Keeping quite...

I haven't said anything about this to but less then a handful of people becasue I have not wanted to hear the ridiculous comments people have regarding it but I am at a place today where I am so heart broken and desire so much to have another child I am going to share.  I am so angry with God.  Jimmy and I knew before Sophee died that we wanted another baby.  Month after month nothing.  And still month after month nothing...I pray from the puit of my stomach that the Lord bless us with another daughter, one we can watch grow up, one He won't take from us.  I miss Sophee so freaking bad.  I have tried so hard to be joyful in all things including this horrible trial but I am tired of "just keep praying, and have hope and that the Lord knows the desires of your heart" I tell myself this everyday.  There are some affordable medications we stared trying last month and I can use them for a couple more months in hopes that the Lord will work something out but then our next move is back to the REI clinic which is so much money, money we don't have.  And they have these wonderful programs now that you can finance your fertility treatments but you have to have super great perfect credit. And that just isn't something we have.  It was ok until all the bills started piling up with all the circumstances that have occurred in our lives over the past few years.  Some days I wish the Lord would drop a fertility doctor into our lives who had a heart for us and would say "I would love to help you two accomplish your dreams" but that is just wishful thinking.  Then I have heard of people starting a blog about all of this and asking for small donations such as $5 because if everyone of my friends on facebook donated that amount I would so totally have enough money to take to the fertility doctor here and say "Help me heal please!!!" Or something as easy as someone understanding and co-signing but how do you ask for someone for something like that?...you don't!  I cry out to Jesus for these things but it all seems to be bouncing off the ceiling.  I just got done getting dressed so we can head out to church and I had to blog becasue I am not sure I can lift my hands in praise to Him today when all I want to do is drop to my knees.  I want to beg and barter none of which is right. But there is two things right now I want.  One of those things is my Sophee which just plain and simple isn't going to happen or two another baby.  Which seems to be proving pretty hopeless too!  I am just so down right angry...Why can God not hear me....are you there becasue I feel like somewhere shortly before this you quite listening!

this song is called "Father can you Hear me"