It's almost been...

Well it has almost been 1 year since I last got to hold your sweet warm self...my mind keeps wanting to replay these last few days leading up to "that moment" but I keep trying to make myself stay busy so I can not relive those days.  The sad thing is I knew Saturday something was wrong, just didn't realize that the next day you would be leaving my arms forever. 
Life has gotten so messy...I keep wishing I had "my life back" I know that with every day things change and that nothing remains the same but my heart just aches to have simple...I thought I had problems before and now they all seem so simple and frivolous.  That I wish those "quality" problems were the only things I had to deal with.  People who have not been through something like this can begin to understand that your passing is merely the tip of a gigantic iceberg.  That so many things from fiances to relationships are continually effected by the loss of a child.  I keep telling myself to hang on just a little longer and things will start to get different.  That if I can just dig my nails in long enough something will change. My only issue is right now it seems that different only means worse. 
My skin is no longer thick....things where I know in my heart are not about me hurt my heart more then you can imagine.  I had a recent experience with a store owner whom I had bought hats for Ollie from back at the beginning of April.  I asked her a couple days ago if the hats had shipped...simple just said "have my hats shipped" and got back a message of how difficult I was and so on...and for some reason that ate my lunch.  I knew I was not in any way difficult but still was so hurt by it...  It is just these simple, silly things that are proving to me my disconnection with who I am in Him.  I have forgotten all these things I learned several years back.  I know how to armor up.. I just can't seem to find the ambition to do it.  I guess once I am broken down enough and the only way is up...is when I will start seeking my comfort from the one who can actually provide...
Things are getting harder..I feel like I have the same conversation with God over and over...you took them, you took her, now he is going, how much more God...how much more???  It seems like a never ending cycle of bad happenings..which I  know is why I have to get my rear end in gear and suit up so that I may be better equipped to deal with the hardships of life.  I hate feeling like all these tings that have happened in my life and they may all be in vein if I don't start seeking Him and His purpose.  I just keep wishing my heart would stop hurting long enough to catch a good fresh breath of air so that I can carry on without huffing and puffing, totally winded coming across the lone crippled, beaten, bruised and most definitely without grace.  But then He didn't ask us to finish without any scars...geez the puns of life. 

I so totally miss you, I miss me...I miss that feeling of gratefulness I had for every breath you took...I just keep trying to be gentle to myself and those around me..remembering we are all trying....
in the arms of an angel

I miss you..

So Mathieu had school this morning and I was supposed to stay for hie "in-school" field trip..or was supposed to attend a MOPS meeting..I choose to do neither of these things it has been some time since I just came home and had no other prior engagements. Being pregnant and tired today doing nothing was what I really needed to do so I came home to a quite empty house and have been able to get still for a little bit and reflect.. I miss my family. I have been so checked out for so long!  I realized after I left Mathieu in the school I hadn't said much of anything to him this morning other then the questions of what he wanted in his lunch box...no goodbye, no good morning, no simple words of "I love you"


How does a mom go through life without speaking to her kids...I do not want Sophee's death to define me as a mother. I sat listening to service Sunday and Pastor made it so simple...yes life can be hard, yes your circumstances are probably not pretty..but there is someone somewhere...who would trade their circumstances, their life for your hurts and pains! You mean someone would want to wear my shoes? Absolutely their is always someone, somewhere who has it worst then you.  It is all about perception...

My perception of life got so distorted after Sophee died I simply forgot... forgot about was was important, forgot who mattered, forgot what was real...it changed my being...I want to be better then I was before Sophee.  I want my life to reflect the blessing she truly was.  I suppose I think of it somewhat like this...its ok to be crippled...it just isn't ok to be crippled and choose to quit living due to a disability.  I have a disability...a broken heart! But I can not simply quit because I don't feel like participating, or that it is too hard! Not only am I missing the blessings God has provided...I am dismissing all of beautiful lessons (blessings)  Sophee has given and still gives.  I suppose that all this won't change over night and praise the Lord that He is patient and long suffering.  Hopefully with gentle reminders I can slow down..get back to basics and learn to love again....

They say it's your birthday....

                                             well tomorrow is my birthday...32nd to to matter of fact...32...3 kids, 1 angel and one on the way...My only wish is too feel blessed every year... That I would be able to recognize the beauty around me, the joy the Lord has placed in my life and rejoice in that. I am blessed but instead of rejoicing...all I can think about is last year. Last year I know exactly where I was at and what I was doing for my birthday. I spent most of the day at in the Presbyterian Pediatric ICU preparing for Sophee to come home...We had a "care meeting that morning." I once again had to voice my care and love for my daughter...remind everyone I was anything but delusional and knew that my sweetest baby girl would not be with me for a life time.  My mother baked my favorite german chocolate cake cupcakes and we shared with all the staff (you want to know the way to medical care givers hearts..FOOD!) I made so many lovely friends and meet people who impacted my life in more then one way. I throughly enjoyed every moment of being in that hospital.  I never complained about being tired, showering in a hospital shower, eating hospital food...all that mattered was Sophee was warm and her body was there to snuggle. (I can hardly see to type the tears are falling like a faucet) It was a simple birthday.  Very few monetary gifts, a simple dinner with my mom at one of my favorite restraunts and then back to where I came from...Sophee's room in the ICU.  Oh how I would give anything to be back in that room!  I spent my birthday in the hospital with Sophee... getting ready for her to go home in a few days...learning her g-tube cares, her feeding routine...holding her on the cot under the window with a zebra patterned blanket..snuggling and sleeping....and that was all I needed. I FELT BLESSED and IN GOD"S FAVOR! ! SO much has changed in such a short amount of time, yet that short year feels like an eternity of punishment! I wish I could explain all the hard emotions and feelings and hurt and broken relationships but it is too much to pull together at once.  Last year I had dinner with my mother...this year I am not sure we will speak. Last year I had cake...this year I buy cakes to celebrate an "angelversary"  Last year I had a daughter...this year I have an angel! It is like living in some strange time warp.  You feel the eternity and yearning desire to return to where you have come from but then it seems like yesterday...I can remember thee clothes I wore last year on my birthday, I know exactly what blanket Sophee and i were snuggling.  Now days I can't even remember what day of the week it is.  I am grateful for the gift of this new life, my children and my husband, my daughtership in Him...but I hurt! I hurt so bad that my heart literally skips a beat every now and again.  I hurt and desire to be who I once was...a mom with 3 boys and a daughter..all here together on Earth, in a small city, in my little house...enjoying her last breath we took!  Don't you wish that special days were exclusive to no hurtful feelings?  I do...I wish something in the law of the universe written in His word said..on your birthday, Christmas (ect) you will feel no pain.  However I know His word says that I will face many trails of various kinds while here but to take heart because one day I going to His kingdom where "perfect" is for eternity...suppose that tomorrow means one more day closer to that place <3 and until then...baby you'll be...  Heaven got an angel <3

This was 4.4.2012 (5 days after my birthday last year when we were being released from the hospital. Sophee even brought joy to her Doctors in the PICU 

The Waiting Game...

