am so tired.  I have been for over a year now.  I didn't sleep at night before I had you.  I sat up late nights on the phone or computer gathering information on Trisomy and what the doctors would say and what we wanted!  I prayed and cried out to the Lord until the sun rose "please Lord, please Lord don't let this be true...heal her body, make her whole, let everyone who hears her name find her favor."  Then you came and that was another long run of sleepless nights either running back and forth from the ICU's or staying up all night caring for you becasue you had ICUitous...this is something all medical professionals will tell you is a real thing.  Children who spend long amounts of time in an ICU get their days and nights mixed up and don't sleep well and usually takes many months or even up to a year to recover and get on track. Then came the part I dread...trying to close my eyes and sleep without you here!  Oh Sophee, I never complained about the long sleepless nights because I knew that at some point I would get to sleep and that sleepless nights meant that you were here to hold and love on.  I never complained about the long stays in the ICU, knew they were par for the course but always knew that I would take you being in the hospital any day over the alternative!  Having your warm body was all that mattered....and now that we are almost a year to your birth, way past a year of prenatal diagnosis I am TIRED!  I know I am tired, I know I need some TLC but also know if I sleep all day every day then nothing gets done!  Having to run your brothers to and fro between baseball, school, PTA, field trips, holidays, friends and family there isn't much time for me.  And I am kind of feeling the after math of all the going!  These are the days I so desperately wish you were here...that way I could sit and rock you in the rocking chair all day doing nothing but holding you and of course your cares!  I would have lived a lifetime in that rocking chair with you...and I know you wanted to be in the rocking chair for a lifetime.  When I tried to sneak you down into the bassinet to catch a break, you always peeked out of one eye, then came the scream!  "Mom are you serious, I am in charge here, this is not where I want to be, I am the Princess so get back over here and rock me"  It was as if your cry translated perfectly into words! I have gone through the motions lately of smiling and saying we are getting through but it seems to come out at your daddy and the boys.  I don't want to hurt those that are closest to me because they are "safe"  I don't want to hurt anyone, I don't want to hurt.  But that's just a part of my heart.  People think having a baby after you loose one fixes everything too...well Em's momma is having twins in February and she misses Emalee just as much as she did...my point here is that this pain isn't something that is meant to go away!  We aren't even supposed to learn to live with it, or even heal from...but rather draw close to God and let Him care for us when we can't care for ourselves.  Halloween is getting close and I want you to know how much Mathieu talks about you, he bought you a pumpkin the other day that I was going to decorate into an angel but he insisted on decorating it for you.  Tadum asked me today if I knew what your voice sounded like...I hadn't thought of that.  He wants to know what you sound like when you talk...I guess that is something we have to look forward to when we meet you in Heaven!  I don't know how you were so cute but you were...you are so cute I can't stand it!  When I look at you I see nothing but perfection, I see the Lord's face shining on yours....I don't see Jesus' face on everyone but I see it on yours and I did every time I looked at you!  I am so grateful I got to know you, even if it was such a short time.  You are a very special girl that had a very special purpose.  I am still learning from you....and the events that surrounded your life and death!  I love you...it is just that simple!  "Tonight I will lie down and sleep in peace, for you alone, O Lord, make me dwell in safety." Psalm 4:8  The Psalmist wrote this and the Lord ensured it was in His word, so I am going to begin to rest in peace.  That my fears and worries be cast down, that I give my heavy burden to the Lord, so that I may rest and heal.  The lord made us in such a mystical yet methodical way...our bodies are like magic how they recover at night when we sleep, how they rejuvenate and heal. This was one of my prayers for you every night in the hospital, that you would sleep well so that your body could do its magic.  Funny how I remember the exact words I prayed over you that I know the Lord heard yet haven't taken the time to pray them for myself!  Well Sophee girl tonight's that night!  And I know you will ask our Father in Heaven for that too... Blessings~


"As for you, be strong and do not give up, for your work will be rewarded" 2 Chronicles 15:7

