Broken...

I have been feeling really broken for a while now but fearful of saying much because I get the response  "you don't have the luxury of falling apart you have kids,"  or "see that is exactly what I was afraid of"  I have gone months now without crying about Sophee.  After the people who called themselves friends told me that I needed to heal at God Speed, I let that bother my heart in enormous ways.  I had thought I had shook it off but all that happened was it got stuck in the back of my mind that I wasn't honoring Sophee or God by hurting and have tried holding things back.  And now I am feeling completely lost and overloaded. My emotions are explosive right now. We have something gigantic happening in our life.  It is exciting yet in the same breath terrifying. . I am feeling very alone and extremely abnormal for all the feelings it is bringing up. I also feel very unsupported.  Why can't people (especially those I love)  support something that is a blessing, why can't you try to help process and stand by my side and work through this fear.  I feel so jaded.  Everything that happened with Sophee has jaded me. It has made me have more insight and given me a much deeper love but it has also let a whole lot of anger in my heart.  I miss my baby girl and I am afraid to to say it out loud because of the fear of being judged.  And I am so mad at God, I can't stand it.  I want to honor and love Him but I can't even open up the lines of communication again because I am so heart broken.  Logically I know all the right answers, I know God is big enough to handle me being mad at him but for crying out loud why can't my heart get on board.  I feel like someone has taken a baseball bat to my kneecaps crushed and crippled, hit in the gut and my breath knocked out from under me. I am so angry!!!!  I just want my old life back, not this stupid life, but my life that was manageable. With my kids and joy and the things that bothered me were trivial...not Earth shaking, glass shattering PAIN!  I want all our broken hearts to not exist.  The brokenness is leaking out all over the place...it is seeping from all of our pores.  I just want "normal" to happen again.  But I now a new normal is what is going to have to happen. If only I could figure out how to get there.

from one dragon mom to another...

please please read this article

Jimmy was given this article tonight at the boy's grief group.  Let me tell you that I could feel every word this woman said and the eloquence she used to explain where many of us have been is beautiful.  I get being a dragon mom, not many do, its tabu to discuss...but I knew at 18 weeks pregnant with Sophee that she would NEVER live a full life.  I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that one day I would help her to Jesus's arms.  Can I please tell you that while I am typing this I am heavy handed...I was able to bring my sweet girl home, do nothing but cuddle her, love her, and rock her...I changed her clothes at least twice a day, she always had a bow in her hair, I pumped every 3 hours...all of this I did knowing she was going to die.  With the help of others I was able to spend my days and nights in the hospital cooing over her, loving her, praying with her...that was a blessing to be able to do nothing but love for 6 months...now that she is gone I am still catching up from the things that went left undone...the bills, the cleaning..and yes it has been 7 months! All of it...WORTH IT!!!!! I wish life could carry on like that.  I have a small savings account for my boys (small!) but you know what we get through one day at a time.  and there was somethings Sophee taught me that I may have never learned other wise.  One of the most important things is to cherish the small things, and to appreciate the normal!  I had no idea life could be ab-normal! Now you hear of ab-normal test result but an ab-normal life?  I am so grateful this Dragon Mom expressed herself...she says in the last paragraph " But today Ronan is alive and his breath smells like sweet rice. I can see my reflection in his greenish-gold eyes. I am a reflection of him and not the other way arpund, and this is, I believe, as it should be.  This is a love story, and like all great love stories, it idd s story of loss.  parenting I've come to understand, is about loving my child today!. Now, in fact, for any parent anywhere, that's all there is."  I love her emphasis on loving her child TODAY! and her gentle reminder to all parents...that really that is all we have.  We get caught up in all the hoopla of my kid can, or my child will, or I can send my kid to _____college....but what happens when ab-normal knocks on your door...and all your plans go right out the window? There is nothing about my life that was ab-normal...then God gave me Sophee and I am so grateful that little girl rocked my world! <3

identity?!

I found myself in the midst of wondering today.  Wondering who was I, were was I going, what was I doing...I could only think that Sophee dying has somehow changed who I was, and now I feel like that 18 year old girl who wondered who she was and how she fit.  I have found myself uncomfortable with my hair color, my clothes...which I know may seem superficial but it is something you never think you will be effected by the loss of a child.  Sophee dying has changed so much about me.  I have greater and different appreciations then I did before, new fears and anxieties, new hurt, a deeper love.  Everything about my being has changed.  I hate looking in the mirror every day, looking into something I know nothing about.  Before I had Sophee I knew who I was, I knew what I wanted and now I am not even sure what I want to eat.  I think to myself that I don't want my life with and without Sophee to define me, but in many ways it does.  People who were friends are no longer friends, fears I never had suddenly exists, anger I didn't know existed suddenly exists.I have to keep going back to one thing...I have His child.  I am an heir to the kingdom of the King.  I also can't help in all of this confusion to think that maybe God has stripped away my identity so that He can begin to reshape and remold me.  There is nothing fun or exhilarating about being in the fires of the kiln. I logically know that at the end, I am going to be closer to Him and my transformation will be in the conformity to His image, but while I am going through all of this I can't help but think "how bad this burns."  I have good days and bad just like any other person.  Just some worse then others.  and maybe today is just one of the not so great days, but I wake up feeling the same way every day.  I have never had a problem engaging in conversation with a stranger, much less someone I know...and I find it difficult to speak any more.  Almost like what I am saying I don't believe, or so uncomfortable I want to crawl out of my skin.  Anyhow, I know the Lord isn't going to take me anywhere He isn't with me nor is He going to lead me anywhere He isn't going to keep me.  I know He loves me and all He wants is what is best for  me...and sometimes my idea and His idea of best are a little different...and I have to stand in a place of surrender.

