Wednesday, June 6, 2012

It's almost been...

Well it has almost been 1 year since I last got to hold your sweet warm self...my mind keeps wanting to replay these last few days leading up to "that moment" but I keep trying to make myself stay busy so I can not relive those days.  The sad thing is I knew Saturday something was wrong, just didn't realize that the next day you would be leaving my arms forever. 
Life has gotten so messy...I keep wishing I had "my life back" I know that with every day things change and that nothing remains the same but my heart just aches to have simple...I thought I had problems before and now they all seem so simple and frivolous.  That I wish those "quality" problems were the only things I had to deal with.  People who have not been through something like this can begin to understand that your passing is merely the tip of a gigantic iceberg.  That so many things from fiances to relationships are continually effected by the loss of a child.  I keep telling myself to hang on just a little longer and things will start to get different.  That if I can just dig my nails in long enough something will change. My only issue is right now it seems that different only means worse. 
My skin is no longer thick....things where I know in my heart are not about me hurt my heart more then you can imagine.  I had a recent experience with a store owner whom I had bought hats for Ollie from back at the beginning of April.  I asked her a couple days ago if the hats had shipped...simple just said "have my hats shipped" and got back a message of how difficult I was and so on...and for some reason that ate my lunch.  I knew I was not in any way difficult but still was so hurt by it...  It is just these simple, silly things that are proving to me my disconnection with who I am in Him.  I have forgotten all these things I learned several years back.  I know how to armor up.. I just can't seem to find the ambition to do it.  I guess once I am broken down enough and the only way is up...is when I will start seeking my comfort from the one who can actually provide...
Things are getting harder..I feel like I have the same conversation with God over and over...you took them, you took her, now he is going, how much more God...how much more???  It seems like a never ending cycle of bad happenings..which I  know is why I have to get my rear end in gear and suit up so that I may be better equipped to deal with the hardships of life.  I hate feeling like all these tings that have happened in my life and they may all be in vein if I don't start seeking Him and His purpose.  I just keep wishing my heart would stop hurting long enough to catch a good fresh breath of air so that I can carry on without huffing and puffing, totally winded coming across the lone crippled, beaten, bruised and most definitely without grace.  But then He didn't ask us to finish without any scars...geez the puns of life. 
I so totally miss you, I miss me...I miss that feeling of gratefulness I had for every breath you took...I just keep trying to be gentle to myself and those around me..remembering we are all trying....
in the arms of an angel

3 comments:

L said...

I've been thinking of you and Sophee ... I know it's hard. I know how you feel. Everyone says the anniversaries are the hardest. I will find out for me next month. Praying you'll find some relief and will pull closer to your family!

JAMIE said...

LOVE YOU

Nalah Mari Friesen Smith said...

Summer, I so 'hear you'. I feel 'thin skinned' too. Less resilient. Time seems to make it worse, not better, or at very least, it keeps reoccurring. Loneliness for a person in Heaven is so very hard. I am thinking of you, and we think of Sophee often in our family. We have her sweet face proudly displayed on Nalah's Christmas tree (still up) and I often look at her photos...she is just so very beautiful. This experience is life altering, it shakes absolutely everything up. I hope we can both survive it with some strength left over....Sending you lots of love. Marianne

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