Today was your birthday

Well sweet girl, you are officially a 1 year old princess! The day is over and momma is relieved.  I had an awful start to the week.  First the negative pregnancy test, then the infection in my mouth, the cost of the surgery to fix the infection, the financial burden the surgery is causing during the holidays, the fact the infection is getting worse rather then better.  I woke this morning to a call and a trip to the oral surgeon to see why all the sudden my face was swelling. I received an email from a dear woman who has a little boy with Trisomy 18 too...she just wanted to share with me a story of a friend who had lost her daughter in a drowning and that she so desperately wanted another child but it just wasn't happening...well after 2 years she got another daughter and in hind sight she was able to say that the Lord knew she wasn't ready for a new spirit. So the blessing of your birthday today was this email and the realization that I want to be ready for a new spirit so that is what I am going to begin to pray for.  I have been bitter and angry.  And a new spirit does not mean that I will not have bad days and miss you, it does not mean that I won't get mad or miss you but that I can allow a place a in my heart for the Lord to do some healing.  I love you, you will always be mommy's princess!  And I also am not going to put the pressure on myself EVER again to have the perfect party! Your brothers were charged with emotions, as were daddy and I.  All that emotion together made for a miserable experience when all we wanted to do was have fun and enjoy the day together, grateful we are a family including you! So your next birthday I think we will get out picture albums in our jammies and look and talk and eat cake and release our balloons...possibly make a craft for you and just take it easy! I didn't want to make-up today but I made myself thinking it was the right thing to do but now that the day is done...I could have gone without! I am so proud to be your mommy!  We went to diner and the boys all had on their bottle cap necklaces that have your picture on them and Tadum had to tell our waitress that it was our baby in Heaven birthday! and that her name is Sophee!  They are proud of you, proud to talk about you! They think of you all the time! There is no shame in them saying our baby sister is an angel and she made a difference in our life and we still acknowledge her as a part of our family! That Sophee is the beauty of our family! You always will be my daughter, Daddy's princess, and your brothers' pride and joy! I have so much more I want to write but it is really late and tomorrow is Thanksgiivng and Daddy's birthday so I close with a HUGE HAPPY BIRTHDAY and many many blessings~ to you and to Jesus!  P.S. Jesus thank you fro throwing Sophee the most beautiful party ever! I know you are the best Host, the Host of Host!  I love you Lord, I love you Sophee...Dad and Erik I love you too!

Also thank you Lord for the wonderful friends you have placed in my life that took time and used their hard earned money to make sure I had something for Sophee's birthday.  The gifts and the kind words were such a blessing! Thank you for choosing to bless me today with wonderful people and my husband, my kids and my angel who has left an imprint on so many hearts...all for the glory and furthering of your kingdom! Sophee has always been yours, thank you for letting me have her for that amazing 201 days!

you are my sunshine<3