it's gone by so fast

This was the 4th day of your life

I can't believe that today has been 16 weeks since the last time I held your warm body

4 months in heaven

Sophee, It has been 16 weeks since the last time I help your warm body.  I can still remember the smell, and feel the wrinkles on your skin..you were so skinny after all. I just adore those memories.  You snuggled in mommy's chest, so natural.  I was so difficult to hold you while you were intubated. I was so fearful of the tube becoming dialoged becasue when I put you against my chest you trying digging yourself deeper and deeper.  I am not sure where the time has gone.  I can recall the details of the day you died like it just happened but then it feels like forever since I was able to touch you! I spent 6 1/2 months doing nothing but caring for you and holding you.  We spent so much time in the rocking chair it was almost as if you knew when we were not in it.  I tried putting you in the bed with me several times but that wasn't what you wanted. And boy did you have an opinion. You knew up until that least breath who you wanted and how you wanted it! I miss you...You are a picture of God's perfection and a story of His grace...I can't believe this amount of time has come and gone.

Butterfly Footprints: Sophee Olivia

This is something special another angel mommy made me out of Sophee's footprints...enjoy Butterfly Footprints: Sophee Olivia

I'm Sick

So I had thought for almost a week I was just experiencing allergies but I woke this morning and I am actually sick.  Sick to the point nothing taste good, my throat is killing me.  It is almost as if I chose to slow life down a smidge, not force myself to every single &:00 a.m. baseball game, not volunteer for every classroom duty, not offer to purchase every classroom need, not extend my help when I really didn't have it in me to help, not stretch my self to R.S.V.P. to every birthday invitation that comes home in backpack mail.  I know that these things are important to do and life not stop completely but when you offer to do all of this plus some you find yourself winded and out of breath.  I also think there is another side to this, so I chose to slow down plus my life (not by choice) slow down. And now life has hit me like a box of rocks and I am sick.  The past year I was so busy caring for someone else I didn't have  a choice to get sick so I was very careful about being around others, going into public, and my children had a sanitary routine when they came home from school...they came in stripped their clothes and went straight to the bath tub before they could enter the front part of the house to ensure we were doing a good disease control.  Plus hand sanitizer every time you touched, well anything! I made sure everyone had the multi-vitamins and over cautious about my child entering my room. And outsiders coming into my home...well all the sudden it's cold weather and I go to the grocery store (something I did not do when Sophee was here unless I had outerwear on and a mask.) And i showered the moment I got done putting the groceries away, wiped down all the groceries with clorox wipes.  If you could have thought it, I did it, to keep that baby healthy. And it kept us healthy.  But now I don't wipe my groceries down, I do wash my hands first thing when I come in from public, but my kids don't change anymore and it seems that all this is going to have to go a few rounds with my immune system before I feel better and have some tolerance.  You know I miss this, I knew I was doing something that was safe for Sophee and my boys! I guess that's where I am trying to go with this today...everything changed.  The more I think about it, the more I realize since Sophee died nothing has stayed the same.   I am not sure things will ever be the way they were before I had her or before I lost her. See there is several very distinct time periods of life here...Sophee's pregnancy was one, Sophee's birth and time here another, then Sophee's last hospitalization another, and still another since Sophee's death.  I don't want to stay exactly as I am, I never have.  I have the desire for the Lord to mold me and shape me but sometimes I wish that meant not such harsh realities or life lessons.  Anyhow, the best for today is what it is.  I have baseball games to go to, a house to straighten up, and not feeling good (my goal will be not to hurt my family with my mouth today)  I hate being sick, I am sure everyone does!  But I really hate being sick this time because it is just one more piece proving to me how much I miss having Sophee to take care of.

So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison,  as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal.  2 Corinthians 4:16-18  

It's cold outside....