Tomorrow

Let me start by telling you that tomorrow is Tata's birthday.  (Tata is my mom for my blog readers, her name is Tammy) I can't tell you how old she will be because she might whack me upside the head but just for thought...she had me when she was 20 and I am 31 going on 32.  I am excited for tomorrow, Maty has a field trip to the pumpkin patch in the afternoon and then we get to go and gather at Tata's house with Riley, Jackson, Ronnie, Mimi and Papa....and celebrate a woman deserving of celebration!  For my bloggers let me share a small part of my story with you.  My father Richard and brother Erik died in a plane crash 8 years ago, it will actually be 9 years ago this March.  Riley and Jackson are my soon to be 7 year old brother and sister (twins) with her husband, my step-father Ronnie. So Tata is a mom to an angel herself.  She feared me carrying you to term after we got your diagnosis. Because of all the horrible stories the doctors had told us and tried to convenience us of and the terrifying pictures in the text books they shared, Tata was scared of the pain I might have to endure if we lost you.  She also went through a period of promising herself and verbally informing everyone else (including me) that she wasn't going to get close to you because she couldn't bear anymore pain.  First let me tell you that that statement of hers caused many fights and debates.  Many of the debates being about what was worse...loosing her son (my brother) Erik at the age of 19 or loosing a baby...I am not sure you can define or categorize the loss of a child better or worse according to these things.  There are things that are different but yet the pain is very similar because you as a parent are not supposed to plan your child's funeral.  It is not natural and if your job as a parent is to love and protect your children and bring them up fearing the Lord...then what have we done becasue it wasn't our job as a parent.  At least it feels that way. Tata was there though from the beginning, at ultrasounds, at your c-section and let me tell you, that after a few trips to the Newborn Intensive Care Unit and rocking your sweet, little self did she begin to sing you..."You are my Sunshine" and quickly became your biggest fan.  She loved you so much.  She would come to the house to hold you so I could sleep, or so daddy and I could get out of the house for a massage...each time leaving more and more in love.  She showered you with the most beautiful gifts...blankets, clothes, and bows...she was with us during your last day here on Earth.  She gave you your last bath and she helped dress you for your final resting place. Those were not easy tasks to do, but she was there for you and for me...and that means so much!  So many were not there after you left us that those who still were truly may the Lord bless them for it, for it has not been an easy time.  Sophee,  I know Tata misses you so much.  I know both of us often think how unfair that the Lord would take Dad, Erik and you!  Almost seems cruel that one family should have to endure so many horrific losses in one short lifetime! But you have to dig real deep sometimes and remember ...that the Lord didn't do this to us but wants to helps us through it and that He has some perfect plan that we can't wrap our minds around to even begin to understand how He is going to work all of this tragedy for good! I guess that is why my wish for Tata tomorrow is many blessings~ blessings of peace, joy, hope, love, divine understanding, comfort....she deserves them.  She deserves them even though none of us are truly worthy of the Lord's love.  But that is where His mercies and grace play in...He gives them in spite of us being undeserving!  And since the Lord is so gracious I ask Him to pour His love out on her and that His light would illuminate her, that she would shine with His light so bright that people notice the beauty and appreciate it for what she is...and He has conformed her to His image.  I love my mom dearly, and its days like birthdays when you are supposed to have something grandiose to write down inside a card and fit it into a 2x2" space.  Well my heart feels this and so much more so sometimes it is easier to sign.."Happy Birthday. May the Lord bless you this year, may you grow closer in intimacy with Him and may you encounter Him in a whole new way...Blessings~ I love you...Love, Jimmy Summer, the boys and Sophee"  When I really want to tell her every day how wonderful she is, how strong she is, how much she means to me, how much I love and adore Riley and Jackson, how much I love and respect Ronnie.... 

Then here is the last part, the part that sucks!  Tomorrow my mom shouldn't have to miss Erik, she shouldn't have to miss my dad and she shouldn't have to miss you!  We should be surrounding her but the family is broken...so we all stretch ourselves out to make us fit around her but also to help fill in the gaps of where someone very important is missing!  We want you here, as selfish as that is I want you here.  I want to buy the perfect tee that says "my tata rocks" with the greatest fluffiest tutu ever with just the right over sized bow..walk in and hand her to you and see her face light up with pride...that Sophee's Tata rocks!  But not tomorrow, not until we celebrate in the presence of Him...Jesus Messiah Emanuel....Happy Birthday Tata.....

here is the song that the Lord played through my heart the whole time I typed tonight...I really hope all of you are listening to the music I post with each post.  The Lord is directing His play list! Blessings~
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oAssOfn5cAI

"From everlasting to everlasting the Lord's love is with those who fear Him, and His rightousness with their children's children" psalm 103:17

