I found myself in the midst of wondering today. Wondering who was I, were was I going, what was I doing...I could only think that Sophee dying has somehow changed who I was, and now I feel like that 18 year old girl who wondered who she was and how she fit. I have found myself uncomfortable with my hair color, my clothes...which I know may seem superficial but it is something you never think you will be effected by the loss of a child. Sophee dying has changed so much about me. I have greater and different appreciations then I did before, new fears and anxieties, new hurt, a deeper love. Everything about my being has changed. I hate looking in the mirror every day, looking into something I know nothing about. Before I had Sophee I knew who I was, I knew what I wanted and now I am not even sure what I want to eat. I think to myself that I don't want my life with and without Sophee to define me, but in many ways it does. People who were friends are no longer friends, fears I never had suddenly exists, anger I didn't know existed suddenly exists.I have to keep going back to one thing...I have His child. I am an heir to the kingdom of the King. I also can't help in all of this confusion to think that maybe God has stripped away my identity so that He can begin to reshape and remold me. There is nothing fun or exhilarating about being in the fires of the kiln. I logically know that at the end, I am going to be closer to Him and my transformation will be in the conformity to His image, but while I am going through all of this I can't help but think "how bad this burns." I have good days and bad just like any other person. Just some worse then others. and maybe today is just one of the not so great days, but I wake up feeling the same way every day. I have never had a problem engaging in conversation with a stranger, much less someone I know...and I find it difficult to speak any more. Almost like what I am saying I don't believe, or so uncomfortable I want to crawl out of my skin. Anyhow, I know the Lord isn't going to take me anywhere He isn't with me nor is He going to lead me anywhere He isn't going to keep me. I know He loves me and all He wants is what is best for me...and sometimes my idea and His idea of best are a little different...and I have to stand in a place of surrender.
Blessed is the man who remains steadfast under trial, for when he has stood the test he will receive the crown of life, which God has promised to those who love him. James 1:12
here is a song reflecting some what how I feel today
1 comments:
Oh I understand this so well Summer. I too felt as though I was in the middle of an identity crisis after Freja died. I didn't know who I was anymore, and it was very frustrating and frightening. Almost three years later, I still struggle with this to a degree. It blows my mind to look back at the "me" before my daughter was born - Even looking at pictures from before her birth blows my mind. I hardly recognize myself. It's crazy to think about how carefree life was then. I'm learning to stand on my own two feet like never before. My opinions are definately much stronger now, and I don't take crap from people like I tended to do before. It does change everything and I do think that we will become better, more understanding, people for it. Thinking of you!
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