The weather has changed quickly...we went to a wedding last weekend and it was beautiful out. The weather was just right, not too hot...not too cold. I found myself as the bride danced with her father, her brother, and the groom danced with his mother thinking back and forward.  I thought back to my wedding day and that I didn't have my brother to stand up for me in the wedding party, and that my dad wasn't there to walk me down the isle and the pain that brought that day and this particular Saturday. I was also reminded of the pain my mother must have felt that day, having to act as two people, as my mother and playing  the role a father is supposed to play in a daughter's life and give her away to her groom. I also thought of the pain she must have felt that day knowing she would never see my brother (Erik) get married or have children. The legacy lost in a heart beat.  Then I was brought forward to me and your daddy's life at that very moment....we would never see you married, never see your beautiful smile in the beautiful white dress! Nor would we see your first tooth, your first steps, your first day of school....all of this leading up to today. The weather is changing you can feel the fall in the air and I am reminded of the great amount of anxiety I felt leading up to your birth.  What would happen, would you cry, would we get a moments time with you...then you were here and all the exciting things I prepared for your life. The first Halloween costume...oh how I couldn't wait to dress you up as a little lady bug! And the cold outside reminds me of Thanksgiving and Christmas approaching soon.  But its going to be your birthday before you know it! Your first birthday! Oh how exciting...when you were home from the hospital mommy had to stay in the room with you so I watched a lot of t.v. Things like cupcake wars and on a particular episode I had seen the perfect birthday cake! How big a celebration it was to be, what a miracle you were and what joy I felt planning these things! I would like to write here that I still have that same excitement about planning your first birthday, becasue why wouldn't we still celebrate you but it doesn't seem to be feeling that way! Anyhow, that can be figured out as we get closer...
   I have a bit of an after thought here...I was thrown off by the comment someone (not a close friend) had sent to me privately through facebook a week or so ago and in that message she stated how I had gone into my own little world and that she hoped I had began my healing process soon...well all of this is a part of my healing process...including the pain.  It is not like I have had years to process this but even more I am about to embark all your first! Your first birthday that will also be your first birthday in heaven, your first Halloween, your first thanksgiving, daddy's birthday and I am afraid. I know my feelings will not kill me but sometimes it sure does feel like it! So with all this being said, I began to try and change my feelings and it has left me a bit depressed.  I can not change how I feel; I can however still find joy in the Lord! and I can say this was not her place to say to me becasue I will never heal completely I will always have a scared heart from your life and death! You will always be my baby, my girl! You are a delight to think of but if I think about it too much my heart sobs....It is an unexplainable thing that your heart can cry but it does...there is a medical condition called broken heart syndrome.  Which is exactly as it sounds, someone has suffered a trauma so great they begin to have symptoms of a heart attack.  I really love you Sophee and I miss you so very much!

"2 Timothy 1:7
For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline

Thinking of you tonight..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z9JTwJ_1lzE

Today

I also wanted to write this sweet but bitter moment down...today I was sitting on the back porch having a cigerette in the cool fall air when Mathieu (my youngest son) approaches me with a dandelion. He told me to blow. Now I am sure many of you remeber from your childhood if you blew a dandelion then you got a wish...today I didn;t get to pick my wish I was told what my wish was supposed to be..."Mommy Blow, and wish you were a princess" So after the first failed attempt at blowing all the seed pods from the dandelion, I made sure to force them along with another breath following "Mommy did you wish you were a Princess?" I responded as any good mother would..."well yes I wished I was a princess," brushing back my hair as a gesture of royalty.  Mathieu then looks at me, you could see the sadness and thought in his eyes..."Mommy I wished Sophee could be a princess, I wish she could be a princess for Halloween"says Mathieu. My response was quick, so that I didn't break down into a tantrum before I could answer him, not that he had asked a question..."I do to baby, I do to."  He sat crouched on the pedal car in front of me, lookign at me very intently and matter of fact and started to cry..."I wanted Sophee to be a princess for Halooween but she went with God, that makes me sad mommy, she could have gotten lots of candy!" Mathieu spoke all of this with tears in his eyes and it took every ounce of self control I had not to break down too! I pondered for a moment...well yes this was sad, and yes I wanted her to be a princess too..."Maty, guess what?" "What Mom?" I looked at him a little soft and said" You know Maty I bet Jesus gives Sophee the best chocolate in the whole world..."  Maty turned on his pedal car, wiped his nose on his sleeve and was content with that...There were several things I realized at that moment. 1~Sophee was not just going to be missed by me at holidays 2~ my children are grieving. I know this statement may be a "like duh" statement but I really hadn't let that sink in becasue that means more then just my children are grieving, that also menas my boys hurt and a mother hurts for her child that hurts, that my boys needed their sister and there was nothing I could do but pray and offer them love. and 3~ they had hopes and dreams for Sophee too, that died when she did! I hadn't realized they had the same dreams played out in their heads...Mathieu had clearly imagined exactly what costume he thought was a perfect fit for her,,,just as I did her bows, her clothes, her first words...and that Sophee's brothers, my boys had their dreams and hopes crushed when Sophee passed. That was a blow to a mommy who wants nothing more then to protect her children from all harm whether physical, mental or spiritual! I miss her and so does Mathieu, Tadum and Anthony! She is their sister and they still treat her memory with loving tenderness just as they did her!

Butterfly Footprints: Sophee Olivia

Butterfly Footprints: Sophee Olivia