How careless...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cUjUvoynGMMI normally wouldn't have this conversation for more then 1 reason 1.I would never have this exact conversation with one of my kids at this age and 2. I know I run the risk of upsetting those who know what I am about to write about but this is what is on my heart so I am going to choose to share.  Last night late, after having been sick running a fever, not being able to breath, sleeping all day because I felt disorientated from being so ill we received a several frantic phone calls that someone in our family was hospitalized.  She was hospitalized becasue she runs with gangs and has a drug addiction and was shot!  I woke this morning to a mixed array of feelings.  Today is October 15.  A day that Presidnet Regan declared National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness and my heart is heavy.  I miss you Sophee so very much.  Today is a day that makes you reflect and my reflection has been emotional looking back and all the events that have lead to today.  Mommy has lost many babies, even been through more then 1 cycles of IVF to try to have you.  Between Tadum and Mathieu we lost many babies and then after Mathieu one more...all of this leading to the IVF cycles and the deep hurt and pain of wanting another baby; of wanting you!  Then the exciting news that you were being formed in my womb and a heart beat past 12 weeks...then the sudden shocking news that you would never live an entire life that you had Trisomy 18.  The fight that daddy and I had to put up to keep you alive even before you were born, the struggles that came from trying to make doctors, family and friends and total strangers understand that you were worth fighting for.  I have never regretted a day of the hardship, been bitter about having to advocate for you...I would have done it forever had the Lord allowed me!  Then last nights event took place and this girl has many children and was so careless with her life.  The anger that this creates deep down.  Here we are with broken hearts from missing holding you so bad and then a momma to 4 kids is so selfish she can't even consider all the consequences for her actions.  That it isn't only her life that her "choices" effect.  Cause and Effect is something that was taught to me early in life on simple worksheets in grade school.  I have to be the first to admit that I have not been perfect and I am still not but I have a conscious, I have a certain value for life.  Maybe the experience of you and your death have lead me to this place, but I still can not imagine a mother calling herself "good" could put herself in such harms way and that she could feel entitled and not realize the blessings that the Lord ha given to her or how the Lord protected her last night, or how eternally grateful she should be that her children were not in the car.  I posted a quote early on facebook about the sun rising and setting and what a blessing this is and how so many of us forget to give our Creator praise for seeing another.  How true this is.  There is part to being a victim of random acts of violence but then there is another when you choose a lifestyle that is full of risk and insanity.  When I became a mother, new things that had never mattered suddenly mattered.  But Sophee when I had you and then lost you, in what felt like all one breath, I had an even deeper understanding and appreciation for life.  A child to be knitted so intricately in a mothers womb, that is nothing less then a miracle. They do not call child birth labor for no reason but becasue of the risk and hard work a mother and child has to go through..so when we are blessed with a healthy pregnancy, a then a healthy child(ren) then we should wake every morning singing songs of praise for another...even we don't!  I have mentioned before how easy it is to sing praises of joy when things are "right" but can you still praise the Lord when things are "wrong"?  My prayer for today for this person who I feel was so completely careless is that the blinders are removed from her eyes and for myself that I can find a place of forgiveness.  What I wouldn't give to have you in my arms today.  Now therefore, our God, we thank You, and praise Your glorious name ... 1 Chron 29:13

just a quick p.s.

I just have to add a p.s. Sophee was so tiny here, she grew so much, she did things even the medical community swore she would never do! And even though she was still an itty bitty when she passed but she still made great strides and the Lord truly grew her in stature!

I am still breathing...