Blessed is the man who remains steadfast under trial, for when he has stood the test he will receive the crown of life, which God has promised to those who love him.   James 1:12


here is a song reflecting some what how I feel today

realizing...

    All I can say is I hope it isn't too late...I have sat now feeling angry, empty and uncertain...and I know this is not what God intends for me.  I have come to know a not so beautiful truth...Life and its circumstances have really taken root with bitterness in my heart.  I sat tonight in church...our message is #Savorthefavor...it is about living in the "favored zone of God."  I sat tonight listening to Pastor talking about people who are angry all the time and poverty-minded (those who believe they will never be more or have more) but how God does not intend this for me (or you) living in this shadow of curses.  So for a breif moment if we thought about becoming "favor-minded" then what might happen?
    You see we can't just expect for the Lord to bless us...we have to expect blessings and then in return return the blessing! Sort of like a "pay it forward" I saw on the news a while back about people who would go to starbucks and start a chain reaction, if you will, of kindness.  They would purchase the coffee for the car behind them..then the next person would do the same, and the next, and the next...So what would have happened if the person who received the coffee didn't purchase the coffee of the car behind it?Well number one the chain would have been broken...number two the blessing would have came to a screeching halt.  So when the Lord blesses you, do you in turn, go out and bless Him or others? Or do you hoard the blessing? 
    If I chose to hoard the blessing I am going to be the one who ends up missing out...I am going to miss out when Jesus days...no more blessings for you my greedy child...I do not want the Lord to stop blessing me....
In all of this I had a few thoughts...1... I have somewhere along this journey forgotten what a blessing God gave me when He gave me Sophee....that she wasn't a punishment, but A BLESSING!  The Lord chose me to love that sweet baby! To be her mother, her voice, her care-taker...and He didn't take her to hurt me...I don't know why He took her, I can ask myself all day...why me?But all that matters is HIM!  I want to bless the Lord.  I want to lift up my hands! Glory is risen and He did not come walk among us and steal sin from us to live under a curse, to be poverty-minded, or angry! 
    The second thing I realized is that I have been so broken from life...then there were people who said things to me along the way that was like salt in a wound...and I have put my guard up...keeping so many at bay. I have been ANGRY! I have been so angry.  How could have this person said such a thing and called themselves a friend? How could they?  I have let them consume more space in my heart then Jesus and my love for Jesus!  I have given them my power!
    What if I choose not to be angry? What if I go and speak life and favor into my life, my children's lives, my husband's life???  Am I bold enough to take this challenge? I want the favor of the Lord to make me shine!  I heard something tonight at church that made sense.."you can't have a larger life, without a new attitude"  He can't pour Himself into me without me pouring into Him! 
    As service came to an end, and the tithe and offering bucket began to be passed this song was played...http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j1N3zac7648  I had that overwhelming love I had for Jesus...I knew I wanted my heart cleansed...so that I could fill it with His word and begin to meditate on it day and night..I want to read it, I want to follow it, I want to crave it!  I am tired of this place...Nothing can shut what the Father has opened..nothing can lock what the Father has broken through.
    All I could hear was "Sons and Daughters of the KING lift up your voice and sing"  I want Jesus to restore my soul.  I want to be in Him!  Not stuck in anger...WE HAVE BEEN SET FREE!!!! Please listen to the link as you read my blog, or read my blog then get up and Praise Him with your worship.  I want to claim by the way I live my life, how free I am because love cam e and walked among!

Romans 12:11Or but serve the Lord with a zealous spirit; or but let the Spirit excite you as you serve the Lord.

A beautiful design!

I have a lot to blog about but it is time to get the kids from school!  I wanted to quickly share a woman who has captured the essence of grief in her wearable art! http://smallbirdstudios.com/2012/01/03/wendy-layne-giveaway/
Wendy Layne has done something I have spoken out about before...here in the U.S.A. we don't practice tradition like many other countries or communities when it comes to grief and loosing a child...there are all types of different traditions throughout the world so that the community at large knows this person is fragile and broken! And to be gentle with that person, as they are hurting, and the slightest thing can be too much!  Well here we have to carry on with daily life, go to the grocery store, return to work and so we go about and blend in wit the rest of society...all the while the person in the line at counter of the grocery store has had a bad day and wants to take it out on you or voice their opinion about something...not realizing it could be the one comment that pushes you over the edge!
I have thought many times after Sophee passed away (which is coming up on 7 months) that life would be easier if I had it tattooed on my forehead that "My daughter died in June)  or wore a shirt every day saying "Proceed with caution...my living daughter just died and I have empty arm syndrome and a broken heart!"  But that isn't reality and the fact is so many have been unaware of my situation and it has sent me over edge, however I can not walk around saying "please don't be mean to me, my daughter just died and I feel raw!!!"  And at that I am not sure how many would change their behavior or reaction because of it either!  Wendy found a way to let everyone be able to see...and take heed with this beautiful piece of art that is a necklace of a heart stitched together very loosely and then taken the word FRAGILE and placed it over the heart!  That is exactly how I feel most days...if you accidentally snag one of those strings my whole heart is going to unravel!  What a beautiful thing it is to be able to express yourself in a beautiful way...Thank you for sharing this!