I have been at such a loss for words recently, hence the very few blogs I have posted. I quit posting because the pain was so intense and the judgement that kept coming from the most unexpected places, the harshness from mankind, and the pure pain from being totally raw and completely depleted: physically, emotionally and spiritually.
I am a woman of great faith. I have believed in Jesus for my entire 31 years. I have never questioned His being. Questioned His authority absolutely but question His being... never. I have began to start letting whatever was festering surface and recently I have faced a few adversities. I was afraid to be sad and angry at God for everything that happened with Sophee for fear of Him being angry with me. Also fearful to say the how I was feeling fearing that others might loose their faith in Him...and if their is one thing I know God does not like...is causing another man to fall. So I try to say "we were blessed with 201 days with Sophee" but lets get real here is what I want to say 9 months later.. "You, God, gave me the one thing I have desired for as long as I can remember..a daughter. Then the dreaded day of a phone call to tell me how incompatible with life my daughter was. So I prayed to you, I begged of you to spare her life...to just let us get a chance to love her after birth...so the cruel joke was you would let me have her for 201 days then take her back. How dare you, a God of miracles, mercy, grace and wonder take my baby (or any other baby at that matter)"
Let me pause on the conversation with God and say this...people come up with all kinds of cute and corny little things such as "an angel with a book of life wrote down _________'s birth, He mentioned as the angel closed the book...too beautiful for Earth" or they say that God needs little children in heaven for the nursery....I have heard so many things. I know that these things are made up and said out of looking for a place of comfort. I tried to find solace in them, I really did, but at the end of the day...there is no place I want Sophee to be rather then in my arms, at my house, with me and my family! Yes, yes I know as a woman of faith that heaven is a magnificent and beautiful place but it wasn't time for my baby to go to heaven!
Then I think to myself...all these momma's who go through 1 child loss, and then He doesn't stop there He allows another tragedy and the mother must suffer the loss of another child. Seems so cruel.
Back to the conversation..."So I know saying this you may choose to teach me another lesson and take another child from me...hey why wouldn't I expect you to keep taking. I know you say you won't let any circumstance come without a way out of the situation and that great old saying of how you will never give me more then I can handle...but God I am broken...totally broken. I have no idea when the healing begins or what healing actually means...all I know is I am stuck! and had You just made things a little different I wouldn't be stuck. I walk around so angry, so very angry at you God...that I take it out on my husband, and my children...I have withdrawn from anything familiar and for the life of me, I can not understand who You are! and God..WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?"
Expecting another baby....let's start with "It's a boy...and I have a lot of feelings and emotions around having another baby after the loss of Sophee, as well as having a baby that isn't a girl..but lord forbid if I mention these feelings...or in comes the harsh judgement from everyone on the outside! Who has never come close to experiencing the pain I have in this lifetime! Having a baby after the loss of Sophee brings up so many things! First I don't want people getting overly excited and think I am over the death of Sophee...or shouldn't I just focus on the blessing I have...all I can say is if you even so much think this thought to yourself...don't read my blog and remove yourself from my friends list! I know I am blessed. Yet, none of the fear, sadness, anxiety, or grief go away from having a new baby! If anything it brings up more! First of all, I am jaded, I never knew all the terrible things that could go wrong right at birth! I didn't know...I just didn't know...sad thing is now I do! Now I carry the weight of every chromosomal abnormality, every virus, disease, pre-term labor, placental issues, cord accidents around on my shoulders...so you think I can just relax..be grateful...feel blessed and enjoy my pregnancy! Well all I can say to you is I carry this baggage around and I think I have earned the right with a 1 in 1 million chance of Sophee having Trisomy 18 and she was the 1! Then once the baby is born healthy I worry about sids, childhood disease....Sure I could drop the baggage but my motherly instincts and my broken heart do not allow this to happen! This world is cruel...it is defiling and it is hard to survive somedays! I so miss Sophee...that no matter how many babies I have all I am ever going to want is her! I hate the "my forever child" saying because that means exactly what it says...Sophee is my forever baby...she stopped growing the day she died...leaving her my baby in my heart forever.
I know there is hope in Jesus and He is big enough to heal me and that He values me enough to heal my heart but what I want to know is why did He have to break my heart in the first place! I guess the only thing that makes sense to me today is the saying "my heart misses who I used to be when you were here"
I can't begin to tell you how hard this journey is. I know I see women who lost their child 20plus years ago and still have that small part of grief in their heart. I have to say I keep thinking with time its going to get better but what I recognize today on Sophee's 9 months angelversary is.. it just got a little worse. As the time goes by....the reality of forever continues to set in and the pain in my chest because of how much I yearn to hold her again is so overwhelming it feels like it is strangling the very breath out of me.
"SOPHEE...I LOVE YOU!"
well tomorrow is my birthday...32nd to to matter of fact...32...3 kids, 1 angel and one on the way...My only wish is too feel blessed every year... That I would be able to recognize the beauty around me, the joy the Lord has placed in my life and rejoice in that. I am blessed but instead of rejoicing...all I can think about is last year. Last year I know exactly where I was at and what I was doing for my birthday. I spent most of the day at in the Presbyterian Pediatric ICU preparing for Sophee to come home...We had a "care meeting that morning." I once again had to voice my care and love for my daughter...remind everyone I was anything but delusional and knew that my sweetest baby girl would not be with me for a life time. My mother baked my favorite german chocolate cake cupcakes and we shared with all the staff (you want to know the way to medical care givers hearts..FOOD!) I made so many lovely friends and meet people who impacted my life in more then one way. I throughly enjoyed every moment of being in that hospital. I never complained about being tired, showering in a hospital shower, eating hospital food...all that mattered was Sophee was warm and her body was there to snuggle. (I can hardly see to type the tears are falling like a faucet) It was a simple birthday. Very few monetary gifts, a simple dinner with my mom at one of my favorite restraunts and then back to where I came from...Sophee's room in the ICU. Oh how I would give anything to be back in that room! I spent my birthday in the hospital with Sophee... getting ready for her to go home in a few days...learning her g-tube cares, her feeding routine...holding her on the cot under the window with a zebra patterned blanket..snuggling and sleeping....and that was all I needed. I FELT BLESSED and IN GOD"S FAVOR! ! SO much has changed in such a short amount of time, yet that short year feels like an eternity of punishment! I wish I could explain all the hard emotions and feelings and hurt and broken relationships but it is too much to pull together at once. Last year I had dinner with my mother...this year I am not sure we will speak. Last year I had cake...this year I buy cakes to celebrate an "angelversary" Last year I had a daughter...this year I have an angel! It is like living in some strange time warp. You feel the eternity and yearning desire to return to where you have come from but then it seems like yesterday...I can remember thee clothes I wore last year on my birthday, I know exactly what blanket Sophee and i were snuggling. Now days I can't even remember what day of the week it is. I am grateful for the gift of this new life, my children and my husband, my daughtership in Him...but I hurt! I hurt so bad that my heart literally skips a beat every now and again. I hurt and desire to be who I once was...a mom with 3 boys and a daughter..all here together on Earth, in a small city, in my little house...enjoying her last breath we took! Don't you wish that special days were exclusive to no hurtful feelings? I do...I wish something in the law of the universe written in His word said..on your birthday, Christmas (ect) you will feel no pain. However I know His word says that I will face many trails of various kinds while here but to take heart because one day I going to His kingdom where "perfect" is for eternity...suppose that tomorrow means one more day closer to that place <3 and until then...baby you'll be... Heaven got an angel <3