My Littlest Princess, It is Thursday evening.  Yesterday it had been 4 months since the Lord took you from my arms and embraced you in His.  I had so much anxiety leading up to yesterday, that I wasn't able to sleep Tuesday night, no matter what the line of defense was.  It is almost as if my being creates this mass hysteria and then the day comes and then it is over.  The sun rose and the sun set just as it always does.  I have to admit though that I can become quit on edge and the victims of the anger are most always your daddy and your brothers.  I find myself saying things to my children I would not say to most adults.  I have no patience with your dad, which usually leads to bickering and arguments...and then the day starts to come to a close, the boys are faithfully in bed, your father at the computer working and all I can think to myself is what a horrible job I did of celebrating your life.  It never ails that I will have to seek forgiveness from the Lord, your daddy, and the boys every Sunday and come your angelversary and your birthday.  I just keep praying that the Lord let me express myself in a much more pleasing manner and one that would bring Him glory and you blessings.  With your 11 month birthday around the corner, oh dear, I might as well as crawl into a hiding place until the day is done!  That is kind of silly because I logically know I need to arm myself with the word of God, bring my spirit into His presence with praise and worship but in my heart NOTHING feels right.  I always have dreaded this time of year.  Even before you were in my womb, I knew that the ending of September, the coming of fall and the start of school meant that October would fly through just like the leaves changing color and falling from the trees...pumpkin patches, Halloween decorations, Thanksgiving and Christmas all before I could get one holidays decorations down and another up... and now it even means more then that.  It is a time of excitement, Halloween is fun and care free, then Thanksgiving and your daddy's birthday but this year Sophee, Thanksgiving IS YOUR BIRTHDAY...can you believe that.  Your first birthday, that I had planned from the day you came home from the N.I.C.U. is on Thanksgiving.  I will leave the rest of the holiday maddness for another blog.  I am awed at what the Lord is taking me through.  Some of it hurts so bad I am not sure I can with stand another breathe and then it is without that I am breathing again.  It really bothers me that people have little messages for me about me seeming to be different, or that I am becoming a different person, or they saw me happy.  That it makes it easier for some to only be around during joyful times...well I have to say the joyful times are the easy times.  The times it is easy to sing and dance praises.  It is days like Wednesday that are hard to muddle through.  Why do people only choose the good days.  The truth is the Lord changed my heart and began a new stage of shaping me the day He welcomed you back to His kingdom.  He knew that.  He knew that my inner most being was going to change.  He did not take you to hurt me, nor to teach me lessons but I know He wants me to lean into Him and for me to be conformed to His likeness by your death.  He works all things together for the good of those who love Him...I know that is TRUTH!  What I have not understood is if God can stand by me through the bad days why can't others...I know I shouldn't have expectations but I believe it to be human nature.  You know Sophee, i am sure that Jesus knew I was going to have REALLY bad days after you died.  I don't think for a minute that He expected me to "recover," I think that the "healing" people wish me or claim to have seen is false.  Healing is something I don't think will ever happen for someone who has lost their child but rather they choose to stand in the Lord, choose joy.  I will never get over you, I will never heal from this broken heart but I can stand in my promises from Him.  In the same idea who expected EVERY SINGLE DAY TO BE A BAD DAY?  I didn't!  I knew some days would be easier then others, I knew some days would feel unbearable.  But the fact is, is that today, is the day after the day you died 4 months ago in June and I am still breathing.  I went on a class field trip with Anthony, I went to workout with your dad, I gave the boys and bath..and I tucked each one of their precious selves in to bed and told them just how much I love them!  That is what I had to offer today.  I think I did an amazing job, all things considered.  Every day from the day you died or from today doesn't have to be "happy day" but I also know the Lord did NOT promise us happiness...He did however tell us we could count all things JOY! Joy and happiness are two very different things...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KihQ0rJJXAIAnd we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them. Romans 8:28

Just Thinking

just to say I love you...So I am almost done with the auction, just waiting for a few more checks to arrive and a few people to contact me.  It amazes me that people would bid but not have intentions of paying or that their would actually be complaining about a product or service they received in exchange for a winning bid; when this was a charity event; but you know some people are never satisfied.  I get to start helping Molly Bear's by more then donation and actually make bears in your memory! I am so excited about this and Brigit and Tamberly are so thoughtful they want your name to be attached to the bears I make.  Which is very nice because I am doing this in your honor, just like I did the donations and auction.  And as a mommy to an angel it is nice to have that recognized!  It has been a long week with me being sick and not feeling 100% plus slightly moody because your angel date of the 12th is approaching, then the 23rd (you would be 11 months) and then your birthday, your daddy's birthday, Thanksgiving, Christmas!  Oh dear how I am dreading all of these...how am I going to get us all through this...together I assume is all that matters! I just keep thinking to myself once I pass these monumental dates that something is going to change, as if a magic trick or something, but in my heart I know different....I guess it is just the victory of making it through them...not saying that we will make it through them without any knicks or scratches but I know the Lord will bring us though it.  Which is also another bitter sweet thing, knowing the Lord will provide a way to the other side of this but the harsh reality that we are about to embark these dates without you being with us when they are about you too!  I suppose all those times I heard growing "Life isn't fair" is nothing lass then truth!  And to be quit honest I am not sure the bible says "life is fair" either but rather the Lord will hold me up at His righteous right hand and that he leads me beside still waters...Sophee I know you know how much I loved you, my hope is the rest of the world would know my love for you too and that, that love would make a difference in someone's life! Blessings to you and Jesus sweet girl...Blessings

it's gone by so fast

This was the 4th day of your life

I can't believe that today has been 16 weeks since the last time I held your warm body

