well tomorrow is my birthday...32nd to to matter of fact...32...3 kids, 1 angel and one on the way...My only wish is too feel blessed every year... That I would be able to recognize the beauty around me, the joy the Lord has placed in my life and rejoice in that. I am blessed but instead of rejoicing...all I can think about is last year. Last year I know exactly where I was at and what I was doing for my birthday. I spent most of the day at in the Presbyterian Pediatric ICU preparing for Sophee to come home...We had a "care meeting that morning." I once again had to voice my care and love for my daughter...remind everyone I was anything but delusional and knew that my sweetest baby girl would not be with me for a life time. My mother baked my favorite german chocolate cake cupcakes and we shared with all the staff (you want to know the way to medical care givers hearts..FOOD!) I made so many lovely friends and meet people who impacted my life in more then one way. I throughly enjoyed every moment of being in that hospital. I never complained about being tired, showering in a hospital shower, eating hospital food...all that mattered was Sophee was warm and her body was there to snuggle. (I can hardly see to type the tears are falling like a faucet) It was a simple birthday. Very few monetary gifts, a simple dinner with my mom at one of my favorite restraunts and then back to where I came from...Sophee's room in the ICU. Oh how I would give anything to be back in that room! I spent my birthday in the hospital with Sophee... getting ready for her to go home in a few days...learning her g-tube cares, her feeding routine...holding her on the cot under the window with a zebra patterned blanket..snuggling and sleeping....and that was all I needed. I FELT BLESSED and IN GOD"S FAVOR! ! SO much has changed in such a short amount of time, yet that short year feels like an eternity of punishment! I wish I could explain all the hard emotions and feelings and hurt and broken relationships but it is too much to pull together at once. Last year I had dinner with my mother...this year I am not sure we will speak. Last year I had cake...this year I buy cakes to celebrate an "angelversary" Last year I had a daughter...this year I have an angel! It is like living in some strange time warp. You feel the eternity and yearning desire to return to where you have come from but then it seems like yesterday...I can remember thee clothes I wore last year on my birthday, I know exactly what blanket Sophee and i were snuggling. Now days I can't even remember what day of the week it is. I am grateful for the gift of this new life, my children and my husband, my daughtership in Him...but I hurt! I hurt so bad that my heart literally skips a beat every now and again. I hurt and desire to be who I once was...a mom with 3 boys and a daughter..all here together on Earth, in a small city, in my little house...enjoying her last breath we took! Don't you wish that special days were exclusive to no hurtful feelings? I do...I wish something in the law of the universe written in His word said..on your birthday, Christmas (ect) you will feel no pain. However I know His word says that I will face many trails of various kinds while here but to take heart because one day I going to His kingdom where "perfect" is for eternity...suppose that tomorrow means one more day closer to that place <3 and until then...baby you'll be... Heaven got an angel <3 |
| This was 4.4.2012 (5 days after my birthday last year when we were being released from the hospital. Sophee even brought joy to her Doctors in the PICU |
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