I was searching for memorabilia for Trisomy over a year ago and ran across a shop on facebook called Hero On My Wrist... I contacted the owner of the shop and was informed I would have to be put on a waiting list and it could be close to a year.  Well with all that has occurred this past year...Sophee coming home 4 days before new years, heart surgery in February, g-tube surgery in March, HMV in May, and her death in June (June 12, 2011) plus the boys birthdays, holidays, and the news of our rainbow baby....I had long forgotten about my name on this waiting list.  I received an email a few weeks back asking me if I still wanted my place on the list! Of course and what a neat surprise!  Sabrina, the creator and owner of Hero on my Wrist is such an amazing talented woman.  I believe when she started this is was for military families only and now she serves so many different communities.  I ordered a fabric bracelet in Trisomy 18 colors so that I could carry it with my every where in a super stylish way!  I also ordered a necklace but have not seen it yet!  It was such a blessing to be able to create a sentimental stylish accessory.  When you order from Sabrina you get to choose fabric colors, charms, buttons, thread color....all of which I did around my precious Sophee and her Trisomy friends!  I love unique things...I have so many sweet trinkets to honor my sweet Sophee but most are made for the home and her cabinets and shelves..so it was nice to get the opportunity to order something I can wear...and hopefully people will ask...what is that...and there is a story behind each piece Hero On My Wrist creates.  Thank you Sabrina and Hero On My Wrist...

Lost For Words.

   I have been at such a loss for words recently, hence the very few blogs I have posted.  I quit posting because the pain was so intense and the judgement that kept coming from the most unexpected places, the harshness from mankind, and the pure pain from being totally raw and completely depleted: physically, emotionally and spiritually.
   I am a woman of great faith.  I have believed in Jesus for my entire 31 years. I have never questioned His being.  Questioned His authority absolutely but question His being... never.  I have began to start letting whatever was festering surface and recently I have faced a few adversities.  I was afraid to be sad and angry at God for everything that happened with Sophee for fear of Him being angry with me.  Also fearful to say the how I was feeling fearing that others might loose their faith in Him...and if their is one thing I know God does not like...is causing another man to fall.  So I try to say "we were blessed with 201 days with Sophee" but lets get real here is what I want to say 9 months later.. "You, God, gave me the one thing I have desired for as long as I can remember..a daughter.  Then the dreaded day of a phone call to tell me how incompatible with life my daughter was. So I prayed to you, I begged of you to spare her life...to just let us get a chance to love her after birth...so the cruel joke was you would let me have her for 201 days then take her back.  How dare you, a God of miracles, mercy, grace and wonder take my baby (or any other baby at that matter)"
Let me pause on the conversation with God and say this...people come up with all kinds of cute and corny little things such as "an angel with a book of life wrote down _________'s birth, He mentioned as the angel closed the book...too  beautiful for Earth"  or they say that God needs little children in heaven for the nursery....I have heard so many things.  I know that these things are made up and said out of looking for a place of comfort.  I tried to find solace in them, I really did, but at the end of the day...there is no place I want Sophee to be rather then in my arms, at my house, with me and my family!  Yes, yes I know as a woman of faith that heaven is a magnificent and beautiful place but it wasn't time for my baby to go to heaven!
   Then I think to myself...all these momma's who go through 1 child loss, and then He doesn't stop there He allows another tragedy and the mother must suffer the loss of another child.  Seems so cruel.
    Back to the conversation..."So I know saying this you may choose to teach me another lesson and take another child from me...hey why wouldn't I expect you to keep taking.  I know you say you won't let any circumstance come without a way out of the situation and that great old saying of how you will never give me more then I can handle...but God I am broken...totally broken.  I have no idea when the healing begins or what healing actually means...all I know is I am stuck! and had You just made things a little different I wouldn't be stuck.  I walk around so angry, so very angry at you God...that I take it out on my husband, and my children...I have withdrawn from anything familiar and for the life of me, I can not understand who You are! and God..WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?"
  Expecting another baby....let's start with "It's a boy...and I have a lot of feelings and emotions around having another baby after the loss of Sophee, as well as having a baby that isn't a girl..but lord forbid if I mention these feelings...or in comes the harsh judgement from everyone on the outside! Who has never come close to experiencing the pain I have in this lifetime! Having a baby after the loss of Sophee brings up so many things!  First I don't want people getting overly excited and think I am over the death of Sophee...or shouldn't I just focus on the blessing I have...all I can say is if you even so much think this thought to yourself...don't read my blog and remove yourself from my friends list!  I know I am blessed.  Yet, none of the fear, sadness, anxiety, or grief go away from having a new baby!  If anything it brings up more!  First of all, I am jaded, I never knew all the terrible things that could go wrong right at birth! I didn't know...I just didn't know...sad thing is now I do! Now I carry the weight of every chromosomal abnormality, every virus, disease, pre-term labor, placental issues, cord accidents around on my shoulders...so you think I can just relax..be grateful...feel blessed and enjoy my pregnancy! Well all I can say to you is I carry this baggage around and I think I have earned the right with a 1 in 1 million chance of Sophee having Trisomy 18 and she was the 1! Then once the baby is born healthy I worry about sids, childhood disease....Sure I could drop the baggage but my motherly instincts and my broken heart do not allow this to happen! This world is cruel...it is defiling and it is hard to survive somedays! I so miss Sophee...that no matter how many babies I have all I am ever going to want is her! I hate the "my forever child" saying because that means exactly what it says...Sophee is my forever baby...she stopped growing the day she died...leaving her my baby in my heart forever.
   I know there is hope in Jesus and He is big enough to heal me and that He values me enough to heal my heart but what I want to know is why did He have to break my heart in the first place! I guess the only thing that makes sense to me today is the saying "my heart misses who I used to be when you were here"
   I can't begin to tell you how hard this journey is.  I know I see women who lost their child 20plus years ago and still have that small part of grief in their heart.  I have to say I keep thinking with time its going to get better but what I recognize today on Sophee's 9 months angelversary is.. it just got a little worse.  As the time goes by....the reality of forever continues to set in and the pain in my chest because of how much I yearn to hold her again is so overwhelming it feels like it is strangling the very breath out of me.

      "SOPHEE...I LOVE YOU!"

trust...a little short on this

I have tried to write this blog 3 times and each time I have hit the wrong button and it has erased so last go round...