4 months in heaven

Sophee, It has been 16 weeks since the last time I help your warm body.  I can still remember the smell, and feel the wrinkles on your skin..you were so skinny after all. I just adore those memories.  You snuggled in mommy's chest, so natural.  I was so difficult to hold you while you were intubated. I was so fearful of the tube becoming dialoged becasue when I put you against my chest you trying digging yourself deeper and deeper.  I am not sure where the time has gone.  I can recall the details of the day you died like it just happened but then it feels like forever since I was able to touch you! I spent 6 1/2 months doing nothing but caring for you and holding you.  We spent so much time in the rocking chair it was almost as if you knew when we were not in it.  I tried putting you in the bed with me several times but that wasn't what you wanted. And boy did you have an opinion. You knew up until that least breath who you wanted and how you wanted it! I miss you...You are a picture of God's perfection and a story of His grace...I can't believe this amount of time has come and gone.

Butterfly Footprints: Sophee Olivia

This is something special another angel mommy made me out of Sophee's footprints...enjoy Butterfly Footprints: Sophee Olivia

I'm Sick

So I had thought for almost a week I was just experiencing allergies but I woke this morning and I am actually sick.  Sick to the point nothing taste good, my throat is killing me.  It is almost as if I chose to slow life down a smidge, not force myself to every single &:00 a.m. baseball game, not volunteer for every classroom duty, not offer to purchase every classroom need, not extend my help when I really didn't have it in me to help, not stretch my self to R.S.V.P. to every birthday invitation that comes home in backpack mail.  I know that these things are important to do and life not stop completely but when you offer to do all of this plus some you find yourself winded and out of breath.  I also think there is another side to this, so I chose to slow down plus my life (not by choice) slow down. And now life has hit me like a box of rocks and I am sick.  The past year I was so busy caring for someone else I didn't have  a choice to get sick so I was very careful about being around others, going into public, and my children had a sanitary routine when they came home from school...they came in stripped their clothes and went straight to the bath tub before they could enter the front part of the house to ensure we were doing a good disease control.  Plus hand sanitizer every time you touched, well anything! I made sure everyone had the multi-vitamins and over cautious about my child entering my room. And outsiders coming into my home...well all the sudden it's cold weather and I go to the grocery store (something I did not do when Sophee was here unless I had outerwear on and a mask.) And i showered the moment I got done putting the groceries away, wiped down all the groceries with clorox wipes.  If you could have thought it, I did it, to keep that baby healthy. And it kept us healthy.  But now I don't wipe my groceries down, I do wash my hands first thing when I come in from public, but my kids don't change anymore and it seems that all this is going to have to go a few rounds with my immune system before I feel better and have some tolerance.  You know I miss this, I knew I was doing something that was safe for Sophee and my boys! I guess that's where I am trying to go with this today...everything changed.  The more I think about it, the more I realize since Sophee died nothing has stayed the same.   I am not sure things will ever be the way they were before I had her or before I lost her. See there is several very distinct time periods of life here...Sophee's pregnancy was one, Sophee's birth and time here another, then Sophee's last hospitalization another, and still another since Sophee's death.  I don't want to stay exactly as I am, I never have.  I have the desire for the Lord to mold me and shape me but sometimes I wish that meant not such harsh realities or life lessons.  Anyhow, the best for today is what it is.  I have baseball games to go to, a house to straighten up, and not feeling good (my goal will be not to hurt my family with my mouth today)  I hate being sick, I am sure everyone does!  But I really hate being sick this time because it is just one more piece proving to me how much I miss having Sophee to take care of.

So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison,  as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal.  2 Corinthians 4:16-18  

It's cold outside....

