realizing...

    All I can say is I hope it isn't too late...I have sat now feeling angry, empty and uncertain...and I know this is not what God intends for me.  I have come to know a not so beautiful truth...Life and its circumstances have really taken root with bitterness in my heart.  I sat tonight in church...our message is #Savorthefavor...it is about living in the "favored zone of God."  I sat tonight listening to Pastor talking about people who are angry all the time and poverty-minded (those who believe they will never be more or have more) but how God does not intend this for me (or you) living in this shadow of curses.  So for a breif moment if we thought about becoming "favor-minded" then what might happen?
    You see we can't just expect for the Lord to bless us...we have to expect blessings and then in return return the blessing! Sort of like a "pay it forward" I saw on the news a while back about people who would go to starbucks and start a chain reaction, if you will, of kindness.  They would purchase the coffee for the car behind them..then the next person would do the same, and the next, and the next...So what would have happened if the person who received the coffee didn't purchase the coffee of the car behind it?Well number one the chain would have been broken...number two the blessing would have came to a screeching halt.  So when the Lord blesses you, do you in turn, go out and bless Him or others? Or do you hoard the blessing? 
    If I chose to hoard the blessing I am going to be the one who ends up missing out...I am going to miss out when Jesus days...no more blessings for you my greedy child...I do not want the Lord to stop blessing me....
In all of this I had a few thoughts...1... I have somewhere along this journey forgotten what a blessing God gave me when He gave me Sophee....that she wasn't a punishment, but A BLESSING!  The Lord chose me to love that sweet baby! To be her mother, her voice, her care-taker...and He didn't take her to hurt me...I don't know why He took her, I can ask myself all day...why me?But all that matters is HIM!  I want to bless the Lord.  I want to lift up my hands! Glory is risen and He did not come walk among us and steal sin from us to live under a curse, to be poverty-minded, or angry! 
    The second thing I realized is that I have been so broken from life...then there were people who said things to me along the way that was like salt in a wound...and I have put my guard up...keeping so many at bay. I have been ANGRY! I have been so angry.  How could have this person said such a thing and called themselves a friend? How could they?  I have let them consume more space in my heart then Jesus and my love for Jesus!  I have given them my power!
    What if I choose not to be angry? What if I go and speak life and favor into my life, my children's lives, my husband's life???  Am I bold enough to take this challenge? I want the favor of the Lord to make me shine!  I heard something tonight at church that made sense.."you can't have a larger life, without a new attitude"  He can't pour Himself into me without me pouring into Him! 
    As service came to an end, and the tithe and offering bucket began to be passed this song was played...http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j1N3zac7648  I had that overwhelming love I had for Jesus...I knew I wanted my heart cleansed...so that I could fill it with His word and begin to meditate on it day and night..I want to read it, I want to follow it, I want to crave it!  I am tired of this place...Nothing can shut what the Father has opened..nothing can lock what the Father has broken through.
    All I could hear was "Sons and Daughters of the KING lift up your voice and sing"  I want Jesus to restore my soul.  I want to be in Him!  Not stuck in anger...WE HAVE BEEN SET FREE!!!! Please listen to the link as you read my blog, or read my blog then get up and Praise Him with your worship.  I want to claim by the way I live my life, how free I am because love cam e and walked among!

Romans 12:11Or but serve the Lord with a zealous spirit; or but let the Spirit excite you as you serve the Lord.