I went to the doctor last Friday for a procedure and was supposed to receive preliminary results back by Wednesday of this week. Well when I called for the results the office informed me that the sample collected was not large enough to do the preliminary testing and I would have to wait until Friday. I called yesterday and never received a phone call back. First off I have never prayed for patience because I know that the lessons that usually come with the request of patience is often very trying and to be honest I am not up for any trials right now. I know that the saying goes "god will never give you more then you can handle" but come on...I can't get with that! You could preach that to me all day long but I am telling you when you are the one going through it...you could care less how strong God thinks you are! I am at this place in this not so pleasant journey where I am struggling with "letting go and letting God!" Here is how I can break it down to you...fact: my father and brother died in a horrific plane crash (coming up on 10 years in March) God did not spare their lives, they were here then they were gone! Fact: Sophee was not healed before birth...people from one end of this Earth to the other prayed for this child to be healed and she wasn't! Fact: Sophee's life was not spared even though many prayed and claimed healing over her when she was sick. Fact: I have suffered more traumatic losses in a lifetime then most will ever experience. These are not peaceful deaths where a loved one lived 90 something years then passed in their sleep...these were horrifying, terrifying life shaking events! These people were here one day and gone the next...no one ready to let go, no one ready to say good bye, no one could even say well at least they lived a full life! My father was 43, my brother was 20, my daughter 201 days old! I have gone through valleys and then been at the top of the mountain during this lesson and right now I am back in the valley. The lesson...I have many times asked God "why?" and have not understood why! Why would the God of the Universe, who is capable of miracles not have spared us any pain? I have come to the place where I know it is not my place to question our God and surrender and praise Him for who He is! and now...now I sit in a place of this very conversation...
"God why have you not spared my family any pain? God you knew how much I loved that baby..why did you take her? God you know my hearts desire...it is not much but why God, why would I expect a God who couldn't even preform a miracle in the time of need listen to my hearts desire? Oh that's right I don't expect you too."
I keep hoping my faith would have triumphed these feelings but today they are raw and on my shoulders...I know God knew when Sophee died that I was going to struggle and I was going to hurt and I was going to have a tough time rounding up my faith somedays...I know He understands...but today I just want Him to listen..I want God in a box that I can understand. That makes some sense. That doesn't feel like I am fighting for every last breath of air. I know that I am really grateful that God works in ways I can't comprehend but some days I wish there was a glimpse of understanding why what has happened in my 32 years has happened. I have given God al the glory and really grateful for Sophee's life, and really have no desire for anyone to place any judgement here or even remotely tell me what blog may help me heal...all of this is my healing! The pain is part of healing, this crazy ride I am on is all leading to "healing" for whatever healing is? I just need to have a real conversation, a real dialogue with God! One that may not look pretty or say in your name I pray...I need Him to help me surrender. feelings are not pretty, they aren't easy...and I am pretty sure that when God created "will" He was very aware that feelings would come with it and that not all feelings were pretty or graceful. That is something that has amazed me along this journey...people have spoken things to me about healing but honestly have no grasp on what I am healing from...God knew that my grief wasn't going to be graceful...that their would be a lot of stumbling and fighting... so what is it about the stumbling and the fighting..whether it be with my own feelings, with my faith...God gets it...you don't think God grieved Jesus wen He died? Come on people we were created in His image! Break that down...break it down all the way to grief! God was sad, He was angry, if God is real and we were created in His likeness then why do you think God didn't grieve? Would you tell God to hurry and heal over Jesus being crucified? Over the pain of His sacrifice? I think not...so why say it to a momma hurting...a momma wrestling with her faith. I keep going back and forth...I hate that Sophee had Trisomy 18 and that it eventually lead to her death but I am grateful for the friendships and the some of the lessons...in the same breath I resent those relationships because of what formed them and I resent the lessons because they were not lessons I ever wanted to learn. I want to be so personal with God that I can trust Him, that it is not this supernatural weird "oh heavenly father" in king james version talk but just a real conversation with a real God. Someone who I can come to, who I know will be there and after you have had a child die...you don't always feel that...and why wouldn't you not always feel like God was for you when you have this sweet innocent being that has never hurt anyone or anything taken from you yet the man who abused his wife for many years is healed from cancer? This is what I am saying...sometimes I wish God worked inside a box so I could understand! My small world consist of a very small amount of people, places and things when you get down to the fact that God knows everyone and every hair on their heads. My world is small! Real small...and I don't always understand what is going on in my small world!

Broken...

I have been feeling really broken for a while now but fearful of saying much because I get the response  "you don't have the luxury of falling apart you have kids,"  or "see that is exactly what I was afraid of"  I have gone months now without crying about Sophee.  After the people who called themselves friends told me that I needed to heal at God Speed, I let that bother my heart in enormous ways.  I had thought I had shook it off but all that happened was it got stuck in the back of my mind that I wasn't honoring Sophee or God by hurting and have tried holding things back.  And now I am feeling completely lost and overloaded. My emotions are explosive right now. We have something gigantic happening in our life.  It is exciting yet in the same breath terrifying. . I am feeling very alone and extremely abnormal for all the feelings it is bringing up. I also feel very unsupported.  Why can't people (especially those I love)  support something that is a blessing, why can't you try to help process and stand by my side and work through this fear.  I feel so jaded.  Everything that happened with Sophee has jaded me. It has made me have more insight and given me a much deeper love but it has also let a whole lot of anger in my heart.  I miss my baby girl and I am afraid to to say it out loud because of the fear of being judged.  And I am so mad at God, I can't stand it.  I want to honor and love Him but I can't even open up the lines of communication again because I am so heart broken.  Logically I know all the right answers, I know God is big enough to handle me being mad at him but for crying out loud why can't my heart get on board.  I feel like someone has taken a baseball bat to my kneecaps crushed and crippled, hit in the gut and my breath knocked out from under me. I am so angry!!!!  I just want my old life back, not this stupid life, but my life that was manageable. With my kids and joy and the things that bothered me were trivial...not Earth shaking, glass shattering PAIN!  I want all our broken hearts to not exist.  The brokenness is leaking out all over the place...it is seeping from all of our pores.  I just want "normal" to happen again.  But I now a new normal is what is going to have to happen. If only I could figure out how to get there.

from one dragon mom to another...

please please read this article

Jimmy was given this article tonight at the boy's grief group.  Let me tell you that I could feel every word this woman said and the eloquence she used to explain where many of us have been is beautiful.  I get being a dragon mom, not many do, its tabu to discuss...but I knew at 18 weeks pregnant with Sophee that she would NEVER live a full life.  I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that one day I would help her to Jesus's arms.  Can I please tell you that while I am typing this I am heavy handed...I was able to bring my sweet girl home, do nothing but cuddle her, love her, and rock her...I changed her clothes at least twice a day, she always had a bow in her hair, I pumped every 3 hours...all of this I did knowing she was going to die.  With the help of others I was able to spend my days and nights in the hospital cooing over her, loving her, praying with her...that was a blessing to be able to do nothing but love for 6 months...now that she is gone I am still catching up from the things that went left undone...the bills, the cleaning..and yes it has been 7 months! All of it...WORTH IT!!!!! I wish life could carry on like that.  I have a small savings account for my boys (small!) but you know what we get through one day at a time.  and there was somethings Sophee taught me that I may have never learned other wise.  One of the most important things is to cherish the small things, and to appreciate the normal!  I had no idea life could be ab-normal! Now you hear of ab-normal test result but an ab-normal life?  I am so grateful this Dragon Mom expressed herself...she says in the last paragraph " But today Ronan is alive and his breath smells like sweet rice. I can see my reflection in his greenish-gold eyes. I am a reflection of him and not the other way arpund, and this is, I believe, as it should be.  This is a love story, and like all great love stories, it idd s story of loss.  parenting I've come to understand, is about loving my child today!. Now, in fact, for any parent anywhere, that's all there is."  I love her emphasis on loving her child TODAY! and her gentle reminder to all parents...that really that is all we have.  We get caught up in all the hoopla of my kid can, or my child will, or I can send my kid to _____college....but what happens when ab-normal knocks on your door...and all your plans go right out the window? There is nothing about my life that was ab-normal...then God gave me Sophee and I am so grateful that little girl rocked my world! <3

identity?!