The weather has changed quickly...we went to a wedding last weekend and it was beautiful out. The weather was just right, not too hot...not too cold. I found myself as the bride danced with her father, her brother, and the groom danced with his mother thinking back and forward.  I thought back to my wedding day and that I didn't have my brother to stand up for me in the wedding party, and that my dad wasn't there to walk me down the isle and the pain that brought that day and this particular Saturday. I was also reminded of the pain my mother must have felt that day, having to act as two people, as my mother and playing  the role a father is supposed to play in a daughter's life and give her away to her groom. I also thought of the pain she must have felt that day knowing she would never see my brother (Erik) get married or have children. The legacy lost in a heart beat.  Then I was brought forward to me and your daddy's life at that very moment....we would never see you married, never see your beautiful smile in the beautiful white dress! Nor would we see your first tooth, your first steps, your first day of school....all of this leading up to today. The weather is changing you can feel the fall in the air and I am reminded of the great amount of anxiety I felt leading up to your birth.  What would happen, would you cry, would we get a moments time with you...then you were here and all the exciting things I prepared for your life. The first Halloween costume...oh how I couldn't wait to dress you up as a little lady bug! And the cold outside reminds me of Thanksgiving and Christmas approaching soon.  But its going to be your birthday before you know it! Your first birthday! Oh how exciting...when you were home from the hospital mommy had to stay in the room with you so I watched a lot of t.v. Things like cupcake wars and on a particular episode I had seen the perfect birthday cake! How big a celebration it was to be, what a miracle you were and what joy I felt planning these things! I would like to write here that I still have that same excitement about planning your first birthday, becasue why wouldn't we still celebrate you but it doesn't seem to be feeling that way! Anyhow, that can be figured out as we get closer...
   I have a bit of an after thought here...I was thrown off by the comment someone (not a close friend) had sent to me privately through facebook a week or so ago and in that message she stated how I had gone into my own little world and that she hoped I had began my healing process soon...well all of this is a part of my healing process...including the pain.  It is not like I have had years to process this but even more I am about to embark all your first! Your first birthday that will also be your first birthday in heaven, your first Halloween, your first thanksgiving, daddy's birthday and I am afraid. I know my feelings will not kill me but sometimes it sure does feel like it! So with all this being said, I began to try and change my feelings and it has left me a bit depressed.  I can not change how I feel; I can however still find joy in the Lord! and I can say this was not her place to say to me becasue I will never heal completely I will always have a scared heart from your life and death! You will always be my baby, my girl! You are a delight to think of but if I think about it too much my heart sobs....It is an unexplainable thing that your heart can cry but it does...there is a medical condition called broken heart syndrome.  Which is exactly as it sounds, someone has suffered a trauma so great they begin to have symptoms of a heart attack.  I really love you Sophee and I miss you so very much!

"2 Timothy 1:7
For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline

Thinking of you tonight..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z9JTwJ_1lzE

Today

I also wanted to write this sweet but bitter moment down...today I was sitting on the back porch having a cigerette in the cool fall air when Mathieu (my youngest son) approaches me with a dandelion. He told me to blow. Now I am sure many of you remeber from your childhood if you blew a dandelion then you got a wish...today I didn;t get to pick my wish I was told what my wish was supposed to be..."Mommy Blow, and wish you were a princess" So after the first failed attempt at blowing all the seed pods from the dandelion, I made sure to force them along with another breath following "Mommy did you wish you were a Princess?" I responded as any good mother would..."well yes I wished I was a princess," brushing back my hair as a gesture of royalty.  Mathieu then looks at me, you could see the sadness and thought in his eyes..."Mommy I wished Sophee could be a princess, I wish she could be a princess for Halloween"says Mathieu. My response was quick, so that I didn't break down into a tantrum before I could answer him, not that he had asked a question..."I do to baby, I do to."  He sat crouched on the pedal car in front of me, lookign at me very intently and matter of fact and started to cry..."I wanted Sophee to be a princess for Halooween but she went with God, that makes me sad mommy, she could have gotten lots of candy!" Mathieu spoke all of this with tears in his eyes and it took every ounce of self control I had not to break down too! I pondered for a moment...well yes this was sad, and yes I wanted her to be a princess too..."Maty, guess what?" "What Mom?" I looked at him a little soft and said" You know Maty I bet Jesus gives Sophee the best chocolate in the whole world..."  Maty turned on his pedal car, wiped his nose on his sleeve and was content with that...There were several things I realized at that moment. 1~Sophee was not just going to be missed by me at holidays 2~ my children are grieving. I know this statement may be a "like duh" statement but I really hadn't let that sink in becasue that means more then just my children are grieving, that also menas my boys hurt and a mother hurts for her child that hurts, that my boys needed their sister and there was nothing I could do but pray and offer them love. and 3~ they had hopes and dreams for Sophee too, that died when she did! I hadn't realized they had the same dreams played out in their heads...Mathieu had clearly imagined exactly what costume he thought was a perfect fit for her,,,just as I did her bows, her clothes, her first words...and that Sophee's brothers, my boys had their dreams and hopes crushed when Sophee passed. That was a blow to a mommy who wants nothing more then to protect her children from all harm whether physical, mental or spiritual! I miss her and so does Mathieu, Tadum and Anthony! She is their sister and they still treat her memory with loving tenderness just as they did her!