Broken...

I have been feeling really broken for a while now but fearful of saying much because I get the response  "you don't have the luxury of falling apart you have kids,"  or "see that is exactly what I was afraid of"  I have gone months now without crying about Sophee.  After the people who called themselves friends told me that I needed to heal at God Speed, I let that bother my heart in enormous ways.  I had thought I had shook it off but all that happened was it got stuck in the back of my mind that I wasn't honoring Sophee or God by hurting and have tried holding things back.  And now I am feeling completely lost and overloaded. My emotions are explosive right now. We have something gigantic happening in our life.  It is exciting yet in the same breath terrifying. . I am feeling very alone and extremely abnormal for all the feelings it is bringing up. I also feel very unsupported.  Why can't people (especially those I love)  support something that is a blessing, why can't you try to help process and stand by my side and work through this fear.  I feel so jaded.  Everything that happened with Sophee has jaded me. It has made me have more insight and given me a much deeper love but it has also let a whole lot of anger in my heart.  I miss my baby girl and I am afraid to to say it out loud because of the fear of being judged.  And I am so mad at God, I can't stand it.  I want to honor and love Him but I can't even open up the lines of communication again because I am so heart broken.  Logically I know all the right answers, I know God is big enough to handle me being mad at him but for crying out loud why can't my heart get on board.  I feel like someone has taken a baseball bat to my kneecaps crushed and crippled, hit in the gut and my breath knocked out from under me. I am so angry!!!!  I just want my old life back, not this stupid life, but my life that was manageable. With my kids and joy and the things that bothered me were trivial...not Earth shaking, glass shattering PAIN!  I want all our broken hearts to not exist.  The brokenness is leaking out all over the place...it is seeping from all of our pores.  I just want "normal" to happen again.  But I now a new normal is what is going to have to happen. If only I could figure out how to get there.