I found myself in the midst of wondering today.  Wondering who was I, were was I going, what was I doing...I could only think that Sophee dying has somehow changed who I was, and now I feel like that 18 year old girl who wondered who she was and how she fit.  I have found myself uncomfortable with my hair color, my clothes...which I know may seem superficial but it is something you never think you will be effected by the loss of a child.  Sophee dying has changed so much about me.  I have greater and different appreciations then I did before, new fears and anxieties, new hurt, a deeper love.  Everything about my being has changed.  I hate looking in the mirror every day, looking into something I know nothing about.  Before I had Sophee I knew who I was, I knew what I wanted and now I am not even sure what I want to eat.  I think to myself that I don't want my life with and without Sophee to define me, but in many ways it does.  People who were friends are no longer friends, fears I never had suddenly exists, anger I didn't know existed suddenly exists.I have to keep going back to one thing...I have His child.  I am an heir to the kingdom of the King.  I also can't help in all of this confusion to think that maybe God has stripped away my identity so that He can begin to reshape and remold me.  There is nothing fun or exhilarating about being in the fires of the kiln. I logically know that at the end, I am going to be closer to Him and my transformation will be in the conformity to His image, but while I am going through all of this I can't help but think "how bad this burns."  I have good days and bad just like any other person.  Just some worse then others.  and maybe today is just one of the not so great days, but I wake up feeling the same way every day.  I have never had a problem engaging in conversation with a stranger, much less someone I know...and I find it difficult to speak any more.  Almost like what I am saying I don't believe, or so uncomfortable I want to crawl out of my skin.  Anyhow, I know the Lord isn't going to take me anywhere He isn't with me nor is He going to lead me anywhere He isn't going to keep me.  I know He loves me and all He wants is what is best for  me...and sometimes my idea and His idea of best are a little different...and I have to stand in a place of surrender.

Blessed is the man who remains steadfast under trial, for when he has stood the test he will receive the crown of life, which God has promised to those who love him.   James 1:12


here is a song reflecting some what how I feel today

realizing...

    All I can say is I hope it isn't too late...I have sat now feeling angry, empty and uncertain...and I know this is not what God intends for me.  I have come to know a not so beautiful truth...Life and its circumstances have really taken root with bitterness in my heart.  I sat tonight in church...our message is #Savorthefavor...it is about living in the "favored zone of God."  I sat tonight listening to Pastor talking about people who are angry all the time and poverty-minded (those who believe they will never be more or have more) but how God does not intend this for me (or you) living in this shadow of curses.  So for a breif moment if we thought about becoming "favor-minded" then what might happen?
    You see we can't just expect for the Lord to bless us...we have to expect blessings and then in return return the blessing! Sort of like a "pay it forward" I saw on the news a while back about people who would go to starbucks and start a chain reaction, if you will, of kindness.  They would purchase the coffee for the car behind them..then the next person would do the same, and the next, and the next...So what would have happened if the person who received the coffee didn't purchase the coffee of the car behind it?Well number one the chain would have been broken...number two the blessing would have came to a screeching halt.  So when the Lord blesses you, do you in turn, go out and bless Him or others? Or do you hoard the blessing? 
    If I chose to hoard the blessing I am going to be the one who ends up missing out...I am going to miss out when Jesus days...no more blessings for you my greedy child...I do not want the Lord to stop blessing me....
In all of this I had a few thoughts...1... I have somewhere along this journey forgotten what a blessing God gave me when He gave me Sophee....that she wasn't a punishment, but A BLESSING!  The Lord chose me to love that sweet baby! To be her mother, her voice, her care-taker...and He didn't take her to hurt me...I don't know why He took her, I can ask myself all day...why me?But all that matters is HIM!  I want to bless the Lord.  I want to lift up my hands! Glory is risen and He did not come walk among us and steal sin from us to live under a curse, to be poverty-minded, or angry! 
    The second thing I realized is that I have been so broken from life...then there were people who said things to me along the way that was like salt in a wound...and I have put my guard up...keeping so many at bay. I have been ANGRY! I have been so angry.  How could have this person said such a thing and called themselves a friend? How could they?  I have let them consume more space in my heart then Jesus and my love for Jesus!  I have given them my power!
    What if I choose not to be angry? What if I go and speak life and favor into my life, my children's lives, my husband's life???  Am I bold enough to take this challenge? I want the favor of the Lord to make me shine!  I heard something tonight at church that made sense.."you can't have a larger life, without a new attitude"  He can't pour Himself into me without me pouring into Him! 
    As service came to an end, and the tithe and offering bucket began to be passed this song was played...http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j1N3zac7648  I had that overwhelming love I had for Jesus...I knew I wanted my heart cleansed...so that I could fill it with His word and begin to meditate on it day and night..I want to read it, I want to follow it, I want to crave it!  I am tired of this place...Nothing can shut what the Father has opened..nothing can lock what the Father has broken through.
    All I could hear was "Sons and Daughters of the KING lift up your voice and sing"  I want Jesus to restore my soul.  I want to be in Him!  Not stuck in anger...WE HAVE BEEN SET FREE!!!! Please listen to the link as you read my blog, or read my blog then get up and Praise Him with your worship.  I want to claim by the way I live my life, how free I am because love cam e and walked among!

Romans 12:11Or but serve the Lord with a zealous spirit; or but let the Spirit excite you as you serve the Lord.

A beautiful design!

I have a lot to blog about but it is time to get the kids from school!  I wanted to quickly share a woman who has captured the essence of grief in her wearable art! http://smallbirdstudios.com/2012/01/03/wendy-layne-giveaway/
Wendy Layne has done something I have spoken out about before...here in the U.S.A. we don't practice tradition like many other countries or communities when it comes to grief and loosing a child...there are all types of different traditions throughout the world so that the community at large knows this person is fragile and broken! And to be gentle with that person, as they are hurting, and the slightest thing can be too much!  Well here we have to carry on with daily life, go to the grocery store, return to work and so we go about and blend in wit the rest of society...all the while the person in the line at counter of the grocery store has had a bad day and wants to take it out on you or voice their opinion about something...not realizing it could be the one comment that pushes you over the edge!
I have thought many times after Sophee passed away (which is coming up on 7 months) that life would be easier if I had it tattooed on my forehead that "My daughter died in June)  or wore a shirt every day saying "Proceed with caution...my living daughter just died and I have empty arm syndrome and a broken heart!"  But that isn't reality and the fact is so many have been unaware of my situation and it has sent me over edge, however I can not walk around saying "please don't be mean to me, my daughter just died and I feel raw!!!"  And at that I am not sure how many would change their behavior or reaction because of it either!  Wendy found a way to let everyone be able to see...and take heed with this beautiful piece of art that is a necklace of a heart stitched together very loosely and then taken the word FRAGILE and placed it over the heart!  That is exactly how I feel most days...if you accidentally snag one of those strings my whole heart is going to unravel!  What a beautiful thing it is to be able to express yourself in a beautiful way...Thank you for sharing this!

Sunday again...

