Tuesday, April 17, 2012

I miss you..

So Mathieu had school this morning and I was supposed to stay for hie "in-school" field trip..or was supposed to attend a MOPS meeting..I choose to do neither of these things it has been some time since I just came home and had no other prior engagements. Being pregnant and tired today doing nothing was what I really needed to do so I came home to a quite empty house and have been able to get still for a little bit and reflect.. I miss my family. I have been so checked out for so long!  I realized after I left Mathieu in the school I hadn't said much of anything to him this morning other then the questions of what he wanted in his lunch box...no goodbye, no good morning, no simple words of "I love you"

How does a mom go through life without speaking to her kids...I do not want Sophee's death to define me as a mother. I sat listening to service Sunday and Pastor made it so simple...yes life can be hard, yes your circumstances are probably not pretty..but there is someone somewhere...who would trade their circumstances, their life for your hurts and pains! You mean someone would want to wear my shoes? Absolutely their is always someone, somewhere who has it worst then you.  It is all about perception...

My perception of life got so distorted after Sophee died I simply forgot... forgot about was was important, forgot who mattered, forgot what was real...it changed my being...I want to be better then I was before Sophee.  I want my life to reflect the blessing she truly was.  I suppose I think of it somewhat like this...its ok to be crippled...it just isn't ok to be crippled and choose to quit living due to a disability.  I have a disability...a broken heart! But I can not simply quit because I don't feel like participating, or that it is too hard! Not only am I missing the blessings God has provided...I am dismissing all of beautiful lessons (blessings)  Sophee has given and still gives.  I suppose that all this won't change over night and praise the Lord that He is patient and long suffering.  Hopefully with gentle reminders I can slow down..get back to basics and learn to love again....


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