Looking for a reason So not only is it Sunday Sophee girl but tomorrow will have been 6 months!  Six months of agony, of heartache and pain. Trying to find my place in this world.  Trying to find peace and joy for the boys.  I can not believe that Christmas is only 2 weeks away.  I went ahead and told Santa to bring you a little something that boys can tinker with when they are missing you! On top of all of this it was a long weekend...it was Riley and Jackson's birthday...so a party Friday night and then another on Saturday and the Riley had dance competition today(which lasted something like 6 hours!) She rocked, she really did and she has a passion for it...but the place I found myself in of that wishing I could one day put the glitter and hairspray and make cute little dance outfits and headbands was almost unbearable.  I would love to put you in dance and watch you shine...it is sweet watching Riley light up.  She loves dancing and has a passion for it.  I love the bond that sisters share.  It is so sweet to have a little brother and sister and only wish there was more time I could spend with them...but I have the boys and they have their own activities.  I so desperately want to be a mom to a girl...I know one day when the boys grow up I will have 3 daughter in laws (and can only hope they will love me) But I want you.  Which is not an option so another baby is all I can hope for and I just have to pray that the Lord wants for me what I want...sometimes He says no and that is a very scary thing for me....We went to church last night and we listened to the Pastor share about how facebook is taking time away from our special people...those closest to us.  Our husbands, wives and children becasue we are too busy on phones or computers...I don't want to be that mom...Anthony will be out of the house if I am lucky in no less then 9 years!  Time flies...I want to invest in those around me.  I want daddy to know he is loved and supported and the boys to know they are more important then a "hold on", while I finish checking someone else's page...He also spoke of feeling important because we have the info first and how a family had had a family member pass at 3:00 am and that the family woke the next day to read this member had passed becasue it was all over facebook and was immediately thrown back to the day you died and how boundaries were lost that day...that we were trying to make your last hours, minutes here with us as quite and peaceful and memorable as possible and the phones wouldn't stop, and how I have lost friends becasue I didn't call them first after she passed or haven't healed fast enough...I don't need space, or tough love just simple unconditional love becasue I am going through the valley of the shadow of death...the Lord promises us deliverance but not in a certain amount of time...Jesus when Lazarus died could have gone to those who were grieving him and said to them "Hey you dummies, quit crying he is going to be raised from the dead" but he didn't he went and he grieved with them.  Life looks a lot different, my tolerance is much lower and sometimes have lost my filter but fake is something that bugs me...genuine politeness is one thing but to walk around smiling and shining when I feel a shadow cast upon me isn't all that real...wouldn't you wonder if mommy actually loved you if I carried on with my life as I did before I ever even knew you existed?  I am not that woman anymore, God didn't bring me through this to be the same woman but to grow me, to mold me, to shape me! Someone once said to me they loved me and were just waiting for things to get better in my life before they had anything to do with me...so how is someone who isn't talking to me, calling, writing, coming by going to know when "things get better?"  No! No one has the right words to say, no prophetic words that will heal me or take away my pain but the simple knowing that you are there and you are thinking and praying for me is all that matters...  People need to realize I expect your life to go on as is was before, but you can't expect mine to carry on as it was.  I have forever been changed, Sophee you grew me in a whole new way, you made me aware of so many things I had never been before.  You were an angel sent to help grow me spiritually!  You gave me life lessons most will never have which makes me a more compassionate, sympathetic, empathetic understanding person.  I will never regret that!  I will never regret my greiving you, you were a part of me...not just that place you hold in my heart but you grew in my womb....I carried you as the Lord breathed the very breath of life into you...why would I not want to grieve such a special person...you were a miracle.  I had another angel momma say to me recently that when people say to her that "her child is in a better place" she wants to just say to them, well then let us send your child there and see how you feel...see if you feel they are in a better place.... Of course believing in Jesus I know you are with Jesus walking and dancing on streets of gold! and would never desire to return here but it doesn't fill my empty arms or heart...they are still missing you!  Oh Sophee I love you and you have just helped me realize what is important and what is not...pretending that any amount of clothes or money would fix my heart...pretending life is great, smiling when I feel  like shedding tears and hiding from the world becasue my grief is unacceptable...it is not worth it!  Nor is the silly feuding that has carried on for years...if you want to continue to hate me, fine so be it but understand that you have no place in our live and don't be angry about it.  If you yell and scream and cuss every time we see you, then we don't want to see you.  Your daddy, your brothers and I have an appreciation for things some don't and never will...not saying that makes them less of people but it does allow us to help others, draw boundaries (that many will judge) and I have always been careful about what I blog about knowing that family and friends read it and don't ever want to harm anyone but there comes a point when serving the Lord and protecting our hearts is the most important even if that means you can't be apart of our lives...it doesn't mean you aren't loved, love doesn't mean letting someone walk all over you...For crying out loud even the Lord allows consequences for our actions to happen...so why as people can we not draw boundaries and say "No more"  This blog has been all over the place and it is becasue I haven't been blogging enough!  This is the only way I can talk to you, forever! and I deserve to say whatever I want...if I have to seek the Lord's forgiveness after writing something then that is between me and the Lord!  Shut your eyes and close your browser!  Sophee I love you dearly, you are our girl, our angel...not many ever get to live a completely clean (never sinned or harmful) life but you did and there was something to take from you...lots of somethings!  You had the strength to live 201 days the doctors aid would be cruel and inhuman!  But you lived it loved and loving!  I have to say until you are the parent or family who wakes up to the Lord saying I am taking my child home and begging Him not to, but knowing you have to hand your child back over to Him...then you just don't even get to wonder about me or my family!  We have done everything we ever have including fundraising for other families...out of love for our God and our daughter! Sophee I love you...Blessings my sweet child...blessings sweet Jesus~ I love you!

I just looking, trying to find my place in this world again...
what is my ministry
why did the Lord bring me through the heartache and pain
can you hear me asking you to place me where I belong
I want to bring you glory
that I know you can bring us to defeat a 50 foot tall and 50 foot wide wall
but where can you use me
you wouldnt have brough tme thruogh all of what I have been through breathing if it wasn't to glorify your kingdom
now help me Lord find my place again
help me know where to go and what to do
who to help
and how to help them
Lord you are our Lord...if you are for us who can stand against us?
Now take me as I am broken and in pieces...wishing for my heart to be put back together
and mend me and shape me as you see fit for your kingdom and your glory

a quick post...

I wanted to post something real quick for those who had left ugly messages my last blog...I  hope that you who said you weren't reading any more actually are...here is something another mom who lost her daughter posted today...You don’t know how I feel; please don’t tell me that you do.
There’s just one way to know–have you lost a child too?
“You’ll have another child” – must I hear this every day?
Can I get another mother, too, if mine should pass away?
Don’t say it was “God’s will” – that’s not the God I know.
Would God, on purpose, break my heart,
then watch as my tears flow?
You have an angel in heaven – a precious child above.
But tell me, to whom here on earth shall I give this love?
“Aren’t you better yet?” Is that what I heard you say?
No! A part of my heart aches and I’ll always feel some pain.
You think that silence is kind, but it hurts me even more.
I want to talk about my child who has gone through death’s door.
Don’t say these things to me, although you do mean well.
They do not take my pain away; I must go through this hell.
I will get better, slow but sure – and it helps to have you near.
But a simple “I’m sorry you lost your child” is all I need to hear.

I have more to post later...including some sites of what not to say to greiving parents, the fact that my feelings are my feelings and for those who constantly walk around offending me with their words I usually keep my mouth shut but sometimes I just can't...I could have responded to my ugly messager last week who has a toddler...well lets send your daughter to heaven and tell you you you need to heal at "god speed"! I also want to share a devotion that was sent to me becasue this person had commented on how I had said about wanting for people to gift in Sophee's name, or start a tradition in her honor...a godly woman has asked the same 13 years ago!  I am not crazy...and I guess that is why I am typing this becasue I had taken the last couple of weeks off from facebook and my blog, questioning myself over and over had the things I had said been offensive and hurtful and should I apologize....I am not crazy or have I done anything wrong for missing my Sophee and wanting and wishing and praying! That these two people in particular were offering me tough love...I don't need tough love right now, I need real friends who offer unconditional love! But one of these girls I actually thought was a wonderful friend so I pondered and prayed about her words...but the Lord did not impress any of what she said on my heart as truth...so with that said I also have a place in my heart for grace and giving forgiveness.... My little brother and sister turn 7 today and I have to shower for their birthday party later...so until I return later...have a blessed day ...Sophee I love you, Jesus I praise you! Blessings~

an ugly message

I received an ugly comment on my blog tonight and they informed me of how they no longer would read it which was interesting becasue it was someone whom I already blocked from facebook and have no other relationship with! I am hurting..its my first all coming at once without Sophee and so maybe my feelings are not graceful but they are mine and all of it is a part of the greif to get to a place where the pain is bearable...this person has said several times that she hope I heal soon from Sophee's death...hey p.s. I will always have a scar! And birthdays, holidays may aggrevate the wound.  I am so sorry to the Lord only for not always being graceful...but He loves me and He forgives me.  I was thrown off by the fact that Sophee's first birthday had no baby in a high chair, no gifts on the table and no candles on a cake.  I am very grateful for though those who prayed for us thru the week...it got us thru it ALIVE!  and our hearts are pieced a chip back (with glue and all around the edges) knowing that we are going to get through all of these tough times!  I am always thrown off when someone says to me I should be healed or Sophee is in a better place...I believe in Jesus Christ!  Of course Heaven is a better place and I am sure she doesn't want to be back on this Earth but for a grieving momma...simple statements that say I am thinking of you or praying for you are all that is needed sometimes!  My feelings are raw and certain things do bother me...such as a comment someone had left about how sick Sophee looked (this was even after she was home from the hospital from her heart surgery) and that they were glad she was no longer here...I know they didn't mean harm by it...but I commented to what the person said about at least she wasn't suffering anymore...how many of you Trisomy mommies would have thought your child was better off becasue they look sick to someone else...To us she looked perfect and good and they hadn't even ever seen the bad...and the friend who was actually a real friend just took Sophee's picture down and got angry at me! Until you have lost a child judgment should be far from you!  Even then everyone grieves differently! The only hope we have is to keep our angel's memory alive in the hearts of those who loved them and that one day we will be reunited with them.  I got a thoughtful card, several beautiful messages on facebook from lots of people for warm wishes for Sophee and how much she meant to them, even got a few gorgeous gifts and Sophee got balloons galore and flowers at her grave! I don't care if I ever receive gifts on her special days but it is a gut wrenching pain knowing that she doesn't get them...one of the people who I am referring to would have been at her first birthday with a card I am sure but she didn't even say happy birthday on my or Sophee's wall...My mom wouldn't have been out of town, she would have been here to celebrate a miraculous first birthday! And I have the right to grieve all of that! And grieving all of that is part of my healing...and I no matter how long will always miss the baby I held and cuddled and nursed! So for those of you who don't like my blog please do not read it...I don't want to hurt you and my blogs up until this one have not been directed to anyone...just my plain and ugly emotions!  People can handle the happy feely stuff but the ugly parts about life, such as choosing em-bombing fluid for your child or not...or how to pick the perfect bow to go on her in her casket...hush Summer hush!  They actually have written books about what not to say to a grieving parent!  Published books!  So why is it that I am targeted for saying that something bugs me? It's my life, I try to tread lightly and again I am not always graceful!  But to want to start a war on a blog of a dead child is insanity! Quite reading!  Thank you to all of you who just love me  no matter how ugly things seem!  I love you Sophee~Blessings to you and Jesus

It was a tough week!

So all the anxiety leading up to your birthday, I believe lead me to be ill.  The amount of stres my body has been under has taken a physical toll on my body and had one infection after another that I have had a difficult time fighting off! So becasue I was sick I didn't get your ballooons a head of time, I didn't do any of the things I wanted to...so what we did do...we went and took your brothers to eat dinner and the stopped at party city spent $50 on 4 balloons and glow sticks becasue by the time we released them it was 9:00 p.m.! We had the cutest abbcadabby cake pops and ice cream...I yelled at the boys and Jimmy, the boys fought, Jimmy aggravated and after it all was over and my head hit the pilllow I was grateful it was over! Since your birthday fell the day before thanksgiving I didn't get to have the actual birthday party I had hoped to have with family and friends! I was angry that there were no gifts for you!  And that angers me for Christmas too!  I buy things in memory of you for your special days...why can't others...I do have to say that Aunt Jane and family brought us necklaces with your picture on them, I got a few gifts in the mail from wonderful, perfect strangers that I call friends that I met on facebook!  But if you had been here in a high chair their would have been toys galore in front of you or cards with money...well why not still give those gifts?  Why not give the money in the card for us to donate in your name, or make shadow boxes for the walls with your things hanging in them...Things that will keep you alive in our home and bring our family comfort?  The boys love your stuff!  It is so special, it is almost like your things to them are belongings of a princess and are treated with such care!  Or why not let us donate to other organizations in your name?  I don't even want to be a part of Christmas with anyone if it is the same as your birthday was!  You still deserve the best!  We can't buy you clothes and bows and tutus but we can do things that will bring everyone comfort and peace and joy!  When we look around our house we see you every where and it feels good!  The boys love making you memory boxes and putting special things in them.  I love beautiful picture frames, I love unique things that say your name!  Those are the types of things we can buy for you now and that is it!...so why not!  Thanksgiving was not what I expected either...it wasn't bad but there was an emptiness and it sure didn't feel like Daddy's birthday which is so unfair!  I dread this for year after year now...all of it will always fall as it did this year just give or take a few days! Sophee I am praying for our Christmas present we get to have another baby! I know I may have to wait longer but I am praying...doesn't hurt right.  I know that I am still grieving your spirit but I think it is time for mommy to have a new one!  I want to claim healing in my heart and health in my body!  You Sophee are an inspiration...Tadum always calls you "my tiny baby sister"  They love love love you! and I think they too need a renewing of spirit.  The Lord speaks to a downcast soul and that is what I have had!  I was so grateful when you were here, so grateful...so proud, I wanted to share you with the world! And I am trying to rekindle that gratitude...the gratitude that has made me the woman I am right now!  I know the Lord is not done with me...I have been praying for a ministry of my own and that the Lord make it clear where He wants me...now its time to remove myself and let Him in!  God you are good and your mercies endure forever!  I really want to do Christmas different this year but I am not sure if I can handle so many changes at once or is it a good time to change things up a bit and let our family take flight!  To be able to love on the hurting, pray for those in need and show Christ's love!  I want to speak life, not death!  I want to be a servant, not served!  I want God to have the glory forever and ever! I am so very glad the God I serve can handle me breaking down on my knees, shaking my fists at Him and let Him know how very angry I am at Him, then come to my feet and raise my hands to praise Him!  I worship you even in the darkest of dark! Sophee I love you and many blessings~ Jesus I LOVE you and blessings, blessings~we praised you from the beginning of her life, to the end of her life and we still give you praise!

we worship you

Today was your birthday

Well sweet girl, you are officially a 1 year old princess! The day is over and momma is relieved.  I had an awful start to the week.  First the negative pregnancy test, then the infection in my mouth, the cost of the surgery to fix the infection, the financial burden the surgery is causing during the holidays, the fact the infection is getting worse rather then better.  I woke this morning to a call and a trip to the oral surgeon to see why all the sudden my face was swelling. I received an email from a dear woman who has a little boy with Trisomy 18 too...she just wanted to share with me a story of a friend who had lost her daughter in a drowning and that she so desperately wanted another child but it just wasn't happening...well after 2 years she got another daughter and in hind sight she was able to say that the Lord knew she wasn't ready for a new spirit. So the blessing of your birthday today was this email and the realization that I want to be ready for a new spirit so that is what I am going to begin to pray for.  I have been bitter and angry.  And a new spirit does not mean that I will not have bad days and miss you, it does not mean that I won't get mad or miss you but that I can allow a place a in my heart for the Lord to do some healing.  I love you, you will always be mommy's princess!  And I also am not going to put the pressure on myself EVER again to have the perfect party! Your brothers were charged with emotions, as were daddy and I.  All that emotion together made for a miserable experience when all we wanted to do was have fun and enjoy the day together, grateful we are a family including you! So your next birthday I think we will get out picture albums in our jammies and look and talk and eat cake and release our balloons...possibly make a craft for you and just take it easy! I didn't want to make-up today but I made myself thinking it was the right thing to do but now that the day is done...I could have gone without! I am so proud to be your mommy!  We went to diner and the boys all had on their bottle cap necklaces that have your picture on them and Tadum had to tell our waitress that it was our baby in Heaven birthday! and that her name is Sophee!  They are proud of you, proud to talk about you! They think of you all the time! There is no shame in them saying our baby sister is an angel and she made a difference in our life and we still acknowledge her as a part of our family! That Sophee is the beauty of our family! You always will be my daughter, Daddy's princess, and your brothers' pride and joy! I have so much more I want to write but it is really late and tomorrow is Thanksgiivng and Daddy's birthday so I close with a HUGE HAPPY BIRTHDAY and many many blessings~ to you and to Jesus!  P.S. Jesus thank you fro throwing Sophee the most beautiful party ever! I know you are the best Host, the Host of Host!  I love you Lord, I love you Sophee...Dad and Erik I love you too!

Also thank you Lord for the wonderful friends you have placed in my life that took time and used their hard earned money to make sure I had something for Sophee's birthday.  The gifts and the kind words were such a blessing! Thank you for choosing to bless me today with wonderful people and my husband, my kids and my angel who has left an imprint on so many hearts...all for the glory and furthering of your kingdom! Sophee has always been yours, thank you for letting me have her for that amazing 201 days!

you are my sunshine<3

it was a long day...

I sat in church tonight listening to a sermon about coveting/jealousy and I can get with some of that and that sometimes God answers us no becasue of our motives...What was my motive in asking Him to heal Sophee? To prove He could work miracles, what is my motive in wanting another baby? A small piece back of what I lost!  Then the Pastor told us how John and Paul both shared that we could give it all to Him, that we can cast all our anxieties on Him...He can handle that...So I have told God today how much I hate Him, how mad I am and then apologized and started all over again...The good thing is I know He will forgive me, I know I am His but I hurt.  I hurt, I hurt that "friends" get angry at me for standing up for my feelings and that people have moved on with their lives and mine is moving on too and that hurts...That is the part that hurts! That Sophee isn't here with me but her birthday is still going to come, Christmas is still going to help bring in the new year!  It is inevitable! I hurt all together! I have moments of joy, I love my husband and boys but I also love and miss my Sophee...I know that right now I am sitting in the middle of a HUGE unknown but I know my God is the same today as He as yesterday and that I am going to be able to bring more tot he Lord's Kingdom becasue of all I have been through.  Give all your worries and cares to God, for he cares about you. 1 Peter 5:7

this is all I want for next week!

Keeping quite...

I haven't said anything about this to but less then a handful of people becasue I have not wanted to hear the ridiculous comments people have regarding it but I am at a place today where I am so heart broken and desire so much to have another child I am going to share.  I am so angry with God.  Jimmy and I knew before Sophee died that we wanted another baby.  Month after month nothing.  And still month after month nothing...I pray from the puit of my stomach that the Lord bless us with another daughter, one we can watch grow up, one He won't take from us.  I miss Sophee so freaking bad.  I have tried so hard to be joyful in all things including this horrible trial but I am tired of "just keep praying, and have hope and that the Lord knows the desires of your heart" I tell myself this everyday.  There are some affordable medications we stared trying last month and I can use them for a couple more months in hopes that the Lord will work something out but then our next move is back to the REI clinic which is so much money, money we don't have.  And they have these wonderful programs now that you can finance your fertility treatments but you have to have super great perfect credit. And that just isn't something we have.  It was ok until all the bills started piling up with all the circumstances that have occurred in our lives over the past few years.  Some days I wish the Lord would drop a fertility doctor into our lives who had a heart for us and would say "I would love to help you two accomplish your dreams" but that is just wishful thinking.  Then I have heard of people starting a blog about all of this and asking for small donations such as $5 because if everyone of my friends on facebook donated that amount I would so totally have enough money to take to the fertility doctor here and say "Help me heal please!!!" Or something as easy as someone understanding and co-signing but how do you ask for someone for something like that?...you don't!  I cry out to Jesus for these things but it all seems to be bouncing off the ceiling.  I just got done getting dressed so we can head out to church and I had to blog becasue I am not sure I can lift my hands in praise to Him today when all I want to do is drop to my knees.  I want to beg and barter none of which is right. But there is two things right now I want.  One of those things is my Sophee which just plain and simple isn't going to happen or two another baby.  Which seems to be proving pretty hopeless too!  I am just so down right angry...Why can God not hear me....are you there becasue I feel like somewhere shortly before this you quite listening!

this song is called "Father can you Hear me"

a fine line

change my heartI have a draft saved of what I really wanted to write tonight but I feel at a lose for words.  I want to express too many things in one blog and not sure today is the day to say all of.  Sophee I think it is strange the things that upset me lately. So I am actually going to copy and paste the draft from early now...the bible tells us that blood family is not always our family.  That sometimes it is our friends in Him that are our family and I have found that to be true many times.  There is an old saying "blood is thicker then water" but I can not attest to this.  I do not believe this.  I am grateful for the love , the support of so many who are in no way in my family circle.  It is in my mind like this...when I was younger I spent a lot of time with my aunts, uncles and cousins but as the years passed and families were separated and tragedy happened and we began our own families we saw and spoke to each other less and less... now the people who are in my life are people I have met in the past few years and they often no better then my family what is going on in my life.  I have still love and adore my cousins, aunts and uncles and this post is nothing to do with them but rather where do we draw the line when it comes to hurt, abuse and neglect?  The bible also reminds us of how powerful our words are, the power that lies in the tongue.  That we can start a great forest fire with our mouth!  A lot of time things are said that are so hurtful it is hard to ever allow a relationship to be what it was....forgiveness isn't always letting the person come back in and allowing them to treat you however they want but rather setting a boundary and keeping it, then praying blessings over the person who has harmed you.  Sometimes the Lord reconciles those relationships and sometimes He simply heals the brokenness from the hurt.  I can't say I am at a true place of forgiveness...I had a very close family member tell me back in February that Sophee deserved to die, that it was "Karma" and let me tell you Sophee's life had nothing to do with my past mistakes.  She was nothing less then a blessing! I choose to pray blessings over this person every day; and that the Lord would change my heart.  Kind of like a "fake it til you make it" But I am not going to let this person who also is in active addiction walk into my home and abuse me or my family in any way...yet so many are so quick to judge those boundaries.  I am just using all of this as an example to release my frustration with people and their boundaries...how can I go to church make friends but yet if you move churches those people are no longer your friends.  How can people say Sophee changed their life but then in the same breath tell me that I need to heal or that they don't like my hurt.  My hurt is a part of who I am and I know with all my heart that God will work my hurt into something good.  It already has, I can help a momma who lost her baby last week or watching her baby take her last breaths.  I have compassion for and understanding for people I never knew existed.  I have a bond now with my mom that I never had because we are both "mommy to an angel,"  I have so much hurt I want to step outside of myself and help others that are hurting, I appreciate things in life that most people will never even acknowledge as a miracle.  I also write all of this to help let out some of my anger with the people who haven't shown up since Sophee died.  Life went on for them, I am sure they think of her but have you called to tell me you are thinking of her?  it is strange after you loose a child, you need time alone yet you don't want to be alienated and I think so many fall short of showing up at all...I knew that right before and after your funeral I didn't want my house flooded with people because I knew they would all have to return to their lives and I would be left alone.  Well I kind f thought that I would get phone calls every now and then to say how are you, I was thinking of you or something but it rarely happens. But this has also left me a space to reconnect with God.  To begin to pray for a new ministry, where does He want me? I feel like I am all over the place and some of the things I just want to come out and say I shouldn't to avoid creating conflict but then I remembered I created this blog to be real, true to my feelings for you and other things...to be raw and un-cut material!  So I am posting this days after I wrote it and left it saved as a draft on my computer.  Sophee God has brought me through many things addiction, fertility issues, the lose of my father and brother in a tragic accident, horrible abuse, my marriage being nothing close to sacred, your life and your death for a reason...I survived all of this and I can still praise His name! I want to begin working towards a ministry that reaches out to the hurt, the lost, the sick and the broken hearted and let them know that there is hope is the Lord!  I want to serve whole heartedly, I want to further His kingdom.  He is the only one who can work all things together for good...how can good come from loosing my sweet and precious girl?  My heart is on fire for the Lord, to figure out how I can help lost souls meet Jesus and see His face and stand in the light of His glory!  I love you Sophee girl...Blessings~ to you and precious Jesus<3

I haven't ____ in a while...

I haven't been on the blog in a while and I felt like tonight I could clear my mind if I sat here and wrote to you and had the conversation I would have had with you today, of course with no response just those big brown eyes looking up at me intently, watching every move my mouth made.  I muddled through Halloween.  It was fun, it is always exciting to see the boys so excited over small things like tootsie rolls and costumes, it is a blessing!  I enjoy watching the boys get to be kids, to experience life in the moment rather then like I do...always in the past, or panicking about the future.  I lived my life before I knew I was pregnant with you wishing for a girl, for a baby and my every thought was centered on and around this thought..."I WANT A GIRL GOD."  My prayers were for a girl that the boys could learn to be gentle with, to protect, to love and for Daddy to have a princess...that all of them would have a girl to learn compassion, gentleness, tenderness, protection...well let me say that all that praying got me exactly what I asked for.  You were a fragile, little, tiny baby girl that needed to be protected and fought for.  That needed to be treated with the utmost carefulness.  I felt as is God sent me a package that was clearly marked on the outside "CAREFUL CONTENTS ARE FRAGILE!!"  Then I found out I was pregnant with you and I spent the next several months preparing and panicking for what was to come when you were born.  Would you actually have this horrible genetic abnormality, would I love you, would you be healed, would you live????  All these questions lead me to be a wreck, an angry panicked, anxiety ridden mess...Then you came and I have to say I lived a lot of your short life in fear but after you came home from the newborn intensive care unit, I had a hope and a faith that I hadn't had before. A peace that was unexplainable, a trust that everything was going to be ok...Now I lived believing for healing until that Sunday morning when you woke me to inform me that you were heading home.  Now I have spent the past five months almost somewhere between the past and the future....what could have I done differently, did I make the right choices, how much I wish I could turn back time to the polar opposite of wondering will Daddy and I ever have another baby?  Will the Lord bless us with another girl?  Am I broken?  Will having another baby be helpful in the healing or cause more hurt? I stepped out of the bath tub tonight and glanced at a votive that has been sitting on the bath room sink for months now and it reads "Faith makes things possible"...Oh yeah!  How did I forget AGAIN, that God is in control!  He knows the inner most desires of my heart...my God is not a punishing God and how in the world can I pray for all things for others believing in my prayer, that the Lord is hearing us call on Him on these friends behalf but some how doesn't care about me and what I desire.  He provides my every need, He satisfies my soul...when I turn it over and allow Him to be in control and trust that the Lord makes no mistakes and loves His children dearly.   Living in the past and fearing the future has lead me to be bitter and I know what God has to say about bitterness and the warnings He heeds to those with a bitter heart, and here I find myself, not bitter with people, but biter with the cards I have been dealt.  And to stand in a place of surrender and how frightening that is but also the freedom in that!  Knowing that my God is bigger then all of this and He asks me...get that He asks me to share His yolk, that He will carry my burdens and lighten my load.  Now serving a God who is willing to serve is a blessing and I PRAISE HIM FOR THAT!  I think sometimes it is just a small visual reminder that we need.  And tonight all I needed was to remember that God is in control.  I don't have to worry about any of the things from the past, especially when it comes to you becasue I know God lead me in every decision I made for you.  And that I was never really in control in the first place.  He opened doors and hearts when they needed opening...even on Thanksgiving day; 3 days after you were born; when your lungs began to collapse and the doctors told me they wouldn't treat you...and that when they did you probably wouldn't live the intubation process and you did! He lead us to a lovely group of doctors and nurses who were willing to get vulnerable and and let you teach them, He lead us to a heart surgeon who had a special needs child of his own and without hesitation agreed to fix your heart! Sophee God was there, He was present and I let Him be...so why now in a time of despair do I shove and push?  Why not let Him be that same God who comforted and protected us...He hasn't changed, I have, but He hasn't!  

Matthew 6:25-34

New International Version (NIV)

Do Not Worry

    ²⁵ “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? ²⁶ Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? ²⁷ Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life^[a]?

   ²⁸ “And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. ²⁹ Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. ³⁰ If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? ³¹ So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ ³² For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. ³³ But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. ³⁴ Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.



God is in Control